In blended families, many people sincerely advocate for a “same for everyone” approach—especially when it comes to gifts from grandparents.
The motivation is usually kind: a wish to
protect children from feeling left out, to promote unity, and to show that everyone belongs. These intentions deserve respect.
At the same time, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) reminds us that good intentions alone are not enough; our beliefs and behaviors also need to be grounded in reality and fairness. From a CBT perspective, it can be helpful to distinguish fairness from sameness. Fairness means responding appropriately to the nature of a relationship. Sameness means treating all situations as though they are identical. In blended families, relationships are loving and real—but they are not all formed in the same way or over the same span of time. Acknowledging that difference is not a failure of love; it is an act of honesty.
Biological grandparents have a long, deeply rooted relationship with their biological grandchildren—one shaped by shared history, family stories, and often many years of connection. When new children enter the family through a partner, those children deserve kindness, warmth, and respect. But expecting grandparents to now express that newer relationship in exactly the same way as a lifelong one can place them in an impossible emotional position.
CBT helps us notice when discomfort leads to rigid rules. Sometimes the push for “same for everyone” comes from a fear: If we admit there are differences, does that mean we are not truly a family? This kind of thinking is understandable, but it is also a form of emotional reasoning—assuming that because something feels uncomfortable, it must be wrong. In reality, families can be loving, connected, and healthy while still acknowledging different backgrounds and histories.
Trying to erase those histories can actually create more tension. When families pretend that nothing existed before the blending, it can feel—quietly and unintentionally—like rewriting the past. History does not disappear when we ignore it; it simply goes unspoken. Children, grandparents, and parents often sense this unspoken truth, and that can lead to frustration rather than security.
Warmth and belonging grow best in honesty. When we allow relationships to develop naturally instead of forcing them into identical shapes, we reduce resentment and increase trust. Children benefit from learning that love does not have to be measured or matched to be real. They learn that people can care in different ways—and that this is normal.
It is especially important to approach grandparents with compassion. When they give generous gifts to their biological grandchildren, this is usually an expression of longstanding attachment, not rejection of others. Turning this into conflict or moral judgment can damage relationships that might otherwise grow more inclusive over time. CBT emphasizes healthy boundaries: grandparents are allowed to be truthful about their emotional connections, just as parents are allowed to hope for kindness toward all children.
The saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” reminds us to look at outcomes as well as motives. When the pursuit of sameness leads to pressure, guilt, or fighting, it may be time to pause and gently reframe the belief behind it.
A healthier, more balanced thought might be:
“Different relationships naturally show love in different ways, and that does not reduce anyone’s worth.”
Blended families do not need perfection or performance to succeed. They need patience, openness, and the courage to let relationships be real rather than forced. Standing up for fairness—without demanding sameness—creates space for genuine connection to grow, at its own pace, and in its own honest way.
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