Should I have ex-partner’s approval for my new relationship?

When a man faces pressure from relatives and friends to seek his ex-partner’s approval for his new relationship, it can feel like his personal autonomy is being undermined. This guide is intended to help him assert himself with confidence, while remaining respectful and clear.

1. Acknowledge your autonomy

Take ownership of your choices: Remind yourself that you have every right to make decisions about your personal life without needing approval from others.

Prioritise your future happiness: Focus on what genuinely brings you joy, not on meeting others' expectations. Even your own parents may be more attached to the idea of preserving a familiar family dynamic than embracing a new path — one that, while unfamiliar and emotionally challenging, could lead to a more fulfilling future for everyone involved.

2. Establish clear boundaries

Be firm but respectful: Communicate firmly that your ex does not have a say in your new relationship. 

Limit intrusive conversations: If relatives or friends persist, politely change the subject or explain that the topic is not open for discussion.

Example statements:

1. “I don’t need [ex’s name] to approve my relationship. Our co-parenting relationship is about the kids, not my personal life.”

2. “I respect [ex’s name] as the mother of my child, but my relationships are my decision. I hope you can understand that.”

3. “I appreciate your input, but this is my decision to make, and I need you to trust me on this.”

4. “I’m capable of balancing co-parenting and my relationship. I’m focused on what’s best for everyone, especially the kids.”

3. Educate your circle

Explain the co-parenting role: Help them understand that co-parenting is about the child’s well-being, not the ex’s approval of your personal life.

“Co-parenting doesn’t mean my ex has authority over my relationships. It means we work together for our child, but my personal life is separate.”

Challenge assumptions: Point out that the idea of needing an ex’s approval is outdated and not rooted in fairness or logic.

We all have people in our lives who believe they know best and are quick to impose their views on us. When that person is a close friend or relative, it’s not always easy to ignore them or distance yourself.

• Stay calm: Respond to criticism without becoming defensive or angry. Reaffirm your position calmly and clearly.
• Set boundaries: If someone repeatedly crosses the line, you may need to limit interactions with those who refuse to respect your choices.
• Seek support: Surround yourself with friends or family members who understand and support your decisions.

Consider professional help: If the pressure becomes overwhelming, a counsellor or mediator can help you manage complex family dynamics and maintain your well-being.

Below are some examples of how to keep these conversations brief and, ideally, bring them to a respectful close. These sample dialogues show how a father might respond to persistent comments from friends or relatives:

1. "You should talk to your children's mother before introducing your new partner to your child. She needs to approve of who’s around her kids."

Reply:

"I understand what you're saying, but my personal relationships are my responsibility. My focus is on ensuring my child is happy and well cared for, and I don’t need [ex’s name] to approve my decisions. As a parent, I am allowed to make this decision for me and my children without approval from others."

2. "Don’t you think it’s disrespectful to your children's mother if you don’t get her input on your new relationship?"

Reply:

"Respect between co-parents is important, and I’m maintaining that by focusing on what’s best for our child. My personal relationships, however, are not something she has a say in."

3. "Your children's mother has been in your life for so long; it’s only fair to make sure she’s okay with who you’re dating now."

Reply:

"I value the history I share with [ex’s name] as the mother of my child, but my current and future relationships are mine to decide. I’m confident in my ability to navigate this respectfully."

4. "If you don’t include your children's mother in this, it’s going to cause problems. Just talk to her for peace of mind."

Reply:

"I hear you, but including her in decisions about my personal life isn’t necessary for peace. My goal is to co-parent effectively, not to blend my personal life with hers."

5. "You should really make sure  your children's mother approves of your new girlfriend. It’s the right thing to do."

Reply:

"I appreciate your advice, but my relationship decisions are mine alone. The right thing to do is focus on co-parenting and ensure my child feels secure, which I’m already doing."

It’s worth recognising that those who try to exert influence in this way often choose to refer to “your children's mother” deliberately. It’s a subtle yet effective manipulation tactic — by invoking a socially acceptable label, they present themselves as concerned about the child’s welfare, while actually reinforcing the belief that the mother should retain authority over the father's personal life even after separation. Even if this belief is sincerely held, that doesn’t make it right, nor does it oblige you to comply.

Involve the new partner appropriately

Protect the new partner: Shield your new partner from unnecessary drama by keeping her out of these discussions until you have set clear boundaries with others.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is to share their experience with their new partner.

It might come from the best intentions: To show how much the new partner means to you and how much you are ready to fight for your relationship.

However, it has a list of very negative impacts to your partner and creates obstacles for your future relationships.

Feeling materialised or treated like an object

When a new partner is expected to be "approved" by the ex — particularly if this is presented as a requirement by the boyfriend’s family — it can reduce her role in the relationship to something transactional or conditional. Rather than being seen as a whole person with her own feelings, values, and identity, she may feel as though she is:

• Being evaluated as a product, not embraced as a person — measured against someone else’s preferences, standards, or comfort level.

• Expected to ‘fit in’ to a role already defined by others, rather than being welcomed as an individual shaping a new, authentic relationship.

• Discardable, if she doesn’t meet the ex’s unspoken or overt criteria, regardless of how strong her actual bond is with her partner.
  
  

This is a deeply dehumanising experience. It suggests that her worth in the relationship is not based on love, mutual respect, or connection with her partner, but on external validation — especially from someone whose role should now be limited to co-parenting, not gatekeeping future relationships.

It can feel like her identity is being flattened into a checklist, subject to someone else’s approval as if she were applying for a job — not entering a loving partnership.

The emotional impact of this can include:

• Shame or embarrassment, for being "put on trial" in someone else’s narrative.

• Alienation, especially if her partner doesn’t push back on this treatment.

