Your child and your stepchild are bickering, teasing, and getting on each other’s nerves.
Why your stepchild’s behaviour feels worse — even when others can’t see it
It’s very common in blended families for parents to feel that their stepchild is being meaner, harsher, or more intentional in conflicts — while their own child’s behavior feels “playful,” “immature,” or “not so bad.”
But there are two traps in this kind of thinking.
The first is that our friends and family are our support network — they’re loyal to us and naturally take our side. Even our partner, the parent of the stepchild, might sometimes agree. Not necessarily because they see the same thing, but because they’ve left us in charge of parenting and don’t want to “get in the middle.” Agreeing can feel safer than risking tension or hearing, “If you disagree, you do the parenting.”
The second trap lies deeper — in our own brains and nervous systems. These are forces we can’t consciously control, and most of us aren’t even aware of how our body’s automatic responses quietly shape what we see and feel.
Let’s take a closer look at what our nervous system is really doing behind the scenes.
1. We See Our Own Children Through a Softer Lens
Our brains are wired to be more forgiving of people we feel deeply attached to — especially our own kids. This is called in-group bias. When our biological child teases, we instinctively assume they didn’t mean harm. But when a stepchild does the same thing, it can feel more personal or deliberate, even if it’s not.
This happens automatically and is influenced by how our brains process familiarity, safety, and emotional connection.
2. Protective Instincts Kick In
Parents are hardwired to protect their children. When there’s conflict, our instincts push us to defend our own. So if both children are involved, our brain quickly places our child in the “must protect” role and the stepchild in the “possible threat” role.
This isn’t logical — it’s emotional. It’s the brain’s old survival wiring at work.
3. Emotional Resonance Is Stronger With Our Own Kids
When we see our own child upset, our brains literally feel it more strongly. Studies show our “mirror neuron system” and empathy networks light up more intensely when we see people we’re bonded to in distress.
So, when your child cries or complains, it hurts more. When the stepchild does, you might feel less emotionally pulled — not because you care less, but because your brain doesn’t yet “mirror” them the same way.
4. Loyalty and Belonging Tensions
Blended families often carry quiet emotional tension around loyalty — “Am I allowed to be as upset with my child as with my partner’s?” or “Will my partner defend my child too?”
When those worries sit in the background, they can color how we interpret what’s happening. Blame or frustration can slide more easily toward the “other” child, simply because our minds are trying to reduce the discomfort of divided loyalty.
5. What Helps
Awareness itself changes things. Once you know these biases exist, you can slow down and reality-check your reactions:
Ask: “If my own child did this, would I feel the same way?”
Pause before labeling intent: Not every sharp tone or shove is “mean” — sometimes it’s frustration or insecurity.
Work on shared attachment: The more positive moments you have with your stepchild, the more your brain will start to include them in your emotional “in-group.”
Talk as co-parents, not just parents: Check each other gently — you might each see your own child’s behavior through a softer lens.
6. The Big Picture
Blended families don’t fail because of conflict — they grow through it.
The goal isn’t to feel the same about all the kids overnight; it’s to stay aware of our protective filters and keep working toward fairness and connection. Over time, emotional bonds can deepen and these perceptual gaps soften naturally.
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