Why Does the Ex Demand “Family Time” When the Other Parent Has a New Partner?

Why Does the Ex Demand “Family Time” When the Other Parent Has a New Partner?

The arrival of a new partner in a co-parenting relationship often triggers emotional and behavioral shifts, particularly in requests for “family time” that excludes the new partner, justified as being “for the children’s sake.”

A common assumption is that it’s usually the mother who demands this kind of arrangement. However, in reality, a significant number of fathers exhibit this behavior as well. Many dads who were previously disengaged in co-parenting suddenly feel the urge to “step up” when a new partner enters the picture. The introduction of a new person into their children’s lives can trigger a competitive instinct or fear of losing influence, leading to demands for exclusive “family time.”

Whether it’s a mother or father making these demands, the underlying motivations are often similar:

Fear of Losing Importance: The ex may feel threatened by the presence of a new partner, worrying that their role in the family will be diminished. 

Control Over the Narrative: By excluding the new partner, they can preserve the illusion of the original family unit and avoid confronting the reality of change.

Jealousy or Competition: The ex may view the new partner as a rival, either for the children’s affection or influence in the co-parenting relationship.

Why some parents agree to exclude their partner? 

Various factors may lead a parent to agree to exclude their partner and create “family time” solely for their children and ex. The reasons for such decisions often stem from emotional pressures or societal expectations.

One common assumption is that the parent gives in to avoid conflict. They may be perceived as passive, allowing the other parent to take the lead, or as agreeing “just for peace.” However, many parents are driven by a deeper reason often referred to as “guilty parent syndrome.”

Parents experiencing guilt over the absence of a traditional family structure may feel a strong urge to recreate moments of togetherness for their children. They may believe that offering glimpses of a “normal” family dynamic can compensate for the separation or divorce, even if it means sidelining their current partner.

In addition to personal guilt, modern culture often promotes co-parenting ideals that inadvertently encourage this behavior. Messages such as “we’re still a family, just living in two homes” or the focus on “making precious memories” frequently circulate on social and popular media. While these concepts may sound appealing, they can create unrealistic expectations and pressure parents to maintain an illusion of togetherness that no longer reflects their reality.

The risks of agreeing to exclusion

Parents who agree to these demands, whether for convenience or to avoid conflict, may not realize the long-term consequences:

1. Perpetuating an Unequal Dynamic

Allowing the ex to control family interactions reinforces their dominance in the co-parenting relationship. The new partner remains sidelined, unable to take on a meaningful role in the family.

2. Undermining the New Relationship

By prioritizing the ex’s demands, the parent risks alienating their new partner, who may feel undervalued and excluded. This dynamic can strain the new relationship and create resentment.

3. Creating False Hope for the Children

When children witness their biological parents spending time together without the new partner, it can lead to unrealistic hopes of reconciliation. They may interpret the exclusion of the new partner as a sign that the relationship isn’t significant:

“The new partner isn’t included in the fun times, so they can’t be that important to my mom/dad. Surely my parents are more important to each other than this new person is.”

This belief can cause confusion and emotional turmoil when those hopes are inevitably shattered. In some cases, children may even accuse their parents of dishonesty, feeling misled about the reality of the family dynamic.

How to respond to requests for exclusive family time? 

Understanding the emotional motivations behind these demands is essential for addressing them effectively.

1. Maintaining the Status Quo

By excluding the new partner, the ex can preserve a sense of familiarity and control. Keeping family time confined to the original parent-child unit allows them to avoid confronting the changes brought by the new relationship.

2. Providing Reassurance

For some, insisting on family time serves as a way to seek validation. Spending time with the other parent and children in the absence of the new partner can create the illusion that their bond is still intact, even if the romantic relationship has ended.

3. Fear of Losing Their Role

The introduction of a new partner can feel like a threat to the ex’s role in the family dynamic. They may worry that their influence over the children—or their connection to the other parent—will diminish if the new partner becomes more involved. Demanding exclusive family time can be an attempt to assert dominance and prevent the new partner from becoming fully integrated.

4. Projecting False Hope

In some cases, the ex may struggle to accept the finality of the separation and view family time as an opportunity to keep the family feeling intact. They may believe that while the romantic relationship has ended and two separate households have been established, the underlying codependency should remain unchanged.

Such individuals often expect emotional, financial, and practical support from the other parent to continue as before, unaffected by the new circumstances. When a new romantic partner enters the picture, their role may be expected to remain confined strictly to personal matters, with no involvement in co-parenting or family decisions. This mindset can lead to unrealistic expectations and tension, particularly for the children, who may cling to false hope of reconciliation.

