Am I cut out to be a stepmum?

How to decide, if am I cut out to be a step-mum after all?

First, you have to be self-aware. 

Who are you!? What kind of life you want for yourself. What is the perfect life for you in these circumstances? Not what would benefit your partner or what would be best for your future step-children. 

You have to know what you want. If you don't have what you want you are empty. And you have nothing to give if you are empty. That is why the most unselfish motivation is usually driving us into failure. You can not help others if your glass is empty. 

Are you a religious person who goes to church and believes that God has his plan for all of us?

Your guidebook to read before you make the decision is: "The smart stepfamily" 

Hands down -this book is one of the three best step-family books written at all times. 

I would make it compulsory for every person who is thinking of having a relationship after separating from their children's bio-parent.

The problem is that this book is heavy with long quotes from the Bible. Not everyone can tolerate that type of writing. 

If you are an atheist but willing to just turn pages and read when the practical advice starts-you can not ask for a better guide for your journey

The same author has published books: "The Smart Stepmum" and "The Smart Stepdad" both I can highly recommend. And several others, that I have not had time to read, so I will not name them here yet.

Are you a strong individual, someone whose goal was not to fall in love with a divorced man with children? You know your worth, and you love your man but you have no idea what a stepfamily life might be like? You refuse to follow blindly some kind of expectations or rules only “Because everyone on Facebook is saying so!”

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:  "Stepmonster" 

This is a very unique book because it is a product of researcher W. Martin. This book is full of scientific facts and links and is suitable for a person who needs facts and supporting academic resources to accept theories and advice.

It's also the best book to overcome step-parents' cognitive dissonance.  The feeling that “I know that if I want to be a good stepmum then I must be... must do... must believe... must value... must want, but deep down, it feels wrong somehow”.

Are you a financially independent active woman with a good job and a fulfilling social life? You love your life, your man, and your community and you are known as someone who is always there for your friends and your neighbourhood? You are adamant that you will be the best new mother (second mother) to his children and no one can say you are not as important to those children as the bio mother would be.

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:

"The Single Girl’s Guide to…" 

This book is full of encouragement to carry on doing what you believe is the best thing to do to become, as the author calls it:  “the sassy stepmom”.

It's humorous, it's funny, it has some interesting interviews and absolutely surely is supportive and emotionally uplifting like your step-mum’s best friend would be.

My only reservation is, that this book is just one person's experience, do not take it as a guidebook for yourself.

Are you a woman who has been in the school of hard knocks? You have been through good times but also bad times. For the hurt and mistreated by people you thought you could trust and rely on? 

Maybe had a tricky childhood or youth? Maybe you have a difficult relationship with your own parents/stepparents? 

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:

"From dating to getting serious to forming a blended family" 

If you want a clear rulebook, simple solid explanations of what to expect and how to prepare yourself for the best possible outcome, then you can not find a better book than this. 

The same authors have been publishing another book I can not praise highly enough.

“The co-parenting Handbook: Raising well adjusted and resilient kids from little ones to young adults through divorce and separation”

The co-parenting book is written for parents, not so much for potential stepparents. However, they do have a special chapter at the end of the book for new partners.

Over the past 5 years, I have read 12 co-parenting and blended family-related books. Top of that number I have been "skimming through" another 10+ where reading them fully was just wasting time.

All those books will not find naming here as reading those might lead to seriously dangerous grounds:

Those books will make you feel unhappy with your life (does not matter what life you currently have)

All those books are not guidebooks. They are so-called "rule books" and they all have the same message: there is only one way to be a good co-parent. Here is the list. And the list describes an extended group of people who all dearly love each other. Ex-partners are best friends who devoted their lives to supporting each other future endeavours. New partners are loved and respected. At the same time, new partners are not willing to be consulted, considered or involved with any parenting decisions. They are like the house-elves in Harry Potter books. And foremost- no one ever has disagreements and no one ever has any unsolved bitterness towards the other co-parent.  It is just not an option at all.  You also learn from those books that if your co-parenting situation is not exactly how the authors listed here, you are a bad co-parent and should feel ashamed of yourself.  You can read more about the danger of reading judgemental books - here.

Am I cut out to be a stepmum? What to expect?

This blog can also give one of the possible scenarios to think about.