Why Children Struggle With Their Parents’ New Partners

Separation and divorce are painful not only for the adults involved, but also for the children. Parents often assume that, over time, their children will adjust—and in many ways, they do. They learn to live in two households, to navigate different rules, and to carry on with their daily lives. But when it comes to new partners, there is almost always resistance, even if the child never says it outright.

Many children will insist: “I know my parents won’t get back together.” They can even say it matter-of-factly, with a tone that sounds like acceptance. But underneath, there is often another truth: as long as both parents are still alive, the child usually does not want a “replacement” in their parent’s life.

The “Parachute” Feeling

Think of it like flying on an aeroplane. We know, realistically, that the plane will not fall out of the sky. But in the unlikely event that it does, we want a parachute. We need the option, the safety net.

Children often feel the same way about their separated parents. They may know their parents are unlikely to reunite, but the hope—the possibility—remains like a folded parachute in the back of their minds. It gives comfort. It feels safe.

When a parent brings in a new partner, that parachute seems to disappear. The possibility, however slim, that “maybe someday they’ll come to their senses and be together again” is gone. The position is filled.

Dating vs. Replacement

Children can sometimes tolerate the idea of their parent casually dating. What they struggle with is permanence—a new person moving in, reshaping family routines, stepping into roles that feel sacred.

For the child, this does not just feel like “Mum/Dad has someone new.” It feels like:

“My other parent has been replaced.”

“My family as I knew it is gone for good.”

“I no longer have the parachute of even hoping for a reunion.”

This shift is especially visible with preteens. In the early stages of dating, they might even show great excitement towards their parent’s new partner. For children that age, dating can seem like a fun game—something light-hearted, almost like “playing house” the way they might with their friends. Preteen girls, in particular, may even say they want their parent to get married again. A wedding is just another glamorous party in their imaginary game.

But when the relationship shifts from casual to serious—when the partner begins spending nights, sharing holidays, or moving into the household—the “game” ends. What once felt entertaining or harmless suddenly becomes real, and that reality often brings resentment, loyalty conflict, or even anger.

The shift from play to replacement is subconscious. For a parent, it can be shocking: the same child who was once enthusiastic and talking excitedly about weddings now turns angry and resentful. Parents often feel blindsided, and many instinctively blame their ex for “turning the child against them,” when in reality it may have nothing to do with the other parent. It is simply that the child has moved out of the “game” mindset and into the “reality” mindset.

Holding Space for Your Child’s Reality

This does not mean that parents should never date again, or that love after separation is wrong. It simply means that, as a parent, you must recognise the emotional reality your child lives with. They may never fully celebrate a new partner in your life—and that is not because they do not want you to be happy, but because deep inside, they are still protecting that parachute.

The kindest thing a parent can do is to acknowledge this when responding to their child’s change in behaviour:

Give your child space to share their feelings without pressure.

Recognise that acceptance does not always equal approval.

Understand that even if you move forward with a new relationship, your child will likely always carry that wish, however unrealistic, for their parents to reconcile.

Avoid becoming childlike yourself by trying to force your child to act or say things they once did when they were in “game mode.”

A Gentle Balance

Children do not need us to sacrifice our own chances of love forever. But they do need us to tread carefully, and to understand that “moving on” as an adult feels very different from “being replaced” as a child.

By holding this awareness, parents can navigate their own lives with compassion—not only for themselves, but for the tender hearts of the children who are still learning how to fly without fearing the loss of their parachute.