The impact on the new partner

For the new partner, being excluded from “family time” can feel isolating, belittling, and demoralizing. Despite being a significant part of the parent’s life—and potentially building a bond with the children—they’re kept on the outside. This exclusion reinforces their position as an outsider and hinders the development of a healthy, blended family dynamic.

These influences, whether internal or external, can lead to decisions that undermine the new family dynamic and create long-term challenges for all involved. It’s essential for parents to recognize these pressures and consider the potential consequences before agreeing to exclusion.

When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person.

 It's so hurtful for us, as caring and loving parents, to see the other parent saying things that make our child forgive them, despite the fact they are a bad person. We really want our children to open their eyes and see that the other parent doesn't care and doesn't love them as much as we do. They don't do as much for them as we do!

You can read about how children might carry our hurt inside of themselves from this chapter: when-the other-parent-is-abandoned-our child 

It feels so unfair that my child cannot see this. In our personal need for fairness, we forget that children are not looking for fairness. They want to know: am I good enough to be loved? Am I worthy of being loved? If we take away their belief that their dad loves them more than anything (even if he doesn’t always show it), we take away our child's self-worth. This is where therapists often say: love your child more than you hate your ex. Make your child believe that they are amazing and loved by both parents, even if you find it hard to believe yourself. Just as we made them believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Elf on the Shelf. The benefit is that when they are older (perhaps not until adulthood), they will see who genuinely cared and who took the easy path. They will grow up knowing they are good enough to be loved, and if someone chooses not to love them, it’s that person’s loss, not their fault. In a different scenario, a child who believes that the other parent doesn’t love them enough, properly, or at all, will spend their life trying to earn that love from that other parent. They develop a self-image of not being worthy of love. If their own parent does not love them, they think something must be wrong with them. No matter how often you try to convince them that they're fine and the other parent is the problem, it won’t help. To that child, it means that half of them is made of a bad person, and thus, they are a bad person too. Unfortunately, this is how a young mind works. Similarly, just as children often blame themselves subconsciously or in secret for their parents' separation, they will also blame themselves for not being good enough to be loved by that parent. They will try to earn that love and will always feel bad about themselves. Such children often end up in abusive relationships because they feel they have to earn love, work to be worthy of love, and won’t expect to be loved for who they are.

Read more articles here:

1. How dare he/she abandon our children!
   

2. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.

3. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.
4. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
5. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
6. Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
7.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
8. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
9.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
10. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
    
11. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
12. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
13. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
14. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
15. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
16. Communication Examples 3 - When the other parent sends upsetting messages.
17. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
18. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
19. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
20. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
21. What about the grandparents? 
22. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
23. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

Co-parenting myths. Myths 3 and 4

 Myths nr 3.

It's better to be friendly and flexible with co-parenting schedules.

Imagine that you get informed that weekend you will go to another home at 11.00

And a couple of days later you hear that actually, it will be later in the evening instead.

And the evening before handover day you hear: “You know what! We have an even better plan, you will go in the morning, (mum/dad) is not sure what time exactly they will arrive, but that is fine, we have no plans anyway. But it's better because you don't have to wait till evening.”

It's frustrating. Plans are changing all the time.

Or when your friends are asking, can you meet them on Wednesday after school and you have to say: “I don't know, I don't know where I will be that day”. So everyone else is making plans for Wednesday and you are left out because your parents are “easygoing and flexible”.

Children will get frustrated. They become snappy and moody because they can not really understand what's wrong. Their behaviour gets challenging. They might develop sleeping problems. They might have difficulties at school because they are in a constant "I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow" stage. Loads of them will develop anxiety or strange fears that don't seem to have anything to do with home and parenting (war, traffic accidents, death, illnesses, mythical creatures attack ).

Parents seem to think that flexibility with parenting times and schedules is the best way, but children are struggling subconsciously. 

Children will start looking for a way out of this unstable, constantly-chaining life. They don't have many options to influence what parents are doing but then they think that if they refuse to go to another home, the problem will disappear. From their parents' point of view- out of the blue, their child will say that they would not go to the other parent's house anymore. Parents are getting upset, and losing trust towards each other ("You are manipulating our children!”). Children are finding themselves in the middle of questions and blame; “How can you be so unfair, we love you too! You always had a good time in our home!”

Everyone gets more and more angry with each other. and it's all only because parents prefer to be "friendly and flexible for each other" and overlook the actual impact on their children.

