Why BIFF Isn’t a Sign Dad Doesn’t Care About the Children

When Dad Goes “All Business"

Co-parenting after separation is one of the hardest challenges any parent can face. Many mothers long to stay connected through conversation — sharing stories about their child’s day, weighing up after-school activities, negotiating holidays, discussing bedtimes, swapping photos. It feels natural, even essential. They want this kind of connection to last. They believe that is good co-parenting. Even if the relationship itself is strained, communication about the children feels like it must remain open.

Then reality sets in: Dad only replies with short, factual messages. He keeps it brief, businesslike — sometimes even cold. For many mothers this feels unbearable. The thought creeps in: “If he doesn’t want to talk to me, perhaps he doesn’t care about our child either.”

But the truth is very different.


What BIFF really means. 

BIFF — Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm — is a communication style many separated dads adopt. It can sound cold, but it isn’t a sign of disinterest in the children. More often, it’s about self-protection.
Long, reflective messages can feel overwhelming or confrontational to dads. Men are often wired to see communication as information exchange rather than emotional sharing. When faced with lengthy texts — full of worries, feelings or reflections — Dad may read them as criticism, guilt-tripping, or attempts to pull him back into old conflicts.
For him, short and factual replies feel like the safest way to stay civil. In other words: BIFF is about managing conflict, not about loving the children less.

Why Emotional Pressure Backfires
When mothers push for more emotional sharing — through long texts, repeated requests for discussion, angry accusations, or appeals for closeness — it usually backfires.
Pressure triggers withdrawal. Dad feels attacked, so he shuts down.
Demands for openness or personal updates can feel like an attempt to re-enter the old relationship.
The result is Dad retreats further, leaving Mum feeling even more invisible.

Instead of creating closeness, pressure deepens distance.


Good Co-Parenting Doesn’t Require Emotional Sharing
It's different what we want and what we need. Here’s the crucial point: healthy co-parenting does not depend on emotional intimacy between parents.
You don’t need late-night phone calls, private jokes, or updates about personal lives to raise a child well. What children need most is clear, predictable, respectful communication.
That means being:
Factual about schedules, school, and routines.
Clear about responsibilities.
Consistent, so the child feels secure.

When parents try to chase emotional connection, it often stirs up old wounds: rejection from the breakup, guilt about “failing” the family, or overcompensating with the child. The healthier approach is calm, clear, businesslike communication — focused on the child, not the past.
It may feel less comforting than emotional closeness, but it is safer and more effective.


The Trap of Blaming the “New Partner”
Another common reaction is assuming: “This isn’t really him. His new partner must be stopping him from talking to me the way he used to.”
Understandable — but dangerous.
When Mum blames the new partner:
Dad sees it as jealousy and withdraws further.
The stepmother feels attacked, creating more tension.
Mum risks looking as though she is interfering in Dad’s new life.
The reality is usually simple: BIFF is Dad’s choice, not his partner’s control. He wants boundaries. He wants safety. Blaming someone else only fuels conflict.
The Healthier Shift:  Be BIFF Yourself
Instead of seeing BIFF as rejection, adopt the same approach yourself.
Keep messages brief and clear.
Stick to what’s informative and child-focused.
Be friendly, but neutral.
Stay firm without blame.
Doing this will:
1. Protect you from disappointment when long, emotional messages go unanswered.
2. Put you on equal ground, in a style Dad feels safe with.
3. Keep the focus on your child, not the old relationship.

The Takeaway
A businesslike style of communication doesn’t mean Dad doesn’t love his children. It simply means he no longer shares emotional intimacy with you — which is entirely normal after separation.
He can still love, laugh with, and cherish his children, while choosing to keep his communication with you short and factual.
If you’re longing for more connection, remember: pressing harder with anger, blame, or rivalry will only drive him further away. Step into BIFF yourself.
It may not feel warm, but it brings something more valuable:
Equality.
Clearer communication.
Less disappointment.
And, most importantly, a child who grows up with two parents who cooperate — even if they no longer love one another.

Why Children Struggle With Their Parents’ New Partners

Separation and divorce are painful not only for the adults involved, but also for the children. Parents often assume that, over time, their children will adjust—and in many ways, they do. They learn to live in two households, to navigate different rules, and to carry on with their daily lives. But when it comes to new partners, there is almost always resistance, even if the child never says it outright.

Many children will insist: “I know my parents won’t get back together.” They can even say it matter-of-factly, with a tone that sounds like acceptance. But underneath, there is often another truth: as long as both parents are still alive, the child usually does not want a “replacement” in their parent’s life.

The “Parachute” Feeling

Think of it like flying on an aeroplane. We know, realistically, that the plane will not fall out of the sky. But in the unlikely event that it does, we want a parachute. We need the option, the safety net.

Children often feel the same way about their separated parents. They may know their parents are unlikely to reunite, but the hope—the possibility—remains like a folded parachute in the back of their minds. It gives comfort. It feels safe.

