When Storks are delivering babies : Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.

It's not common knowledge yet that Coercive control is a criminal offence in the UK, Scotland and Wales. Since December 2015.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

It's very important to know that originally this law was applied in intimate relationships. But since then there has been an added clause, stating that Coercive Control is now recognised in post-relationship cases where people are sharing children or finances and applies to co-parenting relationships as well.

Background story:

Easy to see that most emotions-triggering topics in any co-parenting related chat groups are questions about what my co-parent must disclose and how much information they should give us about their whereabouts and often: about their home life after separation.

Common statements are:

If I don't know where my co-parent takes children during their parenting time, I have the right to refuse to hand over children. As the parent, I have the right to know where my children are at any point in time.
As a parent, I can make rules about how long the other parent must date a person before they are allowed to introduce that person to our children.
My co-parent must inform me before they plan to take up any activities, trips or go somewhere. I have the right to know with whom they spend time with during the other parent's parenting time (contact time, visitation time).
As the parent I have a right to refuse to hand over children if I don't like the people the other parent is spending time with.
As the parent, I have the right to demand certain standards in the other parent's house before I hand over children to the other parent for parenting time/contact time/visitations.

All those topics are highly emotional and every time will cause fights about: is it controlling behaviour or not?

Let's have a look at what UK law is saying about it.

Please be mindful: everything here is enforceable in the UK, Scotland and Wales. It doesn't have to apply in any other country.

What is Coercive Control in a co-parenting situation?

I have outlined the following 16 signs that your co-parent is using abusive techniques to try and control you. Those points are collected from The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) homepage, Gov.uk homepage, Wales gov.uk homepage and netdoctor.co.uk homepage. (all links are available at the end of the post) They all are UK-based government guidelines and directly linked to UK criminal law. (Coercive control is a criminal offence in the UK)

If even some of these sound familiar, it could be time to re-evaluate your relationship and consider an exit strategy. (i.e. get a court order and start parallel parenting)

Coercive control checklist:

Closely monitoring your activity

Monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware

Threatening to publish information about you.

Threatening to report you to the police, social services or any other authorities.

Constantly criticising you

Policing your lifestyle

Denying your personal freedom

Forcing you to live by their rules

Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless

Enforcing rules and activities which humiliate, degrade or undermind the victim

Isolating you from friends, family, children.

Parental alienation

Family 'dishonour'

Reputational damage

Making jealous accusations

Regulating your sexual relationship

Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, where they can sleep

Depriving you of access to help

Blackmailing you

Making violent threats

Gaslighting you

Controlling your finances

For the purposes of this offence, behaviour must be engaged in 'repeatedly' or 'continuously'. Another, separate, element of the offence is that it must have a 'serious effect' on someone and one way of proving this is that it causes someone to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against them. There is no specific requirement in the act that the activity should be of the same nature. The prosecution should be able to show that there was intent to control or coerce someone. The phrase 'substantial adverse effect on B's usual day-to-day activities'.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

The Guardian in their article explains that often victims are not aware they are coercively controlled because the behaviour is presented as caring, protective and loving. I.e. What loving parent would not want to know where their children are when they are with dad? It's for my children's wellbeing that I have to meet the new partner before they are allowed to meet the children. It's for safeguarding reasons that I have to know who my children are visiting or where my children are sleeping overnight when they are in the other parent's care. It's a responsible parent's duty to be informed about what kind of diet they have at the other house, how many hours they are spending with screens, and what kind of activities they are doing. Our children have to have phones with tracking devices turned on for safety reasons for our children.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/may/14/what-is-coercive-control-these-are-the-concerning-behaviours

"UK Says No More" is saying in their blog post on 26th of May 2022, that some abusers are using “Child access rights” and “Parental responsibility” to maintain or reinforce contact with the other parent. I.e. I have the right to call and get information about how my children's day has been. I have the right to unlimited communication as a co-parent. I have a right to have a phone call with my children (whatever amount they will request) as often as I want to. I have the right to put tracking devices in their phones and demand that they must carry those phones all the time to maintain free access to my children.

How to find help if you are victim of coercive control from your co-parent and

You live in Wales: https://gov.wales/this-is-control

You live in the UK, Manchester area https://www.domesticabusehelpline.co.uk/our-services/

Do not forget, that those are expectations for good co-parenting. For co-parenting situations that have no safeguarding issues.

If you are reading this and feeling like you want to do some of those things because you legitimately feel that your co-parent is not safe to look after your joint children without your support and input, you must take your concerns to court. The court can rule on how much control each of you can have over another parent and the parenting time.

You might get permission to request some bits of information listed above as controlling behaviour. Each case would be unique and will not be a guideline to other co-parents. If your CAO is saying that your co-parent must let you know their address or their overnight stay or inform you about their whereabouts - it's not the law. It's your unique circumstances and please do not encourage other parents to demand the same “rights''. Your “advice” might backfire, they can be classified as abusers and dealt with criminal offence guidelines.