Myth nr 4 

It's better to ask children's opinions about when they would like to go to which house, for how long, who is picking them up and what they would like to eat.  Parents must ask children about things that involve them to show their opinions matters. 

Imagine that you have to choose every time what will be for dinner/

Where are you going for a day trip, where are you going to eat when in town? 

What car to buy if there are 2500 suitable ones. 

It doesn't make you important. It will stress you out. It might even make you feel used (“Why is it always me who has to decide what to have for dinner?”). But you expect your child to enjoy it? 

There is a clear difference between asking for an opinion and showing that their views are heard (that their opinion matters) and letting them make decisions. 

To illustrate this difference let's have a look at parent1 and parent2 spoke with their children about the two homes' schedules.

Parent1:

"We have to write up whether you will be there in the next three 6 months. I and mum agreed that it would be a more or less equal amount of days with both of us. (The important is that the parent will not even hint that it could be negotiable). Do you have any days you must be at mum's house after school? Or any days when it will be better for you to stay in ours? So we can take this into account when we are typing up the timeshare between us. "

Positive: The child feels that their opinion and needs matter but the responsibility to make the final decision lies on the parents. 

Parent2:

"We have to write up whether you will be there in the next three 6 months. I and mum would like that to be a more or less an equal amount of days with both of us. Would that be OK with you? Would you want to be more with mum or more with me?"

Negative aspect 1: The child is in the middle. They have been asked which one of the two parents they prefer. Whose emotions get hurt as “don't want to be with you as much as the other one".

Negative aspect 2: It's quite common that children might feel that they have to choose the parent who is asking for “more time”. It requires high emotional maturity (or a cruel and cold personality) to say to your face: "Thanks, but no thanks, I don't want to spend more time with you than with my other parent". Most children feel that they have to make their parents happy. They are trying to figure out what might make them happy (and believe me, they can read their parents like an open book). Children will realise very soon that telling each parent that "actually I want to be with you more than the other one", gives the receiving parent a huge emotional boost.

And next day the other parent will ask that question and now the child feels pressure to say that actually, they would like to be with them more. Because now that child is facing their other parent and the feeling is the same: I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying I don't desire more time with you.  

Next, both parents are angry with each other blaming each other for lying and manipulating their child. 

And the third aspect is a danger to parents themselves. Great power (I can decide with whom I will stay) will always create temptation for misuse. If child(ren) are allowed to make decisions where and how long to reside, they will have ultimate power over parents. The most common example would be a child who is responding to their parents: “What? You don't want to do what I want? Do you want me to tidy up? Take bins out/ stop watching TV? Are you serious? I am not taking it, I will call my other parents and I am off!” And a parent who is trying to establish any house rules or enforce duties over entertainment will be at a loss- the child has permission to walk out and take themselves to another house.

Read about myths nr1 and 2 are here  and myths nr. 5 here

Read more articles here:

1. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.

2. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business-like, as we imagined at the beginning.
3. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
4. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
5. Why does the ex demand "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
6.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
7. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
8.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
9. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
10. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
11. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
12. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
13. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
14. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
15. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
16. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
17. What about the grandparents? 
18. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
19. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

Low conflict phone calls with babies and toddlers

 Young children and your anxious co-parent.

Younger children have no interest in phone calls and video chats. For them it's a) pointless, they are not interested and would like to go and play instead or b) upsetting because they can see the other parent but can not touch or hug nor can go to them. 

Whatever their reaction type is, it's unsettling and difficult for them. The good news is, they will get used to it.

Children who used to have called as

babies with grandparents or other family and friends of their parents, who used to sit on parents' lap when the parent has a call with their loved ones, can adapt much quicker and learn to interact with screens. Parents with those children are very vocal in chat groups encouraging mums “to fight for her right for loads of calls because my children love it” and unfortunately causing loads of pain to parents and young children who are not trained to have those calls from their very young age. 

Children need to learn to have those calls. And they need to have them in a positive environment. ie: mum is talking to her friends and family and involves her little one, encouraging her LO to smile, wave or pay attention to people. When the little one does it, mum gives loads of signs of positive emotions. Mum is happy and gives praise to her little one. She gives positive signs verbally (encouraging words) as well as non-verbal; i.e. smiles, the happy tone in her voice, spontaneous cuddles and touch, her body muscles are relaxed and the child who is sitting on her lap can feel mum's body reactions as non-verbal information.

