Myths nr 3.
It's better to be friendly and flexible with co-parenting schedules.
Imagine that you get informed that weekend you will go to another home at 11.00
And a couple of days later you hear that actually, it will be later in the evening instead.
And the evening before handover day you hear: “You know what! We have an even better plan, you will go in the morning, (mum/dad) is not sure what time exactly they will arrive, but that is fine, we have no plans anyway. But it's better because you don't have to wait till evening.”
It's frustrating. Plans are changing all the time.
Or when your friends are asking, can you meet them on Wednesday after school and you have to say: “I don't know, I don't know where I will be that day”. So everyone else is making plans for Wednesday and you are left out because your parents are “easygoing and flexible”.
Children will get frustrated. They become snappy and moody because they can not really understand what's wrong. Their behaviour gets challenging. They might develop sleeping problems. They might have difficulties at school because they are in a constant "I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow" stage. Loads of them will develop anxiety or strange fears that don't seem to have anything to do with home and parenting (war, traffic accidents, death, illnesses, mythical creatures attack ).
Parents seem to think that flexibility with parenting times and schedules is the best way, but children are struggling subconsciously.
Children will start looking for a way out of this unstable, constantly-chaining life. They don't have many options to influence what parents are doing but then they think that if they refuse to go to another home, the problem will disappear. From their parents' point of view- out of the blue, their child will say that they would not go to the other parent's house anymore. Parents are getting upset, and losing trust towards each other ("You are manipulating our children!”). Children are finding themselves in the middle of questions and blame; “How can you be so unfair, we love you too! You always had a good time in our home!”
Everyone gets more and more angry with each other. and it's all only because parents prefer to be "friendly and flexible for each other" and overlook the actual impact on their children.
Myth nr 4
It's better to ask children's opinions about when they would like to go to which house, for how long, who is picking them up and what they would like to eat. Parents must ask children about things that involve them to show their opinions matters.
Imagine that you have to choose every time what will be for dinner/
Where are you going for a day trip, where are you going to eat when in town?
What car to buy if there are 2500 suitable ones.
It doesn't make you important. It will stress you out. It might even make you feel used (“Why is it always me who has to decide what to have for dinner?”). But you expect your child to enjoy it?
There is a clear difference between asking for an opinion and showing that their views are heard (that their opinion matters) and letting them make decisions.
To illustrate this difference let's have a look at parent1 and parent2 spoke with their children about the two homes' schedules.
Parent1:
"We have to write up whether you will be there in the next three 6 months. I and mum agreed that it would be a more or less equal amount of days with both of us. (The important is that the parent will not even hint that it could be negotiable). Do you have any days you must be at mum's house after school? Or any days when it will be better for you to stay in ours? So we can take this into account when we are typing up the timeshare between us. "
Positive: The child feels that their opinion and needs matter but the responsibility to make the final decision lies on the parents.
Parent2:
"We have to write up whether you will be there in the next three 6 months. I and mum would like that to be a more or less an equal amount of days with both of us. Would that be OK with you? Would you want to be more with mum or more with me?"
Negative aspect 1: The child is in the middle. They have been asked which one of the two parents they prefer. Whose emotions get hurt as “don't want to be with you as much as the other one".
Negative aspect 2: It's quite common that children might feel that they have to choose the parent who is asking for “more time”. It requires high emotional maturity (or a cruel and cold personality) to say to your face: "Thanks, but no thanks, I don't want to spend more time with you than with my other parent". Most children feel that they have to make their parents happy. They are trying to figure out what might make them happy (and believe me, they can read their parents like an open book). Children will realise very soon that telling each parent that "actually I want to be with you more than the other one", gives the receiving parent a huge emotional boost.
And next day the other parent will ask that question and now the child feels pressure to say that actually, they would like to be with them more. Because now that child is facing their other parent and the feeling is the same: I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying I don't desire more time with you.
Next, both parents are angry with each other blaming each other for lying and manipulating their child.
And the third aspect is a danger to parents themselves. Great power (I can decide with whom I will stay) will always create temptation for misuse. If child(ren) are allowed to make decisions where and how long to reside, they will have ultimate power over parents. The most common example would be a child who is responding to their parents: “What? You don't want to do what I want? Do you want me to tidy up? Take bins out/ stop watching TV? Are you serious? I am not taking it, I will call my other parents and I am off!” And a parent who is trying to establish any house rules or enforce duties over entertainment will be at a loss- the child has permission to walk out and take themselves to another house.
Read more articles here:
It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.
- Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business-like, as we imagined at the beginning.
- Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
- Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!
- Why does the ex demand "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
- Should your co-parent talk to your partner? What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
- How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
- Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
- When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person.
- Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
- Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
- Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
- How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
- Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
- How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
- Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people.
- What about the grandparents?
- My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them?
- I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation?
No comments:
Post a Comment