For the last two weeks, Dad has been receiving emotionally charged and somewhat rude messages from his co-parent. While they are not overtly attacking, they are full of demands and attitude.
Is she trying to provoke a fight? Why does she send messages that are undermining and demanding, knowing there is no way they will be received positively or with a willingness to meet her requests?
Once again, it has proven best not to respond immediately.
We took time to think and discuss what her problem might be now.
One thing was obvious: it’s Mother’s Day weekend next. One of her most passionate demands from the beginning has been that Dad’s partner should not be seen or treated in any context as a “mum”, “bonus mum”, “step-mum”, or any other similar title or parenting-related role. For the past five years, Dad’s partner has respected this and has never been involved in any “child and parent” related events, nor has she been referred to by any of those titles. By now, Mum should have come to terms with this, but it seems she never will. This makes it a very emotionally difficult time for her.
One useful tool for dealing with poorly worded emails or messages is to rewrite them.
How to do this:
Take the message out of its context. Use only the requests and facts (dates, times, names) and rewrite her email in the way you would like her to write to you. Include as many compliments to yourself as a co-parent as you can imagine. Use “please” and “thank you” liberally. Add an explanation that you could accept (it doesn’t have to be the real reason she is asking; you can create your own).
Print that version of the email for yourself and set aside the original. Read the new version to yourself or ask your partner to read it to you. Leave it somewhere you can easily find it again. Depending on your ability to control yourself and how impulsive you are, as well as the time sensitivity of the request, leave the email be for a while.
The rule is that only emergency situations should be communicated with a request for a reply within less than 24 hours. If you receive an email or message about a non-emergency matter (even if your co-parent claims it is an emergency but you can see it is not), you should reply with a single line: "Got your email (message). I will reply by (state a reasonable and realistic time when they will get your answer) and cannot discuss this matter before then." If your co-parent continues to bombard you with messages after this, simply ignore them (delete them if they are messages).
Now let's revisit the letter you wrote instead of the original one.
Do not touch it for at least the next two hours, preferably four to six hours. During this time, consider the possible ways you can be flexible and help out your children, whose other parent is in a sticky situation and needs you to step in and assist them.
Replace your own thoughts of “They are just trying to cause problems, they are irresponsible, they are trying to get the easier option out” with: “Can I help out my children whose other parent is in a sticky situation and needs me to step in and assist them?”
You need to understand that they may act as if “you don't matter, you are not important” because, let’s face it, you are not important to them. Since you are not important to them, you need to learn not to make them important to you. It doesn’t matter why they are asking what they are asking. It’s equally unimportant if it is done to upset you or because they genuinely need those things.
Here’s a secret: 9 out of 10 times, when we are certain that those annoying things are done to upset us (like the messages Dad is receiving lately from his co-parent), they are upsetting not because the other parent is trying to upset you, but because the other parent doesn’t care how you would feel. Your upset comes from the feeling: “How dare they not care about ME! How dare they think I am not important to them?!”
Well… you are not a couple. You are not partners. The only link connecting you is the child or children. The other parent is asking for something they believe is best for the children. Yes, you might disagree and think: “My idea is best for the children!” but again, you are not saying this to upset the other parent, you BELIEVE it is best for your children.
Now you are ready to respond.
Read once again the email (message) you wrote under the other parent's name—the nice and friendly one. Respond to that request as if it were the original one.
Do your best to help out your children, who would suffer if their other parent is upset, angry, unsettled, or in difficulty. Our children can feel safe and secure if both their parents are emotionally stable.
You could find loads of help from AI chat technology. Read more from here : https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2024/07/how-modern-technology-can-help.html?m=1
Communication Examples 1 - Coordinating Plans