When a parent is forced to facilitate calls and videos between their child and the other parent she/he doesn't do any of those positive things. If the duty-parent is choosing to stay on the call with the child or the child is too young to be able to understand how to have this call by themselves, this time the parent is present doesn't give out any encouragement or positive feedback. They might believe that they do, because they are saying “the right words” but young children are not listening to our words, they are listening to our tone and reading our body language as the first source of information (we all know how you can say to a young child: “you are such an idiot! I'll get you!” in the sweetest tone and smile and hug and your child is so-so very happy, smiley, laughing and cuddling you as a response). In a forced call, situation parent doesn't give out positive signs.

Their face and body muscles are tense, their voice is "unusual", their breathing changes, they're avoiding looking at the screen, avoiding or have not anything to say that is cute and funny and friendly. Maybe the other parent is also displaying similar non-verbal signs because they too are aware of how stressful those calls are. They may also be anticipating a subsequent conversation with the other parent where they will be accused and/or blamed for the child's reluctance to engage with the call. Your child is picking up what you don't want this call to happen, you don't want to see the other parent or be in their sight, that you are uncomfortable or anxious or angry during the call. So your child will develop fear and anxiety around those calls. This leads to the child not wanting to engage with the other parent. The other parent is blaming you for making the child upset. You fight back and try to explain how you are doing “all that you can '' and it must be just the fact that your child doesn't love the other parent enough or doesn't miss the other parent or just it's something the other parent is doing wrong. Parents are angrier with each other, their child is more anxious as a result and it's all spiraling worse and worse. 

Now, your co-parent is insisting on calls and video chats with your very young child. They are worried that their child is “forgetting them”  as well as they are suffering separation anxiety. Unfortunately, some parents can be even driven by pure jealousy and would like to see that their child is upset and crying and wants to be with them. Seeing their baby crying for them is the reassurance they need for their own emotional well-being. We are all just people and not perfect.

You can not stop those calls to safeguard your child. The other parent will not accept that, so you need to choose how to minimise the impact and do some damage control afterwards.

To start with, choose the time for contact first half of the day. Not as the first thing in the morning, the child is too sleepy and not capable of concentrating on the screen.

Absolutely not before bedtime, because then you have no time to distract your child from hurt about the other parent not being present and your child will experience an unsettled night/sleep.

Make sure that your child is not doing anything interesting just before the call. If they have to drop an exciting activity for a call, they will itch to return to the activity and not happy that they have to talk instead.

Equally do not promise that you are going to do something extra fun when the call is over, your child is likely to ask during the call if is it already time to do that fun stuff and as the result, your co-parent gets hurt (rightfully) and upset with you (rightfully) and maybe even upset with your child saying that (remember-we are dealing with a not mature, emotionally weak person).

Then think about your relationship with your co-parent. If it is not amicable, if their presence, their face, their voice is making you uncomfortable or if you feel that you are “forced to have those calls” and if you believe that this call will go bad anyway- then you are going to give negative feedback. Voluntary or non-voluntary (body language) and sometimes unconsciously (later commenting to your friends or family what a disaster the call was) or overcompensating. examples of common mistakes with overcompensating: tell your child before a call: “it will be fine, nothing to be afraid of”, “It will be fine, you don't have to talk long”, “It will be fine, dad can not hurt you over the phone”, “It will be fine, mummy is here, if you are uncomfortable, I will cancel the call”. Mum has the best intention in her mind- offering reassurance, but children's minds are working differently than adults. A child is taking from it, and that mum believes all those options can happen. Why else did she bring it up? And instead of helping your child to relax and be excited about the call the parent prepared a background of fear of possible abuse happening during the call. 

Recommendations for low-conflict or non-conflict solutions.

If you are a person with strong self-control and high-stress tolerance- Fake it until you make it. Tell your child what day he/she will have a call with the other parent. Prepare something fun to surprise the other parent during the call. You can draw pictures to show and talk about, and you can make something. You can learn a song/rimes/dance/trick to show. Or if you have no time, find a funny hat to wear or a costume or make a face painting. Something that would direct the other parent to start a conversation by complimenting your child or least ask questions about so your child has something exiting to tell them. It's a very good life lesson how to prepare and use conversation starters in any social situation. Remind your child that you will tell the other parent that those things are prepared for them to make them happy.

All this prepares your child in a positive way. Your child gets a feeling that the parent present is equally happy that a call will happen and wants that call to go well. And also gives your anxious co-parent a sign that their call will not cause an emotional attack or blame from you.