• Distrust, because the relationship is being filtered through someone else’s lens, not lived between the two people actually in it.

• Resentment, for being treated like an outsider in what should be a private, intimate connection.

Doubts about the relationship’s future

Learning that her new partners' family or friends see his ex as someone who has the right to “approve or disapprove” their relationship might cause her to doubt whether the relationship has space to grow independently. She may question whether he is ready to move forward and create a new chapter, or whether he’s still bound by expectations from the past. She may feel that her worth as a partner is being questioned or subordinated to someone from her partner’s past. The implication that another woman — particularly an ex — holds power over her current relationship can be deeply invalidating. Even if she is confident in her relationship, the idea that her presence must be "cleared" by a former partner may stir feelings of jealousy or insecurity. It can raise questions about whether emotional boundaries between the ex and her boyfriend are truly in place.

This can be particularly painful when it’s reinforced by the boyfriend’s own family — people she may be hoping to build a respectful connection with. Learning that her place in her partner’s life is contingent on someone else’s approval can create a sense of emotional instability. Instead of feeling safe and secure in the relationship, she may feel she’s walking on eggshells, vulnerable to external opinions and interference.

Summary:

At its core, this dynamic can make a new partner feel secondary, untrusted, and emotionally excluded — as though her relationship is being controlled by someone who should not have a rightful say. Without clear support and boundaries from her partner, these feelings can erode trust and connection in the relationship.

When Fear Hijacks Logic: A Lesson in Pausing Before Reacting

The other day, my partner received a message from his son’s mother. The tone was urgent, almost alarming: their son, she wrote, was facing a “serious health risk” and immediate action was required to protect him. The supposed “health risk”? Their son had been choosing sandwiches over hot school meals more often than not. 

In the same message, Mum demanded that Dad must contact her straightaway to discuss food supplements. She insisted they should begin coordinated meal planning, hold meetings, and take the matter very seriously.

As any parent would, my partner’s heart skipped a beat. His protective instincts fired instantly. He grabbed the phone and they had a long, anxious conversation about the danger and how to “save” their son. He was ready to act—both in school and in his ex-partner’s home—determined to fight and fix things.

But after some time to cool down, and after talking things through more calmly, he began to see the situation in a very different light.

Yes, their son sometimes chooses a sandwich instead of a hot meal—but not always.

He spends half his time with us, where he always has a freshly cooked hot dinner after school, along with a varied, healthy, and balanced diet. That much my partner can guarantee.

He cannot, of course, control what is cooked in his son’s mother’s home. Nor can he dictate whether she ensures hot meals are provided there—that is her responsibility. And she is already giving him a cocktail of food supplements every day she is parenting.

So even if their son does eat a sandwich every other school day, with healthy breakfasts and proper dinners at ours the rest of the time, it simply isn’t a problem. There is no health risk here at all.

In fact, statistics show that more than half of UK primary school children bring a packed lunch every day—and a packed lunch almost always means a sandwich, not a hot meal.

Once we set aside the drama, we could finally focus on the real reason why Mum was catastrophising a harmless situation. Unsurprisingly, it had nothing to do with nutrition at all.

When Fear Switches Off the Thinking Brain

This kind of situation is more common than many would admit. Separated parents often communicate through a lens of heightened sensitivity, stress, and sometimes mistrust. What one parent describes as a crisis may be seen by the others as nothing more than a normal part of growing up.

Sometimes, this can be a deliberate tactic—used by narcissistic individuals as a way to pull the other parent back in (“hoovering”). At other times, it is less malicious and more about anxiety or codependency: an emotionally dysfunctional way to reduce the feeling of separation.

Either way, it works. The moment someone says “our child is in danger,” a loving parent will rush in to protect them.

Here’s the fascinating—and crucial—part: when we receive a message that our child is at risk, our brains are wired to flip straight into protection mode.

Neurologically, this happens because the amygdala—the brain’s built-in alarm system—is triggered by the suggestion of threat or harm. Once activated, it floods the body with stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. In the process, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, weighing evidence, and making rational decisions—essentially shuts down.

In simple terms: fear hijacks logic. The message “your child is in danger” leaves little room for calm analysis. It triggers a primal instinct to save and protect.

Sandwiches Aren’t a Health Risk

When my partner allowed his analytical brain to re-engage, the facts became clear:

His son sometimes prefers sandwiches to hot meals.

It’s roughly a 50/50 split across school days.

There is no medical issue, no nutritional deficiency, and no imminent danger.

In other words: it’s a normal childhood food preference—not a crisis.

Two Possible Outcomes

Here’s how the situation could play out depending on how Dad responds:

1. If Dad reacts from fear

He confronts the child, pressures him to change his eating habits, and risks escalating conflict with his son’s mother. The boy senses the tension and may end up feeling anxious or guilty simply for choosing the food he prefers. Stress increases for everyone—and nothing is genuinely resolved. Meanwhile, Mum gains a great deal of Dad’s time and attention, pulling him away from his current family life and daily routines.

2. If Dad pauses, breathes, and thinks

He recognises the amygdala hijack for what it is, gives his prefrontal cortex time to come back online, and calmly assesses the situation. With a clear head, he sees it for what it truly is: sandwiches half the time. Not a health risk, not a crisis—just a preference. He can then keep communication with Mum calm and constructive, sparing their son unnecessary worry.

The Takeaway

When we’re co-parenting—especially within the emotional complexities of separation—it’s easy for innocent situations to be reframed as threats. And once that “your child is in danger” button is pressed, protective instincts can easily override reason.

The key is not to stop caring, but to pause long enough to let the thinking brain catch up. A single deep breath can make the difference between spiralling into fear and calmly recognising: sometimes a sandwich really is just a sandwich.