Am I cut out to be a stepmum?

How to decide, if am I cut out to be a step-mum after all?

First, you have to be self-aware. 

Who are you!? What kind of life you want for yourself. What is the perfect life for you in these circumstances? Not what would benefit your partner or what would be best for your future step-children. 

You have to know what you want. If you don't have what you want you are empty. And you have nothing to give if you are empty. That is why the most unselfish motivation is usually driving us into failure. You can not help others if your glass is empty. 

Are you a religious person who goes to church and believes that God has his plan for all of us?

Your guidebook to read before you make the decision is: "The smart stepfamily" 

Hands down -this book is one of the three best step-family books written at all times. 

I would make it compulsory for every person who is thinking of having a relationship after separating from their children's bio-parent.

The problem is that this book is heavy with long quotes from the Bible. Not everyone can tolerate that type of writing. 

If you are an atheist but willing to just turn pages and read when the practical advice starts-you can not ask for a better guide for your journey

The same author has published books: "The Smart Stepmum" and "The Smart Stepdad" both I can highly recommend. And several others, that I have not had time to read, so I will not name them here yet.

Are you a strong individual, someone whose goal was not to fall in love with a divorced man with children? You know your worth, and you love your man but you have no idea what a stepfamily life might be like? You refuse to follow blindly some kind of expectations or rules only “Because everyone on Facebook is saying so!”

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:  "Stepmonster" 

This is a very unique book because it is a product of researcher W. Martin. This book is full of scientific facts and links and is suitable for a person who needs facts and supporting academic resources to accept theories and advice.

It's also the best book to overcome step-parents' cognitive dissonance.  The feeling that “I know that if I want to be a good stepmum then I must be... must do... must believe... must value... must want, but deep down, it feels wrong somehow”.

Are you a financially independent active woman with a good job and a fulfilling social life? You love your life, your man, and your community and you are known as someone who is always there for your friends and your neighbourhood? You are adamant that you will be the best new mother (second mother) to his children and no one can say you are not as important to those children as the bio mother would be.

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:

"The Single Girl’s Guide to…" 

This book is full of encouragement to carry on doing what you believe is the best thing to do to become, as the author calls it:  “the sassy stepmom”.

It's humorous, it's funny, it has some interesting interviews and absolutely surely is supportive and emotionally uplifting like your step-mum’s best friend would be.

My only reservation is, that this book is just one person's experience, do not take it as a guidebook for yourself.

Are you a woman who has been in the school of hard knocks? You have been through good times but also bad times. For the hurt and mistreated by people you thought you could trust and rely on? 

Maybe had a tricky childhood or youth? Maybe you have a difficult relationship with your own parents/stepparents? 

Your guidebook to read before your decision is:

"From dating to getting serious to forming a blended family" 

If you want a clear rulebook, simple solid explanations of what to expect and how to prepare yourself for the best possible outcome, then you can not find a better book than this. 

The same authors have been publishing another book I can not praise highly enough.

“The co-parenting Handbook: Raising well adjusted and resilient kids from little ones to young adults through divorce and separation”

The co-parenting book is written for parents, not so much for potential stepparents. However, they do have a special chapter at the end of the book for new partners.

Over the past 5 years, I have read 12 co-parenting and blended family-related books. Top of that number I have been "skimming through" another 10+ where reading them fully was just wasting time.

All those books will not find naming here as reading those might lead to seriously dangerous grounds:

Those books will make you feel unhappy with your life (does not matter what life you currently have)

All those books are not guidebooks. They are so-called "rule books" and they all have the same message: there is only one way to be a good co-parent. Here is the list. And the list describes an extended group of people who all dearly love each other. Ex-partners are best friends who devoted their lives to supporting each other future endeavours. New partners are loved and respected. At the same time, new partners are not willing to be consulted, considered or involved with any parenting decisions. They are like the house-elves in Harry Potter books. And foremost- no one ever has disagreements and no one ever has any unsolved bitterness towards the other co-parent.  It is just not an option at all.  You also learn from those books that if your co-parenting situation is not exactly how the authors listed here, you are a bad co-parent and should feel ashamed of yourself.  You can read more about the danger of reading judgemental books - here.

Am I cut out to be a stepmum? What to expect?

This blog can also give one of the possible scenarios to think about.

How to treat bio children and stepchildren fairly.

Becoming a certified CBT therapist I learned soon that there are common problems blended families (and subfamilies) are facing.

One of those is different treatment when it comes to children from different parents.

If you have a child out of wedlock, it's more common that this child is growing up as the only bio-sibling. They might have half-siblings, but no other children who would be brought up by the same set of parents.