If you are a strong person and have very good self-control, start the call with your child. Say something very jolly to your co-parent to start with. Something not child related. i.e.: “Good afternoon, nice to see you! My mum asked to say “Hi” and so did (insert a name)” 

The aim is to show your anxious co-parent that you are not upset, she/he will not get angry texts from you after the call and the rest of the family is positive about them too. The more you can reassure your anxious co-parent that they are not forgotten, the more likely your child will have a positive experience with that call. Remember; the main fear those anxious, high-conflict co-parents have is that they are forgotten, they are insignificant, they have been brushed aside. Maybe they are (and often they are) but you don't have to rub this into their face. No need to add insult to injury. Let them believe that they are still part of your family circle in some new unique way. If we can let our children believe in Santa and in the Tooth Fairy and Elf on the Shelf, we can let their other parents believe that they have “a special place” in your after-separation life. Once again: remember, that you are not dealing with a sensible person you can reason with. You are dealing with an emotionally fragile and maybe even troubled person. Give them an illusion and they will give you less trouble.

Another side of the coin is where mothers insist that dad must have calls with their child between his parenting time (or contact time, depending on co-parenting agreement) or calls are ordered by the court. Common complaints are that “dad isn't bothered”, “can not engage their young child'', and “our child is clearly not interested to be engaged with the call”. In psychology, it is called “The blame game”. Both are blaming the other one for not doing enough or not being good enough. With the blame game, no one wins and no solution can be found, only dissatisfaction and anger towards each other gets higher and higher. If this is your case then remember: children do not care. Having a phone call with a person away is not natural for them. “But with everyone else my baby is interacting so nicely, smiles and talks and gets engaged” cries mum! “It must be dad's fault it's only with him, my baby doesn't want to talk to DAD only. She must somehow know what a bad person that man is!” And yes, that mum is right. Her baby “knows” because that baby is reading mum's body language and her nonverbal cues. Babies can read that mum isn't excited and happy to see that person, so won't be her child.

(to be continued)

Read more articles here:

1. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.

2. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.
3. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
4. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
5. Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
6.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
7. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
8.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
9. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
   
10. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
11. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
12. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
13. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
14. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
15. Communication Examples 3 - When the other parent sends upsetting messages.
16. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
17. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
18. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
19. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
20. What about the grandparents? 
21. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
22. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

Communication Examples 2 - How Often Should a Parent Call When the Children Are with the Other Parent?

I recently came across an article on thedivorcecentre.com.au discussing the challenges of co-parenting when one parent constantly demands information about what’s happening in the other household. There are incessant text requests: “Are they awake? What time did they go to bed? Have they had breakfast? What are you planning to do today? Send me pictures. Has little Sam got sun cream on?” They make intrusive phone calls or FaceTime every morning and evening—or worse, insist on reading a bedtime story, singing a lullaby, or performing the entire bedtime routine, all supposedly “for the children’s sake, of course.”

They fail to recognise how unsettling and often distressing this constant interference can be for the children, who feel upset not because they are in the other parent’s house, but because of these daily interruptions. Yet, they counter with, “What kind of loving parent doesn’t want to know what their children are doing while they’re away?”

thedivorcecentre.com.au  "Stop contacting me, it’s my custody time!"

Remember, you understand how destructive this behaviour is, but the person acting this way does not. And most likely, they do not want to know. Not every parent can overcome their own needs to prioritise their children's needs. If your co-parent were mentally healthy, you would not have this problem in the first place and would not have any serious issues (just minor disagreements because you are different people who are not suited for each other). Most people facing this problem have several other issues with their co-parent as well. You are dealing with an emotionally broken person. You cannot fix that person (exhibit 1 for why you cannot be together), and you cannot change how they behave (exhibit 2 for why you cannot be together). Any attempt to "educate" your co-parent would only exacerbate the conflict.

If you have a child from a no-relationship situation (as is the case in our co-parenting situation), then you have no opportunity to learn who the person is with whom you have to start co-parenting.

If your children are from a relationship (marriage), then clearly that person has changed so much that you are no longer capable of co-working.

Is there a non-conflict solution?

You have a couple of options. The first and probably easiest is what was recommended in that article: it is really important to set boundaries with compassion. The aim is not to increase your ex’s stress, because if they become more anxious, unsettled, angry, or confrontational, their emotional health will deteriorate, and as a result, both you and your children will suffer.

In many ways, we need to stop viewing them as fully functioning, equal adults. We must learn to see them as dysfunctional, perhaps even emotionally disabled people, and adjust our expectations accordingly. You wouldn’t expect a disabled person to behave rationally, and you wouldn’t punish or take them to court. It would be pointless, as neither of these actions would change that person. Instead, you set achievable expectations.