When a parent brings in a new partner, that parachute seems to disappear. The possibility, however slim, that “maybe someday they’ll come to their senses and be together again” is gone. The position is filled.

Dating vs. Replacement

Children can sometimes tolerate the idea of their parent casually dating. What they struggle with is permanence—a new person moving in, reshaping family routines, stepping into roles that feel sacred.

For the child, this does not just feel like “Mum/Dad has someone new.” It feels like:

“My other parent has been replaced.”

“My family as I knew it is gone for good.”

“I no longer have the parachute of even hoping for a reunion.”

This shift is especially visible with preteens. In the early stages of dating, they might even show great excitement towards their parent’s new partner. For children that age, dating can seem like a fun game—something light-hearted, almost like “playing house” the way they might with their friends. Preteen girls, in particular, may even say they want their parent to get married again. A wedding is just another glamorous party in their imaginary game.

But when the relationship shifts from casual to serious—when the partner begins spending nights, sharing holidays, or moving into the household—the “game” ends. What once felt entertaining or harmless suddenly becomes real, and that reality often brings resentment, loyalty conflict, or even anger.

The shift from play to replacement is subconscious. For a parent, it can be shocking: the same child who was once enthusiastic and talking excitedly about weddings now turns angry and resentful. Parents often feel blindsided, and many instinctively blame their ex for “turning the child against them,” when in reality it may have nothing to do with the other parent. It is simply that the child has moved out of the “game” mindset and into the “reality” mindset.

Holding Space for Your Child’s Reality

This does not mean that parents should never date again, or that love after separation is wrong. It simply means that, as a parent, you must recognise the emotional reality your child lives with. They may never fully celebrate a new partner in your life—and that is not because they do not want you to be happy, but because deep inside, they are still protecting that parachute.

The kindest thing a parent can do is to acknowledge this when responding to their child’s change in behaviour:

Give your child space to share their feelings without pressure.

Recognise that acceptance does not always equal approval.

Understand that even if you move forward with a new relationship, your child will likely always carry that wish, however unrealistic, for their parents to reconcile.

Avoid becoming childlike yourself by trying to force your child to act or say things they once did when they were in “game mode.”

A Gentle Balance

Children do not need us to sacrifice our own chances of love forever. But they do need us to tread carefully, and to understand that “moving on” as an adult feels very different from “being replaced” as a child.

By holding this awareness, parents can navigate their own lives with compassion—not only for themselves, but for the tender hearts of the children who are still learning how to fly without fearing the loss of their parachute.

The rule book and Co-Parenting advice

When Guidance Feels Like Judgment: The hidden weight of co-parenting advice

Listening to conversations among separated parents, and observing the experiences many share, a troubling pattern becomes clear. Books, blogs, and podcasts about co-parenting often promise guidance and support, yet for many they do the opposite. Instead of offering encouragement, they leave parents feeling drained, judged, and even depressed. Rather than gentle suggestions, they tend to read like rule books—lists of commands about what one must always do and what one must never do.

The problem is not that advice exists—it is that so much of it is framed as universal rules. These resources frequently present themselves as if there is a single correct way to co-parent, a strict set of “shoulds” and “should nots” that everyone must follow. But co-parenting is never a copy-and-paste situation. Every family is different. Every child is unique. Every breakup or separation has its own history and complications. And yet, the tone is often the same: “everyone should…”—as though life after separation can be reduced to simple commandments.

The weight of these “rules” can be crushing. Because the truth is: no parent can always live up to every “should.” Life is complicated. Emotions run high. Practical realities sometimes make the “ideal” choice impossible. And when parents inevitably fall short, the message they take in is harsh and unforgiving: they have failed. They are “bad” co-parents. They are not doing enough for their children.

This cycle breeds shame rather than growth. Instead of supporting healing, it deepens wounds. The endless stream of instructions makes parents feel as if they are constantly being measured against an impossible standard. And for people already carrying the enormous emotional weight of separation, this constant sense of falling short is devastating.

What would be far more helpful are not rules but tools. Not commands but options. Advice that says, “Here are some things you could try,” rather than “Here is what you must do.” Resources that acknowledge the complexity of human life, respect the uniqueness of each family’s story, and offer encouragement rather than condemnation. Parents benefit most from guidance that empowers them to experiment, adapt, and discover what works for their specific situation—not instructions that dictate what worked for someone else.

Separation is already one of life’s heaviest burdens. No one needs rule books that deepen despair. What parents need are compassionate voices that remind them that imperfection is part of being human. That stumbling does not make them failures. That trying, learning, and showing up for their children, even in imperfect ways, is already an act of courage.

So let us stop letting strangers dictate how separated parents must live after heartbreak. Let us seek out and create resources that inspire rather than condemn. And let us remember that the best co-parenting “manual” is not found in someone else’s book or blog, but in the daily, imperfect, loving choices parents make for their children.

Read more about this here. 

ednesday, 28 September 2022

Why does reading about what good co-parenting should look like, usually makes things worse for yourself?