Depending on the circumstances, parents have different underlying feelings towards their child and parenting.

If the pregnancy was unplanned for at least one of the parents (or maybe both) the child relates to guilt and self judgement. Guilty parent syndrome is the reason for overcompensating and fear to set rules and consequences.

If the child is the result of co-parenting agreement, then that child is "the prodigal son/daughter" who is admired and worshipped by both parents and their families.

Regardless of parental feelings, those children live their lives like a child who has no siblings. If their parents will have children with different partners, then those are subfamilies with children from different sets of parents, resulting in different expectations and parenting rules. A child out of wedlock displays always traits that is called “only child syndrome” 

The negative aspect is that when this child is between separated parents, there is an additional challenge: “Guilty parent syndrome” and cohesive competition between parents “who loves you more”.  

The result is a selfish and obnoxious child who is convinced by adults around them that they are the centre of the universe and everyone in the whole world is here to make my life more entertaining and to serve my needs. 

Those children are not selfish and inconsiderate by proxy. They are taught by adults around them that they are more important than anyone else in the world.

As a not-biological family member, it sets up a huge challenge for us. We can not see that child as a prodigal son/daughter. For us it's a self-centred, egoistic child whose core values should be corrected.

Here we are in border of dangerous grounds:

1. This is not our child to parent. 

Majority of stepparents would like to think of themselves as “one of the mothers” or "one of the dads” and would like to take up to them to modify their partner's children and their personality. Remember- if your partner does not feel the same way, you have no chance to change a behaviour. Your OH might support your idea to start remodeling their children's behaviour, but they don't do anything by themselves. If they carry on acting toward their child the way they used to- you only will be labelled as “mean stepparent” and will end up in conflict with the child. As a result, your OH will side with their bio-child and you are now in opposition with your step child and with your partner. 

Huge danger to believe that you are supported by your OH, most cases- you find yourself in “the bad guy” and your partner is the “protector” or “saviour from the mean stepparent”. 

2. You feel frustrated that you need to “play around” a child who is “brought up in the wrong way”.

Frustration is a direct route to disengagement.  Often disengagement is the only way to save your mental health in this situation ( Home-life, where your partner is choosing to bring their children up differently than you believe is the right way to do it).

Disengagement is also called the “NACO”-method. 

Different names/labels, the same idea:  I am not responsible for how this child is growing up. The negative personality traits and the unwanted behaviour is not a reflection of me and my parenting. I will not let people put the responsibility of dealing with the behaviours and consequences on me, because I did not teach that child to behave the way they do.

3. What about my children? They are in a disadvantaged situation, as they have to

follow the rules I am making. My children have to be considerate, polite, sharing and doing chores when his child(ren) doesn't have to.   

Children must be treated equally!!!

This is the place you have to be very careful to make decisions for your future steps. 

First, remember- in this world, there are always children who doesn't have expectations to behave the way you expect your children to behave. That is why you should not use the line: “My kids are behaving badly now because they can see his children don't have any rules or expectations."  Remember, your children have interactions 5 days a week at their school, with peers who are bragging, how they don't have to listen to their parents, don't have to do anything, how they are communicating and going how they please and “no one makes rules for me”.

In reality, your children will get more frequent “bad influence” going to school than they get from having step-siblings staying in your house.

You need to decide how you explain to your children why it benefits them in the long run. Knowing how to behave, so your future employers and coworkers would like you and support you.

Everyone can be rude to their parents, thinking: before me being 16 yo, my parents can not kick me out, even if I am disrespectful and not willing to behave as a part of our family. 

In the age-proper way, you have to explain to your children that in future, they will be employed before rude people and they will be promoted before people who did not learn how to be team spirited, considered and helpful. 

If your children are over 12 yo and emotionally mature, you can try to explain also how it is different to live your life in your home and how it feels different if you are spending time in close relatives house (i.e. staying with grandparents or aunties for week, is different expectations than staying at home for a week).

Keep in mind that “equity” and “equality” are different things.

Articles you might find helpful:

1. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.
2. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
3. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
4. Why mother of his child demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
5.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
6. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
7.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
8. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
   
9. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
10. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
11. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
12. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
13. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
14. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
15. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
16. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
17. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
18. What about the grandparents? 
19. My partner,s family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
20. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 
22. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/11/when-his-girlfriend-is-ruining-our-co.html
23. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/10/when-other-parent-is-abandoned-our.html
24. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/03/declaration-of-goodwill-in-your-co.html
25. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/03/in-ideal-world-ideal-co-parenting-would.html