Explain your expectations, boundaries, and immediate consequences calmly, clearly, and simply in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation, and remain consistent. Do not think, "My co-parent did not cause trouble last week, let’s not be so strict now, surely they have learned their lesson!" They only stopped because of your clear boundaries. If you remove those boundaries, the previous problems will return.

So how do you do that?

If you receive a text from your ex saying “How are the kids?” you should reply ONCE and ONCE ONLY. Reply with, “The kids are fine, I will get them to FaceTime you at 11 am tomorrow. ” If your ex tries to call or text you further, do not respond. You have given them reassurance that the kids are fine and that they will get to talk to them later to hear about their day. This sets boundaries, indicating that it is your parenting time, in a polite, courteous way. Do this each day: reply ONLY ONCE, confirming the kids are OK and that they will call them later.

The result will be that your ex will refrain from continuously texting or calling as they know you will only respond once with confirmation that the kids are OK and will provide an opportunity for them to talk to the kids later.

By setting and maintaining these clear boundaries, you create a stable and predictable environment for your children. This stability is crucial for their emotional well-being, as it helps them feel secure knowing that both parents can manage their own emotions and interactions responsibly. It also reduces the tension and conflict that can arise from constant, unnecessary communication, making the co-parenting relationship more manageable and less stressful for everyone involved.

If your co-parent is one of those people whose separation anxiety is stronger than their common sense, then you need a very calm and collected approach. 

First: Know your children. How old are they? What is their personality type?  How emotional are they? Are they easily distracted? 

Second: Know your co-parent (Yes, they are nut-job, but let's see what they are doing) Focus on actions, not motivations. How do they usually present their separation anxiety?  Are they requesting information too often? Are they requesting information that you feel they should not have reason to ask for?

Are they more interested in having access to children (asking to give the phone to children) or they are aiming to get information from you? 

If they have conversations with children, how does that affect children's mood? Are they sad/unsettled that day after the call?

1. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.

If your co-parent is more interested in holding on to conversation with you. Trying to get you into constant "information sharing" you can use the example above.
If they are insisting on having calls with your children, then please read the next chapters, where I am trying to give ideas how to solve this in minimal conflict. Chapters are based on children's ages: 1-Babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  2- Young children before they have their own phones  3-Children with their own phones.

Read more articles here:

1. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.
2. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
3. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
4. Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
5.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
6. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
7.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
8. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
9. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
10. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
11. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
12. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
13. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
14. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
15. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
16. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
17. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
18. What about the grandparents? 
19. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
20. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans

Communication is the absolute most important part of co-parenting. We can hear that all the time wherever co-patenting is discussed. Because of this, loads of people got the impression that communication must be frequent and you have to communicate with the other parent a lot to have “a good co-parenting relationship.

It's ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY to talk all the time, share information frequently and go back and forward about parenting “talking about children”

It's ABSOLUTELY NOT about how often you communicate, it's all about HOW YOU COMMUNICATE. 

If all the adults involved enjoy those meetings and conversations- of course, please do. You found a way to communicate and everyone is enjoying the method.

Unfortunately, not all separated parents are able to enjoy frequent meetings and discussions. Then you should not force yourself to do so only because “an article about good parenting said we have to communicate.”

You have to remember, it's all about - how we communicate. 

Communication examples - coordinating plans:

“I don't want to report to my co-parent about my plans” 

“It makes me so angry that co-parent has control over my life”

“It feels like I have to get their permission for anything I would like to do with my child”

It is emotionally very difficult for one-half of the population to coordinate and make agreements and schedules because everything feels like control. Here a simple google calendar will be a saviour. 

As you already have an email account set up for communications you can add a shared google calendar to it.

There are a number of different ways for a layout to be set it up. People will prefer different layouts.

Some people are better at setting those things up and can create their own.

For people who are not so computer literate, I am happy to share our template.

Ours was like this: 

You can see each hour where the child will be. Colour coordinated for mum, dad and school(nursery) and hobbies(after-school clubs). It will calculate automatically how many hours each parent does in months. Easy to track, no arguments needed who does how much.

School holidays marked. 

Planned holidays with each patent marked. 

You can add comments that will show a red/orange triangle in the corner.

We have an agreement that all proposals (things planned or hoping to plan) will go to the calendar. That means we are happy to work on a first come- first serve basis.

