“Family” means Tolerated, not Loved

New Partners Navigating Ex Dynamics

One of the most painful and confusing experiences for a new partner in a blended family is seeing the ex treated like part of the family — warmly greeted, hugged, and included in gatherings. It can feel like a silent betrayal, a sign that the ex is somehow more accepted or even liked than you. But here’s a vital truth that’s often overlooked:

Family members often don’t like each other much — they tolerate one another and keep things civil.

This applies just as much to the ex as to anyone else in the family. Being “still family” and treated amicably doesn’t mean the ex is beloved or genuinely liked. In fact, beneath those smiles and polite greetings, many family members may be gossiping, holding grudges, or simply enduring the relationship because it has to be that way.

The reality behind the warmth

Family dynamics are rarely simple or purely affectionate. Especially in complex or blended families, the bonds aren’t always warm — they are often practical and strategic. The ex, particularly if they are co-parenting a child, holds a permanent place in the family structure. That means:
The family has to maintain civility, even if feelings are mixed or negative.

Smiles and hugs are often social “lubricants” — ways to avoid conflict in shared spaces.

Underneath, there can be

unresolved tension, criticism, or even outright dislike.

So when you see your partner’s family acting friendly toward the ex, it’s not necessarily because they prefer her or think she’s “better” than you. It’s usually because they’re navigating a delicate balance, choosing to tolerate and keep peace — especially when children are involved.

Why this matters for new partners:

Understanding this dynamic can be deeply reassuring. It helps you:
Stop personalizing the friendliness. Their civility isn’t about you losing ground; it’s about managing a complicated family situation.

See the bigger picture. Everyone in the family is juggling difficult feelings and obligations, not just you.
Build patience and perspective. Recognize that family warmth is often about endurance, not enjoyment.

What new partners can do:

Communicate openly with your partner. Share your feelings and seek reassurance about your place in the family.
Set personal boundaries. Protect your emotional wellbeing by managing how much time you spend in difficult family situations.
Find support outside the family. Build your own circle that values and affirms you.
Remember: Family unity doesn’t require liking everyone. It’s often about tolerating and coexisting.
Seeing the ex treated as “still family” is hard, but it doesn’t mean she’s truly liked or that your relationship is less valued. It means the family is doing what families often do: keeping it civil, tolerating discomfort, and holding the fragile fabric of connection together — even when hearts aren’t fully in it.

Your in-laws and blended families. Why do they act like this?