Sometimes we can not deal with the feeling of losing our relationship, so we choose to think about our separation as "The other parent abandoned their child (children)."
We are shifting focuses. To be able to deal with the pain, we are choosing to think about our pain as: it's hurtful not because WE are dumped but because our child doesn't have "the real family anymore". We are choosing to use words: "They abandoned their children", "How could they leave our children", and "How can they not love their children anymore". Because it's easier than to admit: "They left ME, they don't love ME anymore, they don't want to be with ME anymore".
The parent who is left behind with children might also feel like if the other parent would "be the parent" they would carry on sharing parenting duties and the connection and togetherness would still be there. They are not "left behind and forgotten" but considered as a coparenting partner and still maintaining a very important role in the other parent's life.
It's also called "projecting". We are hurt beyond belief and we think: "Because I am hurting it must be very hurtful to my child too!"
Unfortunately, parents forget that children are learning from us how they should feel about things or their life events.
They are looking up to us guessing what any new situation would mean. Is going into the sea a dangerous or fun thing to do? Is climbing on the ropes dangerous or fun? How to feel about dogs, cats, and rats?
They are feeling the way our reactions are towards people, animals, and situations. Even food choices.
And they are looking at the parent who is present to get a hint of how to feel about the other parent not being around (or leaving their home if there is a relationship breakdown).
Conclusion: If we feel sorry for our child (and ourselves in the background/hidden form) or allow people around us to express pity, then our child will learn to feel sorry for themselves and their situation.
If we are capable of accepting the separation and will be able to carry on loving our child, not falling into self-pity (even not hidden behind the "feeling sorry for my child" label) then our child will be able to live, thrive and be happy and confident about themselves. They will not have any emotional damage from the fact one of the parents is not around for them.
If we are inserting hurt, sadness or shame in our children's heads - they learn to feel sorry for themselves and they can not have a happy life no matter what you are able to provide, or however amazing a stepdad your new partner may become.
Read more about how hating their other parent will change children's personality
When arrival of a new girlfriend is ruining your amicable co-parenting.
Or you can get the full list of articles here:
https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/
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