Mum is very keen on planning everything up to two years ahead. She can get all her plans on the calendar and does not have to have this frustration about: “I did tell you we are going on holiday on those dates, why didn't you remember?” because dad can not forget anymore, it's there- in the calendar.

Dad is the last-minute planner who likes to call himself “spontaneous”. He doesn't have any frustration about it. I got an amazing idea but I can not buy tickets/book anything, because I have to check with mum. Didn't I forget something that was already planned for that week/day. Why can’t she reply to my information request asap?  Now, dad is opening his phone, has a look at the calendar and has all those answers immediately. 

When one parent is going on holiday with their child, another parent wants information about where they are going and details. 

For some people it's extremely difficult to provide because it is allowing the other parent to parent you, you feel controlled. (it's traditionally a child-parent dynamic where the child is obliged to provide information to the parent about where they are and for how long and when they will be back home).

Typing this information into a google calendar, instead of sending it to the other parent can be huge emotional relief.  You are not reporting to the other parent. You are typing up a reminder for yourself, for your calendar. And now it's the other parent’s duty to collect information that is made available. 

Seems like the same thing? One parent writes information up and another parent is reading it. But the fact that you are not sending information to the other parent, now it is up to them to collect information. You are simply recording it in a neutral location ( a google calendar) and the other parent, who wants information, has to go and get it from the place you left it. I can make an enormous difference emotionally.

As we are in a High Conflict co-parenting situation, we can not be flexible. The schedule is confirmed for 6 months ahead. Any proposal (would like to take holiday, attend family functions or anything that needs childcare or usual rolling rota adjustments) has to go to the calendar before it's agreed (6 months ahead) and then it's kinda like calling dibs on certain dates. Anything shorter notice has to get agreed upon by the co-parent before adjustments in the calendar can be made. Nothing is agreed upon before it's in the calendar and the update is sent to the co-parent and the co-parent acknowledged it with “OK” or whatever comment is available at that point (HC situation).

Revising every December, May and August for proposals that came in later and making adjustments if an agreement is achieved. 

This type of calendar will equally handy when things are not so tense and HC and things are changing with shorter notice time. Then it's more likely to miss something in loads of messages in style: “Hi, can you swap this for me” and “Hi kids would like to go to XYZ next Wednesday, don't forget that”. When loads of messages at random times of the day are going in and out between all the adults involved. 

Read how to handle the situation when the Other Parent sends upsetting messages. 

Read more articles here:   https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/

Why are my Stepchildren telling lies about our home?

It's very emotional to discover that your partner’s children have been telling their mother or other people from mom's side lies about their time with you.  Even the ones who are always having a great time in your house and showing/telling you how much they love your company. Why on earth would they do so?

Stepmum1

“I was horrified and so confused when I found out that my 5 yo stepdaughter is telling her mum all sorts of lies about her time with us. That we don't play with her, never do anything fun when she is with us. That we don't give her anything nice to eat, never snacks or treats she would like to get. That I am mean to her and so is dad. It's all a lie: She is having lots of fun, she is telling us how much fun she has and how much she loves time with us. She is sad when she has to leave. She loves my cooking. Always asks for second help and of course she gets it. And we are shopping together, so she can choose all the snacks and treats by herself. When in our house, she is such a sweet loving girl. Why does she lie about it? I am at a loss”

Stepmum2

“When their dad and I moved in, at first it seemed like we bonded with his children really well. We had loads of fun and they were such great kids. Over the time our dynamic has been changing. They begin making up horrible lies about our home and me. Their mum must direct them to do so. When we are confronting them they are denying it all.  No punishment seems to work, they are lying more and more. And if we keep punishing them then we end up being the mean ones like they are trying to make us look like. They are also acting out now, disrespecting us and our house rules and their behaviour just getting worse and worse. It must be the BM, because she always hated the fact that dad moved on and she is trying to poison children against us.”

There are loads of different ways how loyalty conflict has been described: generally it could be summarised like this: 

Children naturally have strong loyalties toward their biological parents. As they build a relationship with a stepparent, they may experience guilt and confusion because they worry about the impact on their non-residential biological parent. When stepchildren struggle with conflicting emotions, they will remain loyal to their biological parent, shutting out their stepparent and any emotional ties to him/her. (more to read here) 

Majority of times, the loyalty conflict is created by that parent who is receiving those lies.

They can see how their parents get upset when they are having a good time in the other house. How upset their mum is if they are saying anything positive about their step-mum (or dads GF/partners. Whatever the official label happens to be).  At the same time they can see how pleased their parents are when they say anything critical about the people in the other household. 

