People, who are choosing to have a baby via a co-parenting agreement, instead of the traditional: “When mummy and daddy are loving each other very much …” way to attempt a family, are facing some unique problems. Loads of them are dealing with co-parenting myths. Over time I am trying to list out the most common ones and explain the dangers of following those blindly.
Myth nr 1: "Children need memories with mum and dad together. Children need memories of family events as a nuclear family."
Children can accept any reality as a norm and live accordingly. You can not grieve for something you did not lose.
Since the 1960s universities and governments have been collecting data about how happy people are with their lives. There is an enormous database over time covering very different groups.
All those surveys gave one clear strong correlation: people, who did not experience loss, are significantly happier with their lives, compared to people in the same situation and who used to have something more before reaching this point in their lives.
For example; People with one car in their household classified themselves as “poor” and “not happy”, or “not satisfied with my life” if they used to have two or more cars previously. When people with one car classified themselves as “doing well” and “happy” or “satisfied with my life” if they never had more than one car. And classified themselves as “rich” and “happy” or “satisfied with my life” if they previously had no car at all.
It's more likely that you are causing severe pain to your child if you are trying to create “nuclear family” style memories for them. They will give them a taste of something they will lose sooner or later. And you are creating a foundation for disappointment and feelings of loss. Even if you are the one of a million co-parenting couple who will manage to keep nuclear family style events alive, it will be always: “I am getting a little bit, it's not real” Because unless you two are forming a nuclear family, you will always give to your child a modified version of a nuclear family. And unfortunately what you can do “like family” will be different year by year and will never feel like a “real family”.
It would be so much healthier to admit: my child is born into a very unique setting. There is no one family, there are two different parents with different bubbles and my child is moving between two bubbles, not living in an imaginary bubble. Imaginary things will never last.
Now, if you are creating those "Mummy and daddy together with me” memories, then you are making your child go through all the same emotional trauma, that children have to face when their parents are divorcing. Because one day one or both of you will meet someone and the bubble will be gone and your child will hit the trauma of a family breakdown. You are choosing to put your child through all this pain only to have some cute pictures for YOUR social media and memories FOR YOURSELF. It's you who want to fake a family you were not able to have in reality. Your child doesn't know anything about that stuff grown-ups are thinking of. Consider that very carefully before you get into temptation to follow this myth.
Myth nr 2 "We must remind friends for children's sake"
Children don’t need you to be friends.
As long as you don't hate each other, as long as they can have both of you at the same life events without worrying you will kill each other, they don't care about your personal friendship.
It could be even the other way around, teenagers might feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed that their parents are having too close, improper almost intimate level interactions.
Parents are staying friends for their own emotional needs (https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/7-reasons-why-being-friends-with-your-ex-usually-doesnt-work)
It's absolutely fine to tell your child: “Your dad/mum is a great person but I really don't want to talk to/ meet up/ go for a meal/ have a chat with them. He/she is not my spouse and I don't feel that connection with them.”
It's not damaging to your child in the slightest. They might have some questions about how relationships are working or they might just shrug their shoulders and carry on with their lives.
It is damaging if you let your child know (directly or reading between the lines or overhearing your conversations with your friends) that: “ I really don't want to talk to your mum/dad because she/he is always mean. But I will attend your school event with them because we are your parents and we are doing things for you even if it makes us uncomfortable”
Now your child feels- you dislike their other parent, which means half of them are not likeable. The second bad feeling is coming from the fact that you are coming to their event without good feelings because being in the same room with their other parent makes you feel uncomfortable and the third bad feeling comes from the fact that their (your children) are to blame, you are doing all those things that make you uncomfortable because of them. You would not be anywhere near this person if there is no need to co-parent. And absolutely NOT "for children's sake". With this comment you will say that you are doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable and it is because of your child, it's your child’s “fault”. They get the blame.
Read about myths nr 3 and 4 here
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