Why mother of his children demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?

Why does the Ex demand "Family Time" when dad has a new relationship?

Whenever you are dealing with a situation, you should be able to answer the following questions: Why don't I like this behavior? What are the negative impacts if this behavior continues?

If we are bothered by something, then there must be a reason, and it must be a potential harm that we're concerned about.

If we are bothered that my partner's ex is noticeably invested in having “family time,” we should understand the underlying issues. Some exes request that family time happen with new partners involved (when they are in a new relationship themselves), while others request family time only for biological parents and children, with no spouses allowed (these exes are usually single or have a dominant role in their new family, where their new partner has no voice).

If you read carefully, you’ll notice the pattern: the biological mother wants to have special time when she feels equal in the co-parenting dynamic. It is emotionally incredibly difficult for a mother to accept the reality that her attempt at a family with that man failed. He is now happy and has a family, while she has… nothing? Another partner, but it’s not a nuclear family. And then, the worst possible scenario—one that usually shakes even the most confident biological mother to the core—Dad remarries a childless woman and starts a new nuclear family with her, with no extra baggage from her side. That’s a painful mix of emotions: feelings of failure, self-pity, anger, disappointment, lost self-worth, and jealousy.

The first natural instinct is to secure her position as “the most important mother,” “the mother who was here first,” or whatever specific label is needed for her peace of mind.

Another very common and often annoying behavior stems from the same root: undermining (sometimes belittling, sometimes even attacking) his life partner. This comes from a basic instinct to equalize the situation: if I can’t have as much as I want, I’ll take something from others so that I still have more than them. If I’m not 100% in the leading role, I have to make another woman’s position seem less important—at least try to make it look like it’s less important than it could be.

To remedy those hurt feelings and emotional wounds, the biological mother needs visual signs and proof of her superior position. She needs to be seen in the company of the father of her children. Depending on her relationship situation, she may request that Dad turn up on his own (the ultimate leadership status) or with his partner if she’s in a new relationship (her superior status shall apply to both partners).

She needs reassurance that her “siren call” still has power over the father.

Dads with non-conflict personalities often go along with this request because they can see it’s innocent. The biological mother has no chance of getting back together with him; she just wants to feel important. A 60-minute ego boost might help keep her in a positive co-parenting mindset.

Unfortunately, dads overlook serious traps in this approach. In psychology, it's called using a short-term remedy instead of addressing the root cause of the problem.

First, whenever you give in to the biological mother’s requests in hopes of reassuring her, you’re not actually making her feel better about the uncomfortable situation (she won’t feel less divorced). Instead, you’re teaching her to demand proof that “she hasn’t been pushed aside, forgotten, or made unimportant to you,” and each time, the task becomes more significant. Because that’s how life works—if you give a little, next time you’ll be asked for bigger favors. This applies in all aspects of life (work, money, personal favors).

Second, whenever you spend time together as a nuclear family, you make your child hope that Mom and Dad will work things out one day. They are getting along better. If I can get them together more, they’ll see that they’re actually good friends, and then we’ll all live together happily ever after.

Here’s where biological mothers, whether malicious or simply lacking empathy, may turn their children into “flying monkeys.”

This term, used in psychology, describes a person who unknowingly acts as the messenger or emotional influence for someone else. The biological mother might tell her child that if they ask Dad to spend time with just the three of them, “we can all be very happy.” She is making the child believe that Dad wants to be with them but needs encouragement.

When Dad agrees to “just come in for a cuppa” or “let’s go for a walk together, it’s such a nice day,” he may be trying to give his child a nice time. But the child gets confirmation: “Mummy was right, Dad does want to spend time with us, and he clearly loves it!”

It’s incredibly easy to achieve because any child, at any age, dreams of a nuclear family and parents being friends, living in the same house. Give them the faintest hope, and they will cling to it. If Dad disappoints them by NOT MOVING IN WITH MOM after all those friendly walks, ice cream, and fun times at the park, they will direct their anger at Dad: “You failed me! You were nice to Mom and still can’t marry her—it’s your fault!”

You also need to ensure that your partner does not lead you into a situation where he sees himself as part of two relationships—one with you and one with his ex. ( "For sake of children" of course) read about subfamily model here: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2022/10/co-parenting-or-polyaffective-sub-family.html?m=1

More articles about creating family time and excluding the new partner. (the article) 

Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!

One of the most common complaints new partners seem to have is: “Why does the ex act as though they are hurt by the end of the relationship? They were the ones who ended it, walked out, or cheated and left! They wanted it!”

I would like to ask: would she have left if she were happy in that relationship? We agree that leaving can be the right thing to do if it is impossible to make things work so that everyone can be happy. Leaving means ending the relationship, and 99% of people who have experienced a relationship breakdown describe it in some way as a significant loss, sometimes feeling like a deep wound or serious injury. We understand that pain when someone is leaving you and ending your relationship.

Now, let me offer a parallel example of this pain and loss.

Imagine that someone causes you an injury: they stab you or cut off your finger. It hurts, leaves you scared, or causes you to lose a limb.

