Let's say that you have successfully passed co-parenting crises one, two and three. You are getting along and supporting each other. You can visit each other's houses, and go to family functions together with your co-parent. You even managed to talk and agree about your personal life and future scenarios. You are clear about the fact that you both are dating and hoping one day to create your sub-family with someone special. Maybe you even discuss your dates and whether they are successful? Perhaps you ask them for their male/female perspective on aspects of your date's comments and behaviours. You are a team, you are open and honest.
Maybe your co-parent is excited to meet that person?
And then, out of blue, your co-parent surprises you with something like this:
- Your new partner should not get involved in anything parenting related;
- Your co-parent has no plans to have any communication with your new partner, he/she is not the parent and should stay back;
- Your new partner should not have any right to communicate with me about anything ever. Communication must be strictly between parents. We are parents of (insert the name);
- Your co-parent will not respond to any message that comes from your new partner;
- Your co-parent has no intentions to communicate in your new partner's presence;
- Your co-parent will not reply if you will attempt to create a group chat for all of you;
- Your co-parent has no interest to make it work between all of you, no interest to meet or to discuss anything involving your new partner;
- Your co-parent has no interest in acknowledging your new partner's presence because she is not her children's parent;
- Suddenly your co-parent is adding into each of your conversations that “it's for parents only, other people should not be involved”.
Your co-parent who maybe was previously excited to hear your dating stories now:
- Ignores any attempts to continue open communication;
- Changes the subject or leaves every time you happen to mention anything related to your new partner;
- Ignores your partner during any events or unexpected meetings;
- Visibly avoids being in a situation where your new partner might have a chance to speak to them (if that happens, your co-parent cuts conversion short and removes themself);
- Will not respond to your new partner's greetings, compliments, questions, etc. effectively acting like your new partner is invisible;
- Reminds you over and over again, that your new partner is of no interest to them and they don't want to be reminded that your new partner exists.
This can result in your new partner feeling marginalised and mistreated. You feel very confused. Nothing overtly aggressive happened: your co-parent is not rude, doesn’t obviously attack your partner, doesn’t openly badmouth them. But it FEELS uncomfortable.
Let's look at the situation from your new partner's point of view. From now on, I am using “mum” as an example of the co-parent who is using the silent treatment against dad's partner, purely because this problem is more common in this setting. It's a significantly lower percentage of dads who will apply the silent treatment to mum's partner. If your case is that dad is the one who is giving the silent treatment, everything that follows still applies, just swap “mum” and “dad” as well as “she” and “he”.
Regardless of how many times are we told that it's a person's right to choose whom they want to talk to, and that they are allowed not to talk to people if they don't want to - it feels uncomfortable and unfair to be singled out and ignored, avoided and treated like a leper.
It's a textbook example of cognitive dissonance. On the surface, everything is above board. No one put their hands on you, and no one said any mean things to you. You should not have any reason to complain. But it makes you feel uncomfortable. Like if you were experiencing sexual harassment but everyone is telling you that it’s ok and normal, don't be so sensitive - you have not been actually raped, have you, so what are you complaining about?
However, your instincts ARE right, your feelings ARE valid, you ARE being abused by that other parent.
What do scientists around the world have to say about it?
“Silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is willing to communicate. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment. It may be used as a form of social rejection; according to the social psychologist Kipling Williams it is the most common form of ostracism. Research by the Workplace Bullying Institute suggests that "using the silent treatment to ice out & separate from others" is the fourth most common of all workplace bullying tactics experienced.”
The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.
Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.
The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of ‘taking the high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but. The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies. Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. Silence can feel like a dignified, high-road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without physical marks. (Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies)
https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/
Tactical ignoring is a strategy where a person gives no sign of recognising someone's interactions, such as no eye contact, no verbal or physical response, or acknowledgement that a message has been read. It's widely used by teachers and parents as a behaviour manipulation tactic. It's a control mechanism that aims to force another person to change their behaviour.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_treatment
When the mother of his children uses tactical ignoring, she can create high-level discomfort in the person she is choosing to ignore. Maybe it's only dad's partner, who is made “invisible for her” in this case her goal is to make Stepmum feel so uncomfortable and awkward that she will refuse to show up anywhere where the children's mother is present.
Then Mother can make an innocent sad face and say: “I have no idea why she is so awkward around me, why she doesn't want to attend any children-related events and if she does, never speaks to me! You all know, I never said a bad word about her. She must be an extremely insecure person!”
Maybe the mother is targeting both- the dad and his partner. Whenever a partner is present, mum is refusing to acknowledge dad as well as his partner. She can create a highly uncomfortable aura in the room for everyone and over time she is achieving the situation that her and dad's partner (and maybe dad as well) will not be invited to the same venue. As Prof P. Schrodt said: It's very difficult to realise what happens and who is the aggressor. We used to say, not talking to someone is not a crime. It's still better than those two fighting, right?
How to put your finger on when “not talking” is an abuse, called “the silent treatment”?
For the opening for this post, I used a picture from “Medical News Today”, and that is your answer. If the mother of his children doesn't want to jump into being your best friend and wine buddy from day one, that is not abuse. If she says that she is not interested in meeting (yet, in such an early stage), asks for time or reasonably limited interactions, give her time. She needs to deal with her own emotions and over time communication can develop. It can easily take a year or more. Remember: “Slowly, softly, catch the monkey”.
You have reason to be alerted if:
- She will fire those statements and demands I listed at the beginning;
- She is telling you (or used to tell you in the early days of the dating game) that you should be a co-parenting team with your new partners. That everyone must get along to give the best upbringing to the child in the middle;
- If she asked for a meet-up and had a civil or maybe even friendly chat with your partner and changed her tune later. Suddenly "doesn't like your partner, feels like your partner is crossing lines and should know her place."
Then this is the silent treatment that is being applied to manipulate your behaviour. Most likely you are dealing with a potential abuser here.
Even then taking a step back and not forcing yourself onto her will be the best tactic (read our story with emotionally abusive BM here).
If the other parent of their children is displaying signs to become potentially abusive with silent treatment techniques, please find a therapist for yourself. Most people do feel offended here: “Why me? I am not the one who had emotional problems! She needs therapy here, not me!” Yes and No. She needs therapy, alright, but you can not make her do it. You need therapy not to “fix yourself” but to protect yourself. It's like living next to a country where the government is clearly preparing for war. It's pointless to say, why should I invest in military capability, I am not preparing for war? Yes, you are not, but you are about to be attacked and you need to be prepared to defend yourself. Therapists will give you tools to protect yourself from getting hurt or even getting emotionally ruined. We need all the tools available and all the skills we possibly can learn to survive.
More ideas on how to navigate high-conflict co-parenting can be: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/
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