Meeting his ex-wife

One evening, the man I was dating casually said, “The mother of my son wants to meet you. We agreed that if either of us starts seeing someone new, the other parent has the right to meet them.” As a divorced mother myself, with an ex-husband who had remarried years ago, I was surprised. I’d never thought about meeting my ex-husband’s girlfriends. Why would I? What was the point? What were their intentions? At that early stage of our relationship, this raised a few concerns for me: Why did he need her approval to date? Did she always control who he could socialise with? And most importantly, how did a woman I’d never met suddenly have a say over me? Just because I was his girlfriend, did she have the right to meet me? Who gave her the power to make decisions about my social life? Do I still have a choice in who I meet, or have I lost that by being with him? At the time, the idea of controlling behaviour in co-parenting wasn’t widely recognised as abusive or even illegal under UK law, which made things even more confusing. The idea of “co-parenting as though we’re still a family for the kids” was becoming more popular, making things even harder to understand. Luckily, my boyfriend and I quickly came to an agreement. However, his child’s mother was determined to meet me, ignoring our preferences. She insisted on meeting me and even threatened consequences if my boyfriend didn’t comply, emphasising her role as the “Mother Of His Child.” This emotional pressure made me wonder: Why would a woman feel the need to meet her ex’s new partner? What drives this need? What are they hoping to achieve? After looking into forums and social media groups, I realised that these kinds of meetings are quite common, and so is the confusion around them. Some people feel a strong need to meet their ex’s new partner, while others are unsure of what to say or do in such situations. Interestingly, those who don’t feel the need for these meetings often have a strong sense of self. They’re not emotionally tied to their ex and don’t feel insecure. However, societal pressure can make them think they should go along with it. ( Read about Cognitive Dissonance here) For some, meeting the new partner is about making sure they stay important in their ex’s life. Others want to set rules for how their child is treated in the new partner’s home. Some meet out of insecurity, worrying that a new family unit might form without them. I also came across women who openly admitted they were just curious to see “the woman who seems to be better in his eyes.” Some people feel a strong need to meet their ex’s new partner but can’t quite explain why. They often hide their true reasons behind more acceptable excuses. Humans have inner motives and outward reasons. Motives are our deep thoughts and beliefs that drive what we do. These are often subconscious, meaning we might not even realise them. Reasons, on the other hand, are what we tell others, adjusted to fit what’s considered normal or acceptable. By looking at the common reasons people give for these meetings, we can better understand the hidden motives and needs they might have. First of all, the ex might want to make sure she stays an important figure in her ex-partner’s life. If she can force the father to set up a meeting, she feels like she’s still a constant presence. She can look the new woman in the eye and send the message, “I’m here, and I will always be here. You have to consider me for the rest of your life. I’m important to that man!” This could also be a way to intimidate the new partner and establish herself as the main influence. The ex might feel that by calling this meeting, she has the right to set rules for how her child is treated in the new partner’s home: “When my child is in your house, you must…” or “You must make sure that in your house…” On the other hand, some exes use this meeting to express dislike for the new partner. If they complain about the new girlfriend without having met her, they might be challenged with, “You don’t know her, so you can’t dislike her!” But after meeting, even if briefly, they can justify their feelings. There are also those who claim to “like” the new partner, usually because she’s willing to follow the ex’s rules, even in the father’s home. In such cases, the new girlfriend risks becoming more of a housemaid or nanny, bending over backwards to please the ex, instead of building a healthy relationship with her partner. Interestingly, some new girlfriends are eager to meet the ex-partner. Their reasons vary: they might want to please the mother, assert their own place in the relationship, or figure out if there’s still chemistry between their partner and his ex. These reasons often come from a place of insecurity. Overall, these meetings are often about hiding insecurities. While facing fears might seem like a solution, it rarely solves the deeper issues. Remember: You have the power to decide who you want to meet. There is no rule that says you must meet your partner's ex. If you’re the mother whose ex is dating a new woman and you want to meet her, that’s your choice. But don’t feel obligated because you think there’s a rule—there isn’t one. You don’t have the right to force her into becoming your close friend or “sister-wife” to help raise your children. Depending on your personality, you might try to force the issue. Maybe she’s submissive and will be eager to please you—but maybe not. You won’t know until you try. If you’re a mother who doesn’t care who your ex is dating, you don’t have to arrange a big meetup with his new partner. However, be prepared to meet her in social situations if the dad involves her in child-related events or uses her as a caregiver. If you’re the new girlfriend, you’re under no obligation to meet the mother of his children just because you’re now dating their dad. You’re free to choose your own social circle, and your partner’s ex has no authority to make rules for you simply because they share children. You might want to ask for a meetup out of curiosity to see who your partner was with before you, or because you hope to make a new friend. Maybe you want to show the world you tried to get along, but she’s too jealous or difficult to make it work. Whatever your reason, it should be because you want to meet her, not because you feel you have to. She may refuse to meet you, and that’s her choice. She has no obligation to meet you, and she might even choose to ignore you altogether. While that might not be pleasant, there’s nothing you, your partner, or anyone else can do about it. It all comes down to the personalities involved and how you manage to live your lives without overstepping boundaries or claiming, “Everything is mine, including your life, because we share a man.” It’s better to start this journey slowly and avoid jumping into a big co-parenting arrangement too soon. Some people present themselves as part of a “big happy blended family,” where the ex’s partner becomes their best friend. When there are people who are truly enjoying multiple adult family co-parenting models, it's not for everyone. It's a tempting idea but can be risky, as it often serves as a front for social media, leading to emotional manipulation and fakeness in order to deceive people and cover up real emotions and feelings. (read about the truth behind the trendy co-parenting model) Why do so many people insist that a father should introduce his new partner to the mother of his children (his ex), and what are the recommended ways to respond to this? https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/01/should-i-have-ex-partners-approval-for.html

Am I cut out to be a stepmum? https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/01/am-i-cut-out-to-be-stepmum.html?m=1