But what if it were you who inflicted the injury? If someone cuts themselves, wouldn't that hurt? Or if there is something unusual about that person's ability to feel pain, wouldn't it still leave scars? Wouldn't it still leave them without that limb?

And what if the person who inflicted the injury was in a situation where they had to cut off their own finger or arm to escape? (Think of the famous film example.) Should we view them differently, as though they are not entitled to sympathy or support because they did it to themselves?

Similarly, consider Siamese twins who had to be separated to have a chance at a normal life (or in some cases, life at all). Regardless of who was removed from whom, both are now separated and, as a result, both have scars or physical needs following that separation.

I believe you can see the point I am trying to make. It doesn’t matter who made the decision to end the relationship. It hurts everyone involved.

 Read more here: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/

 Why Ex acts out like the new partner doesn't exist or should not exist?

Why the Ex can not "grow up" and behave like an adult? They are separated and I am not the reason why they are separated.

Why does it hurt so much to learn your ex is expecting a child with someone else?

Why does reading about what good co-parenting should look like, usually makes things worse for yourself?

I am finding myself, again and again, surfing the internet and looking for articles about perfect co-parenting. Hoping to find some kind of truth that will make everything good and right, and will solve my problems with my co-parenting issues. 

Reading all those articles on how good co-parenting should be, is meant to be a helpful tool to get separated parents to understand and make better choices. Right?

Unfortunately it often has the opposite effect on the reader. Those articles can create more anger, more resentment, and more reason to fuel the fight between separated parents instead of helping to improve the situation.

Why does that happen? 

Imagine that you have a co-parenting situation; it is not perfect, but you don't really fight either. You found a delicate balance somehow (maybe you don't even know how) and you are in the process of healing your emotional wounds.

Now you come across an article that defines “the good co-parenting rules”. You find yourself reading it and before you realise it, you are ANGRY.

Why? Because you find something (maybe many things), from that “rule book” for “correct co-parenting” that your co-parent does not do. Maybe those articles said that you should get daily updates from your co-parent, but they are only sending them occasionally (or only after you ask directly)...  Some articles will insist that good co-parenting must involve parenting meetings to discuss (whatever), or to have “family time altogether”. But you and your co-parent don't do that (insert your own unique reasons here).

Some rulebooks will say that co-parents should offer extra help with childcare and look after the children when you can not be on parenting duty, but you and your co-parent have always sorted out childcare individually (via grandparents, childminders, friends, etc) when you need to.

Maybe you read that the only correct way to communicate is informally, in a 'friendly' unofficial manner - a chat over a coffee rather than an email (as an email is formal, official, unfriendly). But you have been business-like for years, using emails and texts to prevent misunderstandings (or mis-remembering what was said) from causing conflict.

It seems that each of those articles is in competition with the others; who can have a longer list of things that GOOD co-parents SHOULD do.

Up to the point that you read this “rule book” all the things you were doing worked for you and your co-parent. Over time you worked out a way to co-parent that did not upset you and did not cause problems between you the two of you. Now that you've read the "rule book", some of those hard won victories which enable you to have a low conflict relationship seem like failures, like you are not co-parenting the way you are supposed to.

Suddenly you fell from being OK with your co-parenting situation to feeling upset because you clearly got the short stick here. It's in black and white in front of you how co-parenting SHOULD be, but it's not like that for you.

Well...at least it's not FULLY like that for you. This "rule book" told you: your co-parenting isn't perfect, you failed as a co-parent.

This makes you angry, and you lash out at your co-parent:

“Why can't we have family days out, don't you know how damaging it is for children if their parents don't meet and don't spend time together as a family anymore!”

or

“Why can't you send me more updates when children are with you. Don't you know how to be a decent co-parent? You have been so aloof for YEARS!”

or

 “Normal co-parents can be friends, you are treating me like a business partner, get over yourself!”

Your co-parent, who was in the peaceful mindset that you have all worked so hard to achieve, is now confused; What the heck just happened? Are you going through a phase? Why are you suddenly angry about stuff that was fine for so long? Did someone mess with your head?  

Just to put it into a neutral context:

Illustrating example A

It's similar to people who believe that they are doing well in their careers. Good job, good salary, enough respect, happy and motivated. Then someone walks in and brags about how their salary is higher, holidays are longer, and working hours are more flexible. And you, who felt good about yourself and your achievements up to that point, suddenly feel like a loser. It's not helping that you don't know, whether that person really have all this. Only the picture of what it could be is enough to destroy your happiness, and your feeling of contentment about your professional achievements.

Illustrating example B

Imagine a student who receives their exam results and gets very upset because not all their grades are A+. They failed! If all the results in every subject are not A+ then they failed and it's not good enough and someone should be made responsible here!

So what do I recommend instead? Yes, those articles are out there, but read them as a suggestion, not as the absolute truth. The authors are describing THEIR vision of what they think you should do or achieve to be awarded A+. 

I would also ask: Is A+ the only option for you and your children?

Would you be upset with your child if they get a C or B instead of an A+ in school?

