Ex-partner (or baby-momma) becomes the most hated name for the woman who is in a relationship with a man with children.
Sometimes it gets so bad that you would like to scream or vomit every time someone mentions that name. Even if the same name actually represents another, totally innocent person or maybe a company.
When we can convince grown-ups to be sympathetic around us and minimise mentioning that triggering name, there are ALWAYS children. And not under any circumstances, it is ok to expect children, not to mention their mum or avoid saying anything about their mum. Expecting this to be the case is so wrong, that I won’t spend any time or space here to explain it in any future.
So, the name will be spoken. Sometimes even with high excitement and love in their voices. And it just cuts you every single time. What can you do to not drive yourself mad? How not to resent your stepchildren and not be angry with your partner - why can he not put a stop to that. Why he can not make it clear to his family that this name shall not be spoken? She is just such a horrible person. Or maybe- it just feels unfair for you to hear that there has been someone else before you.
I would like to point out that it is relatively easier to be OK with those children mentioning their mum in your present. It's easier to understand that children will always love their mother regardless of how horrible that woman is to other people in their family. It's their mother and a large number of emotional memories and experiences are involved with their mum.
I never really had a problem with my partner's son talking about his mum and things they did with her or planning to do.
It's so much harder to avoid being annoyed with grown-ups. It took a good year or (almost) two for me, to get over being annoyed inside my head with my partner's family and friends. Listening to them raving about what an amazing person the mother of his son is and what a wonderful time they all used to have, back then when she still was their friend. (an exceptionally close and friendly co-parenting was called off by mother, on the day she learned that dad has a girlfriend, and was replaced with very strict parallel parenting with: “Do not talk to me! we are strangers to each other now”). When it comes to grown-up social conversion, you can not see the biological need to talk about that woman, who has been nothing else than a headache for the person you love. You can not understand how they can see her as a great person when she is hurting their son/brother/uncle/friend?!?
So hold your horses, that will be a long journey for sure, but you can get there.
It's easy to say- go and find a therapist and learn how to protect yourself from those negative feelings. It's not always possible, and maybe even not always needed. Some people can direct their thinking process and they will be fine without expensive therapy.
And as my therapist told me: there is no one fit for everyone. Everyone must find their own unique set of “tools” that will work for them. It is important to try them all over a minimal 3-month period per “tool”. This means- it's doubtful that you can have a quick fix.
What can you do if hearing the birth mother's name makes you uncomfortable?
There are two main approaches you can try to start with:
Normalising: means explaining the situation and feelings you experience.
Renaming: giving to an uncomfortable situation (or stimulus) another name or another meaning.
Reducing significance. This means I will look into the trigger and will be honest with myself, about how significant this situation really is? Maybe I am the person who gives a huge significance to something that has really no value or should not be my concern. (classical example: getting annoyed that some people are posting too many selfies on social media).
The first and most important step is actually done: you acknowledge that you are allergic to that name. It's not like those children are doing something malicious against you. They are talking about their mother.
If we use the “Normalising” technique here: It's quite a simple concept, Every child has the right to talk about their mother regardless of what company. If you will imagine your own children in the position of your stepchildren. If they must have dad and his new partner- do you really believe your children should not mention your name in dad's house? Do you really believe them talking about what you all did during the time with you is somehow a mean and malicious act against the partner or just a child's natural need to share emotions and experiences? Understanding that there is no intention to hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel secondary is the first thing and sometimes it's all you need. You have little visitors in your house who are sharing their life events with you. The thing that happened at school with their teacher (you are not upset about that) thing that happened at friends' house with their parents present (you are not disrespected by this story) or the thing that happened at grandparents' house (it's not making you less family if they mentioned the dinner nanny cooked for them).
If we would like to use the “Renaming” technique, then we will imagine that those children are not a product of the woman we passionately dislike. We will ask ourselves: “How would I feel or react if a visiting child brings up their mother as a conversation topic?” Would I feel offended that they are mentioning “another woman” in my earshot, in my house?
I used to remind myself. What if my niece (or a friend) is asking me to look after her children for a weekend. Those children will tell me stories about their mum, right? I probably will enjoy learning more about their life. My partner’s children should be my very best friends' children. So I should react to stories about their mum the same way. Those are children I care about and they have family members and relatives they want to talk about.
Reducing the significance technique: Is that topic really important? Does it have an influence over my home life? Does it make me consider any changes in my life? Will something really happen to me or anyone around me if that name is mentioned? Or is it just another story to entertain people here?
Sometimes it is useful to remember: that significance can be positive. Maybe I learned something about that woman I didn't know before? Our days- information is the greatest power. Whenever people mention her, they are giving out information, which means they are giving her power away and I gain power. Just be careful and resent the temptation of getting into competition “Everything you can do, I can do better” and as a result offer information about yourself and your life. I can hear people say: but I don't need that power. It's useless for me, I am not going to war against her. I am better than that. Of course, you are better than that! But remember the rule of any cold war: it's better to have weapons and power and not to use them than not have anything and feel defenceless, right :D
It's much more complicated when it comes to grown-ups and their conversation topics. A great human behaviour scientist and creator of Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne, describes in his work that: Human personality is multi-layered. We are manifesting ourselves and each situation through gained individual thoughts, feelings and behaviours. We all have “phenomenological realities”. For us, a certain woman is the reality of discomfort, a memory of hurt and unfairness, thoughts of distrust, restricted life choices and maybe loss of security.
