Latent attachment anxiety

One of the most misunderstood things after separation is the idea that if it happened "long enough" ago, you should be completely over it. People often think that if you still have any kind of reaction or feelings later on, there must be something wrong with you or that you’re immature — but that isn’t true.

In other words - if new relationship is formed after separation the other parent should not have any difficult feelings about it unless they are still secretly in love with their ex and only denying it or they are mentally immature or just plain bad and mean person who doesn't want their ex to have a life their own. 

Those people are wrong. It's not any of those. It's a simple neurological reaction called Latent attachment anxiety. Old attachment alarm that reactivates when a past bond is symbolically closed (e.g., ex’s remarriage)

This misconception is the root of majority of difficulties people are facing when new relationships after separation are starting to form. 

Latent attachment anxiety is subtle, but extremely powerful in explaining why even calm, “healed” adults can suddenly feel emotional turbulence when an ex remarries.

Along side of explaining the high conflict behaviour attachment anxiety explains how ex partners rational explanations (“I’m just being kind”) growing from the emotional subtext (“Please don’t leave me out”) It will demonstrate how latent attachment anxiety hides inside seemingly generous co-parenting behavior.

Let’s unpack why that mindset (“they should be over it”) is both psychologically naïve and deeply unhelpful — and what’s actually happening underneath when an ex struggles emotionally after you move on.

🧩 1. Time Passes; Attachment Doesn’t Automatically Expire

Divorce is not the end of an event — it’s a turning point. People are coming into this smart line with pre-built a shared identity, routines, rituals, family roles, and mutual dependencies, your nervous system has been wired around that other person they created something forever lasting - shared children, shared parenting. It's a neurological connections our “thinking brain” is trying to manage and overwrite. 

Even years later, certain cues (seeing them with someone new, hearing about a wedding, watching your child hug the new spouse) can reactivate dormant neural circuits that used to manage closeness, jealousy, safety, and belonging.

So when someone reacts strongly, it’s not because they’re being childish — it’s because their body remembers connection before their mind does.

That’s not immaturity; that’s neurology.

💔 2. Remarriage Reopens the Attachment Wound

Divorce creates a wound — but often, that wound scars, not fully heals.

The remarriage of an ex acts like a symbolic knife through that scar.

It represents:

Absolute finality, nothing to hold on to. No just spend Christmas together for children as we are both single. No staying for dinner as its easier than go home and cook for one. No more making decisions on spot or spontaneously because we don't have to consider other people opinion or feelings. 

Replacement. Someone else gets what used to be mine. I am not the first person in communication line. I am not invited anymore to extended family gatherings or it's now complicated and “pre checked” with another person that they are OK with me attending. Maybe I will be phased out by the other parent extended family circle. I am not part of their story anymore.

Identity shift. I am no longer the only Mrs X there is another person who has the same title. I am not the daughter in law/son in law I used to be. My title is passed to someone else. 

Even if the person doesn’t consciously want reconciliation, the event forces the nervous system to re-mourn the old bond.

That’s not regression — it’s a new layer of grief.

It's not chosen behaviour, it's automatic reaction, a neurological reflex. 

🧠 3. “They should act like an adult” = misunderstanding of emotional maturity

Being an adult doesn’t mean being in vulnerable. It means having self-awareness about one’s humanity and emotions — not the absence of them.

Our culture often equates emotional pain with weakness, especially in divorced or separated people. The narrative goes:
“You chose this, so you can’t feel sad.”
“It’s been years — get over it.”
“You’re being dramatic; be happy for them.”

But maturity is not the suppression of feeling; it’s the integration of feeling — the ability to feel grief, jealousy, anger, or loss without letting it dominate or define behavior.

To recognise those feelings and not to hide yourself in denial. 

So when an ex feels emotional turbulence, the question shouldn’t be “Why aren’t they over it?” but rather “Can they process this safely without harming themselves or others?” That’s the real marker of adult functioning.

This is where so many new partners making a huge mistake. Mistake that is triggered by their own fear and anxiety over attachment. 

They start pushing the trigger buttons with the other parent. Inflame the discomfort, use the discomfort to manipulate the other parent to loose control over their emotions. They refuse to give them time and space to prosess their feelings. Sometimes demand meetings or communication to be shared with them or only go via them. 

They will make sure the discomfort volume is tuned to maximum. They want to see the other parent to make fool of themselves in public. (or social media) 

⚖️ 4. Why Dismissing the Reaction Makes Things Worse

When others respond to a struggling ex with “get over it,” it often shames the person for a normal emotional process, drives the pain underground (where it becomes resentment or hostility), and increases the likelihood of acting out (control, criticism, sabotage) as the only way to express hurt indirectly.

In contrast, normalizing the emotional wave doesn’t excuse bad behavior — it contains it by acknowledging it as expected and temporary. It also gives space for asking and receiving support for processing those feelings as a transition phase. 

For example:

“It’s understandable this feels strange or painful right now. Let’s give it space rather than shame.”

That one shift — from moral judgment to emotional understanding — dramatically lowers defensiveness and reactivity.

🌊 5. The “Second Divorce” Phenomenon

Researchers and clinicians often describe an ex’s remarriage as triggering a “second divorce.” Even if years have passed, the remarriage crystallizes the reality that the shared narrative has ended permanently.

Typical emotional responses include:

A fresh wave of grief or loneliness, disguised as “he is abandoning children and choosing his new partner and her kids over mine “

Anger disguised as “concern for the kids,” in multiple versions and areas that never been a concern before. 

Comparisons to the new partner disguised as “the new partner is trying to act like a parent, crossing boundaries “

Re-evaluation of one’s own life path (“What have I done since then?” “I am struggling and they live their best life”).

This doesn’t mean they still love their ex — it means they’re mourning the final version of the life they once imagined.

 6. A Compassionate Frame for Moving On

Instead of the “they should be over it” mindset, a healthier framing is: 

“This is a natural emotional ripple in a long and complex story. It doesn’t mean they’re unstable — it means something final is being integrated.”

That attitude doesn’t condone cruelty or drama — it just humanizes the transition.

Compassion and boundaries can coexist.

You can say: “I know this change is hard. I still want us to communicate kindly and consistently for the kids. I don't think you are crazy to be upset but our children need you to be able to put a brave face on.”

That small validation might defuse what might otherwise become a full-blown conflict.

🧭 7. The Paradox of Acceptance

Here’s the paradox:

When we allow an ex (or ourselves) to feel whatever the remarriage stirs up — without judgment — the feelings pass faster.

When we shame or suppress them (“I shouldn’t feel this way”), they linger longer or can become permanent anxious attachment. 

Emotional healing works like physical healing:

If you let the wound breathe, it closes.

If you keep it bandaged in denial or shame, it festers.

It works for everyone involved. 

The parent who remarries must understand, normalise and give time and space to the other parent. 

The new partner/spouse must understand its normal reaction and not to blame their parentner and ex for “still having feelings after all this time you been separated/divorced”. 

The parent who's ex must avoid feeling ashamed and hide behind the denial (“no, this theory is not about me, my ex did remarry a monster and everyone is against me now, I am the true victim”)