The “Loyalty Gap” perception

The Politeness–Loyalty Clash: Why friendly gestures toward someone you dislike can sting so much

1. The clash between feelings and behaviour

Inside: You dislike (or even strongly disapprove of) this person because of how they’ve treated someone you love — or, in some cases, you yourself.

Outside: You still behave politely, maybe even warmly, when you meet them.

That mismatch — acting friendly toward someone you inwardly dislike — can feel jarring. Your mind goes:

“Wait… aren’t we supposed to be enemies here?”

When you’re the one doing it, you know the reasons: the kids are around, you’re in public, you just want to keep the peace.

When you’re watching someone else do it, you don’t hear that inner monologue — you only see the smiles, the body language, the hug. And humans are wired to read warmth in behaviour as warmth in feeling.

2. Why we do it anyway

Even when dislike runs deep, several human instincts and practical reasons keep us civil:

Social harmony instincts – In close communities, hostility poisons the group. Politeness is a “lubricant” to keep things functional.

Strategic co-existence – In blended families or co-parenting setups, civility is often tactical.

Emotional compartmentalisation – You can box up your dislike for five minutes in public.

Empathy creep – Face-to-face interaction can soften your tone even if your mind says “nope.”

3. Why it can feel hypocritical or hurtful

From the outside, friendliness toward someone who’s caused pain can look like disloyalty.

We expect those close to us to visibly share our stance — to mirror our dislike as proof of solidarity.

When that doesn’t happen, it can feel like a defection, even if they’re still privately aligned with us.

4. When the disliked person is an ex (or almost)

This feeling intensifies in romantic-family contexts.

If the person being greeted warmly is your partner’s ex — or, as in some cases, a casual hookup who became the mother of your partner’s child — you’re not just dealing with general dislike. You’re dealing with:

Boundary sensitivity – They are a living reminder of your partner’s intimate past.

Family loyalty expectations – You want your partner’s family to “close ranks” around you, the current partner.

Status tension – They may be treated like long-standing family while you’re still the “new addition,” even after years.

5. The high-conflict co-parent twist

If she’s not just an ex but a permanent high-conflict presence in your life, the dynamic is even sharper:

She undermines your relationship or fuels hostility toward it.

She’s still greeted with warmth — smiles, hugs — by your partner’s family.

You are kept at a polite distance in comparison.

To you, that warmth feels like a reward for bad behaviour.

To them, it may be a tactic — a way to keep the peace for the child’s sake, avoid open conflict, and keep family events bearable.

6. Why it doesn’t fade with time

Seven years in, you might expect that friendliness to her would have cooled and your own place would be solidified.

When it hasn’t, it can create a sense of perpetual limbo — you’re the committed partner privately validated by your spouse, but not fully mirrored in the family’s public interactions.

7. The cognitive dissonance at the heart of it

Cognitive dissonance happens when:

1. You hold a belief (“She’s bad for our family / she’s hostile to me”).

2. You act (or others act) in a way that doesn’t match that belief (smiling, hugging, chatting).

We resolve that tension by:

Avoiding the person,

Softening our beliefs, or

Compartmentalising (“This is just for show, it doesn’t mean anything”).

In short:

You and your partner’s family might both be doing the same thing — showing civility to someone disliked — but your perspectives differ.

For them, it’s social damage control.

For you, it’s a breach of loyalty.

The pain comes from the perspective gap:

Inside the moment, warmth can be strategic.

Outside the moment, warmth looks like allegiance.

And when the person receiving it is a high-conflict co-parent with entrenched family ties, that gap can feel like a canyon.

Your in-laws and blended families. Why do they behave like this?