The stigma of unplanned children.

Not all mothers have their child because they want one with that particular man. Not all fathers have their child with a woman they intended to have children with.

The scenarios for how a child comes into the world are endless, and we’re not here to analyse everyone’s individual circumstances. Let’s consider a very impersonal scenario: a child is born to parents where one or both did not want to have a child with the other parent. The first thing these parents often do is try to convince everyone—including themselves—that the child is very much wanted. They might say:
“No, I didn’t plan to get pregnant. No, I don’t want a family with that person. No, I don’t have an 18-year plan. No, I’m not ready to start a family. BUT THIS CHILD IS VERY MUCH WANTED.” And let’s face it: it has to be true. Because you must want that child very, very much if you’re choosing to take on the ultimate challenge of parenthood under these circumstances. You’re choosing to become a parent without knowing what kind of reaction you’ll face from the other parent—will it be anger, resentment, denial, or support? And if any of those, to what extent? How consistent will they be? Will they make promises and then disappear? Will they start with verbal abuse, only for you to then face the additional challenge of co-parenting with someone who caused you months or years of emotional pain? How much conflict will the other parent—and their friends and family—bring into your life? When might that conflict arise? Will it start immediately? Will it be triggered by changes later down the line? And if so, what might those triggers be? Can those triggers be avoided? Will your child have half-siblings? Step-siblings? These are the unknowns you’re choosing to face.

And the ultimate: HOW WILL I SHARE MY CHILD WITH OTHER PEOPLE? How will I feel when my child is spending milestones in another house? When another woman (or man) is holding my child when they’re sad or unwell? When another woman (or man) is there for the happy moments and special firsts? Imagine missing your child’s first snowfall because it happens during the other parent’s time, or your child taking their first steps in another house. What about losing their first tooth while staying with the other parent? You’re stepping into parenthood knowing there’s a 50-50 chance you’ll miss those “firsts” because you simply cannot plan when they’ll happen. The reality is, 99% of parents in this situation try to avoid thinking about or even acknowledging that having a child under these circumstances means they will have to share them. How does it feel, knowing you’ll have to share your child’s birthdays and Christmases with someone you might not want to be in the same room with? Or worse, someone who doesn’t want to be in the same room with you? Every celebration, which should be a happy occasion, will be tinged with anxiety because you’re tied to someone you weren’t meant to be with. Perhaps you can make peace with it—but what if the other parent can’t? Those celebrations might be filled with hateful looks, snarky comments, or simply the dread of expecting them. Even without conflict, there’s the plain discomfort of being in the same room with someone you were once intimate with but who now wants to pretend you don’t exist. The truth is, you can’t predict what will happen. You might not know this person anymore—or perhaps you only know the negative sides of them, the parts that made you decide you didn’t want to be family with them. Yes, they might get encouragement from others to take the matter to court and fight against it all. But the harsh reality is this: most of the time, you’ll end up having to share your child sooner or later. The courts won’t care if you want to breastfeed—you’ll be ordered to provide milk for those times. The courts won’t care if your child cries during the handover—you’ll be reminded that children cry when being dropped off at nursery or school. These days, fathers will fight for parenting time, and they will get it. If they don’t want to be hands-on parents themselves, they’ll fight for that time so they can hand the child over to their partner (stepmother) to do the parenting on their behalf. Very few parents are willing to disappear for good, leaving only child support payments behind and giving you the freedom to build your life. Even in those rare cases, you’ll always live with the fear that the other parent might turn up one day, and your child will run to them when they do. To sum it up: this parent is choosing to live in constant stress and fear of losing their child to the other parent. Even if you have a textbook example of co-parenting, where everything works perfectly, like something out of an Adam Sandler film—everything can change in a moment. The smallest disruption to the routine can turn your life upside down, and in the blink of an eye, your fairytale can become a battleground.

But I know you’ve decided to embark on this journey anyway. That’s why you’re reading this blog right now. Congratulations on your baby!

Read more articles here:

1. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business-like, as we imagined at the beginning.
2. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
3. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
4. Why mother of his child demand "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
5.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
6. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
7.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
8. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
   
9. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
10. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
11. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
12. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
13. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
14. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
15. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
16. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's schools.
17. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
18. What about the grandparents? 
19. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
20. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 
21. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/03/in-ideal-world-ideal-co-parenting-would.html
22. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/03/declaration-of-goodwill-in-your-co.html
23. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/11/when-his-girlfriend-is-ruining-our-co.html
24. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/10/when-other-parent-is-abandoned-our.html