In severe cases they don't have to read between the lines. The High Conflict, angry parents will interrogate them over each phone call and from the minute they step in that parents house/car. They learn very directly and probably the hard way that the angry parent will not accept anything less than some bad stories about them. If children don't have enough bad things to say, their parents will emotionally abuse them. 

Direct abuse:

The parent will blame them for preferring the other parent over them.

The parent will blame them for keeping secret and being coached by the other parent to not give them “the truth”.

The parent takes away toys or destroys/bins sweets/toys/clothes/photos that the other parent packed with children. 

Indirect abuse:

The parents who didn't get enough bad news will be snarky and grumpy and in a bad mood around their children.

The parent makes comments to third people (but children can overhear) how their children are brainwashed or bribed to prefer the other parent over them.

The parent makes comments in style: “If you want sweets, ask you darling dad, he is the good parent as I can understand from you”, “Of course, I am the mean one, I am asking you to eat your dinner, run to your darling mummy, she will baby you and feed you chocolate only, she doesn't care about your health, only to be the popular one!”, “Sure, I am the bad one for you, right? Go on, call me bad, you never loved me anyway!”

Child who is in this situation where their own well being depends on having expected stories to tell to avoid abuse, will make them up. Can you really blame them?

Stepmum1 did not address the issue with the child. They never allow the young child to be aware that they found out what she has been telling to her mum. They addressed that with mum very carefully. They sent mum an email saying: “Thank you for informing us about those things (daughters name) have been telling you. I can assure you that we are taking good care of her. She always asks for second help at the dinner table and always gets it. We will keep eye on the selection of treats and what she might prefer and the same about the activities here. With best regards (dad's name)”

As you can see, dad avoided saying that their daughter is lying. He doesn't want their daughter to get another emotional attack from mum. He also avoids opening the door for mum to start a convo over “who is actually lying to who”, and avoids allowing The Blame Game to start. 

Secondly, dad gives reassurance to mum that their child is taken care of. He only addressed the food consumption part, as this is the only issue mum could use against him if she is planning to file something legal against them. Sweets, snacks, activities, toys….nothing about those things will not interest social services or courts. 

And last, but most importantly: Dad is taking attention away from the child and makes it between adults. He is not saying that he will “have a word” with their daughter, or “will ask what she would like to do to get things better”.  Never put your child in the spotlight, never make them the target of any conflict.

With this step mom and dad are securing one safe home for that child. One home where she doesn't have to be worried about adult emotions and adult problems. Where she doesn't have to feel that she needs to fake or behave a certain way to be safe.

Unfortunately Stepmum2 failed the most important part. She challenged children about the things they have been saying in the other house. She wanted to teach the lesson how bad it is to lie. With this, children now have two homes where they are targeted by adults.  They have no safe place anymore. And being in situation without safe place will result with bad behavior and resentment against both households.

“But they have to learn that lying is wrong!” cries Stemum2. Yes, it is wrong. But believe me, children do know that. They just don't have enough maturity to deal with such an enormous moral dilemma like:  Who should take the slap from an angry parent? Should I keep telling the truth that the other house is fine and I am fine there? I get punished every time if I keep telling the truth.  Or should I tell the angry parent whatever they want to hear, to avoid punishment? 

It's the classical torturing situation. Children are emotionally tortured to give information, that would give reason to attack the other parent. Shouldn't we, parents, be the ones who will take the bullet for our children? Their angry parents want to attack someone. Should we shield ourselves behind our children (They are lying, deal with your bad parenting now! I am going to punish them for lying in our house) or we should shield our children from the angry parent? (The way how did Stepmum1 solve her problem)?

“But people will believe those lies, if I don't show that those are lies!” cries the Stepmum2.

Once again, what is more important to you?  Your children's mental health or the fact that people are gossiping. Aren't people gossiping anyway?

You can show that those are lies without throwing those poor kids under the bus or make them get punishments from both houses. 

Get out in public with your children, let people see that you are doing activities, that you are smiley, friendly and loving towards them. That they are fed and cared for and get ice cream. Nothing can kill gossip better than seeing with their own eyes how happy you all are together. 

More articles about loyalty conflict:

https://familytimescny.com/2014/07/01/loyalty-binds-when-a-child-feels-conflicted-about-a-stepparent/

https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/children-loyalty-conflicts-divorce/

https://stepparentingwithgrace.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/healthy-stepparenting-2-recognize-the-impact-of-loyalty-conflict/

How to teach critical thinking in high conflict co-parenting situation. 

More helpful articles about new family challenges: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/