The other day, my partner received a message from his son’s mother. The tone was urgent, almost alarming: their son, she wrote, was facing a “serious health risk” and immediate action was required to protect him. The supposed “health risk”? Their son had been choosing sandwiches over hot school meals more often than not.
In the same message, Mum demanded that Dad must contact her straightaway to discuss food supplements. She insisted they should begin coordinated meal planning, hold meetings, and take the matter very seriously.
As any parent would, my partner’s heart skipped a beat. His protective instincts fired instantly. He grabbed the phone and they had a long, anxious conversation about the danger and how to “save” their son. He was ready to act—both in school and in his ex-partner’s home—determined to fight and fix things.
But after some time to cool down, and after talking things through more calmly, he began to see the situation in a very different light.
Yes, their son sometimes chooses a sandwich instead of a hot meal—but not always.
He spends half his time with us, where he always has a freshly cooked hot dinner after school, along with a varied, healthy, and balanced diet. That much my partner can guarantee.
He cannot, of course, control what is cooked in his son’s mother’s home. Nor can he dictate whether she ensures hot meals are provided there—that is her responsibility. And she is already giving him a cocktail of food supplements every day she is parenting.
So even if their son does eat a sandwich every other school day, with healthy breakfasts and proper dinners at ours the rest of the time, it simply isn’t a problem. There is no health risk here at all.
In fact, statistics show that more than half of UK primary school children bring a packed lunch every day—and a packed lunch almost always means a sandwich, not a hot meal.
Once we set aside the drama, we could finally focus on the real reason why Mum was catastrophising a harmless situation. Unsurprisingly, it had nothing to do with nutrition at all.
When Fear Switches Off the Thinking Brain
This kind of situation is more common than many would admit. Separated parents often communicate through a lens of heightened sensitivity, stress, and sometimes mistrust. What one parent describes as a crisis may be seen by the others as nothing more than a normal part of growing up.
Sometimes, this can be a deliberate tactic—used by narcissistic individuals as a way to pull the other parent back in (“hoovering”). At other times, it is less malicious and more about anxiety or codependency: an emotionally dysfunctional way to reduce the feeling of separation.
Either way, it works. The moment someone says “our child is in danger,” a loving parent will rush in to protect them.
Here’s the fascinating—and crucial—part: when we receive a message that our child is at risk, our brains are wired to flip straight into protection mode.
Neurologically, this happens because the amygdala—the brain’s built-in alarm system—is triggered by the suggestion of threat or harm. Once activated, it floods the body with stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. In the process, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, weighing evidence, and making rational decisions—essentially shuts down.
In simple terms: fear hijacks logic. The message “your child is in danger” leaves little room for calm analysis. It triggers a primal instinct to save and protect.
Sandwiches Aren’t a Health Risk
When my partner allowed his analytical brain to re-engage, the facts became clear:
His son sometimes prefers sandwiches to hot meals.
It’s roughly a 50/50 split across school days.
There is no medical issue, no nutritional deficiency, and no imminent danger.
In other words: it’s a normal childhood food preference—not a crisis.
Two Possible Outcomes
Here’s how the situation could play out depending on how Dad responds:
1. If Dad reacts from fear
He confronts the child, pressures him to change his eating habits, and risks escalating conflict with his son’s mother. The boy senses the tension and may end up feeling anxious or guilty simply for choosing the food he prefers. Stress increases for everyone—and nothing is genuinely resolved. Meanwhile, Mum gains a great deal of Dad’s time and attention, pulling him away from his current family life and daily routines.
2. If Dad pauses, breathes, and thinks
He recognises the amygdala hijack for what it is, gives his prefrontal cortex time to come back online, and calmly assesses the situation. With a clear head, he sees it for what it truly is: sandwiches half the time. Not a health risk, not a crisis—just a preference. He can then keep communication with Mum calm and constructive, sparing their son unnecessary worry.
The Takeaway
When we’re co-parenting—especially within the emotional complexities of separation—it’s easy for innocent situations to be reframed as threats. And once that “your child is in danger” button is pressed, protective instincts can easily override reason.
The key is not to stop caring, but to pause long enough to let the thinking brain catch up. A single deep breath can make the difference between spiralling into fear and calmly recognising: sometimes a sandwich really is just a sandwich.
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