For our in-laws (or other relatives) she is the reality of biological ties. 50% of her DNA is merged into their DNA when those children were born. DNA is the reality whether you like it or not. She has memories of a grandchild being born, the grandchild taking first steps, having the first Christmas and if there was a marriage between mother and father- there are memories from happy days when nothing hinted what a disaster it would be one day. And those people are forming different thoughts about her as a person because of that.
That said, when we are using the “Normalising” technique here, we have to remember, that those people have a very different reality than we (or maybe our partner as well as us) have about the woman and the situation we are in.
Before we can decide if “Normalising” is a possible approach with in-laws and other relatives from our partner's side, we have to be able to analyse their reality. Has this woman been as horrible towards them as she has been towards me and my partner? If she never acts in an unfriendly or antagonising way towards other family members, we can not expect them to “understand how horrible she is to their son/brother/uncle” and reject her because of her bad behaviour towards your partner. For people, their personal experience carries more weight than whatever evidence and explanation from a 3rd person. Only mums can change their opinion about someone only based on how that person is treating their child. But not always. Having grandchildren is a very powerful counterweight. If she is treating my son badly, because he has a new wife, but loves and cares for my grandchildren then my experience is still positive with her and my feelings are happy because she is caring for my grandchildren.
“Normalising” means that you can accept: that everyone can like or love more than one person. Loving one sister does not mean that you have to not love another one. Loving one mother of your children does not mean that you can not love the same as another mother of your grandchildren. To “prove” you that your in-laws love and respect you they don't have to hate or ignore or hide their positive feelings towards another mother. You are not offended if they are mentioning or talking about the woman their second son has children with? Are you?
Here I found “renaming” the most helpful tool for myself. I “renamed” the mother of my partner's children to the mother of their grandchildren. Them talking about one of the women who is the mother of their grandchildren is not upsetting or not belittling me by any means. My in-laws have two sons. Both have children. I don't feel offended or uncomfortable when they are talking about how a successful businesswoman is the mother of their youngest son's children. But I got all worked up when my in-laws happened to mention: “Did you hear that Sam's mum has a new car?” Whenever I felt unsettled, I trained myself to say the same words in my head using the name of his brother's wife and the same information did not sound annoying or unnecessary or improper to bring up.
It's also loosely overlapping with the “reducing significance” technique. When I was able to rename my partner's ex from “mother of his children” to “mother of their grandchildren” I moved further and found a way to reduce significantly. I asked myself: what if that unpleasant woman they are talking about right now is just another mother of their grandchildren and not my partner's ex? What if the father of her children is one of the sons that never existed- an imaginary or maybe a late son? Would this woman's presence annoy me then? Am I feeling that it's unnecessary to have a relationship with her only because the father of her children is still alive and in this room? Would I feel indifferent if she was a widower of one of their sons? If she is invited to family gatherings because she is the mother of two of their grandchildren not an ex of one of their sons?
I was able to see that the only significance about her was in my head and in my heart. Even worse, she was not as significant to all those people to whom she was related by DNA as she was to me without any relation.
And I discovered another no-significance. She was significant to me because she had sex with my partner before I met that man. The result of the intercourse did not bother me, I was fine with the children and the arrangement around co-parenting. The only thing that caused problems was my opinion that somehow she was a VIP person. Turns out, she IS NOT a VIP. Not for others. She is just one of the relatives, one of the women who contributed to the current number of their grandchildren. Nothing more. They did not care she had sex with this man I am having sex with now. If they don't care, then why on earth do I make a big deal of it? :D She was only significant to me because I kept the past in my head and made it present. There is an exciting resource that explains this dynamic so well. Retrospective jealousy OCD. https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retroactive-jealousy-ocd/
And how to come over it:
https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/how-to-get-over-jealousy-of-an-ex/
https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retroactive-jealousy-cure/
https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retrograde-jealousy-how-i-got-it/
I had to learn how to see different personalities in the same woman. She had a role to play as a co-worker (co-parent) and that was a practical task.
She was a previous sex partner (we all have a past)
She was relative to my in-laws and sometimes happened to be present when a large circle of the family was invited. (Like the other 30 to 50 people in this family).
She was mentioned and discussed when the family was together, (also grandparents, uncles and aunties, siblings and friends were mentioned).
Nothing of this makes her more significant than any other person on earth. I have no reason to give her headspace. I have better people who should have space there.
Read more articles here:
https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/08/family-means-tolerated-not-loved.html
It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.
- Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business-like, as we imagined at the beginning.
- Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
- Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!
- Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
- Should your co-parent talk to your partner? What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
- How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
- Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
- Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
- Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
- When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person.
- Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
- Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
- Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
- How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
- Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
- How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
- Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people.
- What about the grandparents?
- My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them?
- I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation?
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