Teaching critical thinking to children in high conflict co-parenting situation.

Teaching critical thinking to children in high conflict co-parenting situation involves fostering their ability to assess information critically without directly disparaging the other parent. Here’s how you can help:

1. Model Critical Thinking

Ask open-ended questions: Encourage them to think for themselves by asking, "Does that seem believable?" or "Why do you think that might be true or untrue?"

Demonstrate fact-checking: Show them how to evaluate information by comparing it with facts or seeking clarification when things seem unclear. "What makes you believe it’s true?" or "How do you know that's true?"

2. Teach Them to Question Respectfully

Teach children to calmly ask,  or "Can you tell me more about that?" or  "Sometimes, people genuinely believe what they say, even when everyone else believes something different." when they hear something surprising or unsettling.

Role-play scenarios so they learn how to approach sensitive topics without conflict.

Example:  Imagine a two-sided ball (or box) where the left side is red, and the right side is blue. A person sitting on the left will tell you the ball is red, while a person on the right will say it’s blue. Both are telling the truth—their truth. But you can see the ball is half red and half blue, meaning neither of them is fully correct.

This doesn’t make them liars, but it does mean their information isn’t entirely true at the same time.

3. Build Their Emotional Intelligence

Identify emotions: Help them recognize and express their emotions about what they're hearing or feeling.

Validate feelings: Let them know it's okay to feel confused or upset, and provide a safe space to discuss their thoughts.

You can say something like: "Can you think of any reason why some information might be presented in a way that makes it sound bad, even if it isn’t?" 

4. Promote evidence-based thinking

Use real-life examples to demonstrate the importance of evidence in forming opinions. For instance, take a harmless claim and verify its truth together using books, the internet, or other reliable resources. Films and soap operas are excellent sources for examples of manipulation and lies designed to damage someone’s reputation out of bitterness. Highlight what the characters could do to protect themselves from believing these lies. Discuss what they should consider, which facts they should check, and how they could think critically instead of simply believing and reacting.

5. Foster Communication

Encourage your children to come to you with questions or concerns about what they've been told. Create an environment where they feel safe discussing anything.

6. Avoid Counterattacking

Refrain from directly contradicting or criticizing the other parent. Instead, provide clear, honest, and age-appropriate explanations for the situation.

Say things like, "There are different perspectives, and this is what I know to be true."

7. Encourage Independent Thinking

Provide opportunities for your children to make decisions and reflect on their outcomes. This builds confidence in their ability to assess situations independently.

8. Be Honest and Transparent

Share your side of the story calmly and factually when necessary, but always prioritize your children's emotional well-being.

For example, say, "Sometimes people remember things differently. Here's what happened from my perspective."

9. Seek Professional Support

If the situation becomes overwhelming, consider involving a therapist or counselor who specializes in family dynamics and can provide a neutral space for your children to process their feelings.

10. Lead with Integrity

Continue to act in ways that demonstrate your character. Over time, your actions will speak louder than words, helping your children see the truth for themselves.

By nurturing their ability to think critically and supporting them emotionally, you help equip your children with the tools to navigate misinformation and make informed judgments about the world and relationships.

In addition

You can read about how to address misinformation between two homes and how to handle situations where children share untrue stories or lies about their other home here: (the story) 

How to help children with transition between two parents or between two homes.

All children are struggling with transition. (Adults would struggle too if they should do it. It's not age-related, it's situation-related.)

Some children learn to accept their new lifestyle more easily, and some will have a harder time for various reasons. The common misconception is that children have a hard time with the transition because the other home has “fewer rules” or “only fun and games, no rules” or “more money and better toys”. The truth is: How the other house is operating or what they experience in the other parent's home has no input here and has absolutely zero effect in this matter. We would love to believe that, but it's simply not true.

Every transition is a reminder for a child that their family is cut in half and they have now separated parents. It's a reminder of their "wound" or as books are saying: "reminder of their loss". 

How to help your child?

1- Accept that this is a natural thing to feel.  It's not a sign of "something is wrong with my child" (well... Something is wrong: her parents can not live together) 

2- Please, do not plan exciting things for the arrival time. We would like to “Wow” our child when they arrive. Sometimes, already during the handover process, we overwhelm our children with information about how much fun stuff we planned for them for the time with us. A child, who is trying to manage their emotions about leaving the other parent and trying to put on a brave face for their parent, can not process the information load and is prone to lash out (“I don't care, leave me alone, I don't want to do it, it's lame, it's boring”)

Sometimes parents might feel like they can distract children from being sad by doing loads of exciting things immediately. The reality is that it will only postpone the reaction. For a day or two it seemed like our child was fine with the transition and when the fun was over and we were using rules our child was showing a bad attitude towards us. The illusion happens because after the initial distraction (fun activities) child has now finally the opportunity to process their sadness that was pushed to the background. Their sad feelings were only hidden (distracted) and not dealt with and now they are back. 

To avoid hiding the feelings, to avoid being hit with bad behaviour at any point during your parenting time and not to make healing time longer, a parent should allow their child to have time to process their feeling straight away. For the handover day, give a lot of downtime: TV, cuddling on the couch, walking in the Zoo/park/lakeside or somewhere your child would feel relaxed and not overstimulated (you might say: let them be lazy).

3 - Avoid planning handovers for the middle of the day. For children, the easiest are earlier morning ones. Evenings can be good for children who do not have a tendency to cry when its the bedtime. Midday handover is hardest as then children have "cut in half" feeling more acute. Unfortunately, midday handovers tend to be the parents' choice as the parent feels they have more time to prepare for the handover and "they feel less rushed". 

4- If possible avoid handovers from parent to parent. Instead, arrange a transition from/to school or via grandparents or from a friend's house. Then your child does not have to live through the "leaving one parent behind" feeling with every transition.

5- It's very tempting and feels very convenient to stop for a chat and pass information to the other parent during the handover. However, for children, it would be easier if parents could avoid chatting/having discussions about whatever topic during the handover. Loads of aspects are against it anyway: Verbal agreements are easy to forget and misunderstand and tend to be confusing as parents are distracted by background noises and surroundings. From a child's point of view- it's emotionally difficult and confusing. Seeing their parents getting along and being friendly makes children feel that it's "unfair". Children do wonder alongside those lines: "If they can be friends, why can they not give me a family? Why do they have to make me suffer if they do not hate each other?" It does not give children a good feeling seeing their parents getting along. It's more like an insult to injury. Confusing and mixed messages at the very least. When many children learn to accept that “unfairness'' your child might be the one who can not cope with this cognitive dissonance. They are not able to verbalise this to you, instead they get moody or tearful or will act out, be rude and (in very bizarre way) look for revenge:"You are making my heart hurt because you are making me think how nice could be having parents together, now I will be horrible to you and hurt your feelings back."