Why mother of his children demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?

Why does the Ex demand "Family Time" when dad has a new relationship?

Whenever you are dealing with a situation, you should be able to answer the following questions: Why don't I like this behavior? What are the negative impacts if this behavior continues?

If we are bothered by something, then there must be a reason, and it must be a potential harm that we're concerned about.

If we are bothered that my partner's ex is noticeably invested in having “family time,” we should understand the underlying issues. Some exes request that family time happen with new partners involved (when they are in a new relationship themselves), while others request family time only for biological parents and children, with no spouses allowed (these exes are usually single or have a dominant role in their new family, where their new partner has no voice).

If you read carefully, you’ll notice the pattern: the biological mother wants to have special time when she feels equal in the co-parenting dynamic. It is emotionally incredibly difficult for a mother to accept the reality that her attempt at a family with that man failed. He is now happy and has a family, while she has… nothing? Another partner, but it’s not a nuclear family. And then, the worst possible scenario—one that usually shakes even the most confident biological mother to the core—Dad remarries a childless woman and starts a new nuclear family with her, with no extra baggage from her side. That’s a painful mix of emotions: feelings of failure, self-pity, anger, disappointment, lost self-worth, and jealousy.

The first natural instinct is to secure her position as “the most important mother,” “the mother who was here first,” or whatever specific label is needed for her peace of mind.

Another very common and often annoying behavior stems from the same root: undermining (sometimes belittling, sometimes even attacking) his life partner. This comes from a basic instinct to equalize the situation: if I can’t have as much as I want, I’ll take something from others so that I still have more than them. If I’m not 100% in the leading role, I have to make another woman’s position seem less important—at least try to make it look like it’s less important than it could be.

To remedy those hurt feelings and emotional wounds, the biological mother needs visual signs and proof of her superior position. She needs to be seen in the company of the father of her children. Depending on her relationship situation, she may request that Dad turn up on his own (the ultimate leadership status) or with his partner if she’s in a new relationship (her superior status shall apply to both partners).

She needs reassurance that her “siren call” still has power over the father.

Dads with non-conflict personalities often go along with this request because they can see it’s innocent. The biological mother has no chance of getting back together with him; she just wants to feel important. A 60-minute ego boost might help keep her in a positive co-parenting mindset.

Unfortunately, dads overlook serious traps in this approach. In psychology, it's called using a short-term remedy instead of addressing the root cause of the problem.

First, whenever you give in to the biological mother’s requests in hopes of reassuring her, you’re not actually making her feel better about the uncomfortable situation (she won’t feel less divorced). Instead, you’re teaching her to demand proof that “she hasn’t been pushed aside, forgotten, or made unimportant to you,” and each time, the task becomes more significant. Because that’s how life works—if you give a little, next time you’ll be asked for bigger favors. This applies in all aspects of life (work, money, personal favors).

Second, whenever you spend time together as a nuclear family, you make your child hope that Mom and Dad will work things out one day. They are getting along better. If I can get them together more, they’ll see that they’re actually good friends, and then we’ll all live together happily ever after.

Here’s where biological mothers, whether malicious or simply lacking empathy, may turn their children into “flying monkeys.”

This term, used in psychology, describes a person who unknowingly acts as the messenger or emotional influence for someone else. The biological mother might tell her child that if they ask Dad to spend time with just the three of them, “we can all be very happy.” She is making the child believe that Dad wants to be with them but needs encouragement.

When Dad agrees to “just come in for a cuppa” or “let’s go for a walk together, it’s such a nice day,” he may be trying to give his child a nice time. But the child gets confirmation: “Mummy was right, Dad does want to spend time with us, and he clearly loves it!”

It’s incredibly easy to achieve because any child, at any age, dreams of a nuclear family and parents being friends, living in the same house. Give them the faintest hope, and they will cling to it. If Dad disappoints them by NOT MOVING IN WITH MOM after all those friendly walks, ice cream, and fun times at the park, they will direct their anger at Dad: “You failed me! You were nice to Mom and still can’t marry her—it’s your fault!”

You also need to ensure that your partner does not lead you into a situation where he sees himself as part of two relationships—one with you and one with his ex. ( "For sake of children" of course) read about subfamily model here: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2022/10/co-parenting-or-polyaffective-sub-family.html?m=1

More articles about creating family time and excluding the new partner. (the article)