Would you attack them by saying: “Don't you know what a good grade should be?” Would you say: “I read that it's not so difficult to get an A+ there are loads of students who got an A+. Why can you not produce an A+ for us to be proud of?” 

Or you congratulate your child for passing their exams with the best achievable outcome. Would you give them a pat on the back and acknowledge that they did their best, did not throw in the towel when things got difficult, they powered through and that is what matters. Would you give them that chance to feel proud of the grade they achieved, rather than ashamed that they did not get A+.

Maybe the C is all they need to get into their chosen university or career, so the have achieved their goal - would you still be upset that they didn't get A+?

Remember: co-parenting should never be about you. It's not about ticking boxes, or showcasing your perfect co-parenting to the world, it's about providing a low conflict environment for the children.

If you are labelling yourselves (or each other) as bad co-parents, or you have an attitude that you have a bad co-parenting relationship, then it is your children who feel that THEY got a grade F. 

If you have an attitude that you tried your best, it was the best co-parenting you were able to put together, then your children will feel proud of you and happy about themselves.

Learn to enjoy your C or B grade instead of beating yourself (or your co-parent) up over it: "I should have an A+ instead". Embrace what you have achieved, ignore what anyone else thinks you should have done.

To be clear, I am not saying that you should not try to educate yourself about co-parenting, but be sure to engage your critical reading skills - and yes, that applies to this blog as much as any other.

Articles on the internet are random. You don't know who wrote them or what their motivation is. Do they have an agenda? Are they writing from experience? Are the genuinely knowledgeable about how interpersonal relationships work? Or are they just an angry divorced parent venting about the failures in their own co-parenting relationship, and painting a rosy picture of how they think “it should be done”?

I would recommend that you read books instead of blogs (or social media). Books are reviewed before printing because the publisher must take some responsibility for the content. They are unlikely to publish someone's unsubstantiated opinion as a “rulebook for good co-parenting” as that could be seriously emotionally damaging for people who attempt to follow those rules, leaving the publisher liable. Internet hosts do not have that liability.

 

Every book is different though, and it can take time to find one that “speaks your language”. I will try to have a little overview of books I have been working through over the past 15 years here.

And please read my chapter about step-parent chat groups, and why you should be very wary of them. 

And some other people, who have said the same:

Jamie Scimgeour

Read more articles here:

1. How "Good Co-parenting" is used to cover up the real intentions. Be careful what this person's real intentions are. 
2. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.
3. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
4. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
5. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
6. Why mother of his children demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
7.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
8. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
9.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
10. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
    
11. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
12. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 


13. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
14. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
15. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
16. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
17. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
18. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
19. What about the grandparents? 
20. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
21. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

In-Laws and blended families

 When nuclear families change to blended families, In-laws are facing new challenges. 

It’s like seeing one branch suddenly splitting in two and where will be the nest?

When it's easier for the mother side: our daughter and her children without their dad and husband.

Dad’s side is more complicated. If children will stay more time with mum and parents decide that mum will act as primary parent and dad will take up weekend parent roles, then dad's parents will automatically feel that their “nest'' is now on the other side, on mom's side of the split branch. As a result, their loyalty will travel with the “nest” following the blood line and they will adapt to the view of subfamilies. There is still their son but there is another bloodline: their grandchildren, who are separated from their son and living the majority of their time with their mum. Same is with all other in-laws (sister in law, brother in law etc.).

If there is a legally equal split: 50-50 and both parents will carry on doing half of the parenting, the effect for in-laws is still the same. Their bloodline will not disappear after mom's house front door closes behind their grandchildren. Their bloodline is inside that house, that means this house is now biologically connected to them.

Sometimes it is the same even when dad has primary guardianship. Depends on the in-laws individual personalities. Some people are interested in maintaining close contact with close family members only and some people are putting a lot of effort into having frequent interactions with distant relatives as much as the first circle of the family. So called  “Everyone is family” people.

It's rather surprising how new partners (potential step-parents and long term stepparents) can be so emotionally blind here. The anger: “How dare my MiL and FiL have lunch with MY husband's ex wife!!!!”  How those people seem to not have any ability to see that THEIR boyfriend/husband is someone's son/brother/dad too. Being in a relationship with you doesn’t delete his role as son/brother/dad to third people. 

Your MiL and FiL did not have lunch with YOUR husband's ex, they had lunch with the mother of their grandchildren. Your sister-in-law did not have phone calls and play dates with YOUR husband's ex but their cousins and their mother. 

And your MiL and FiL in their FB page did not congratulate YOUR husband's ex, they congratulated their grandchildren's mother. 

It's not all about you. It's about the blood line. You will have your turn when you and them will be connected via umbilical cord.

Read more about how to get over the difficult feelings here:

My partner's family and friends are talking to the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them?

and

https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/08/family-means-tolerated-not-loved.html

And make sure you are in relationship with your partner only, not with their ex as well.

https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2022/10/co-parenting-or-polyaffective-sub-family.html?m=1

Read more about co-parenting solutions: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/

The name that shall not be spoken.

 Ex-partner (or baby-momma) becomes the most hated name for the woman who is in a relationship with a man with children.

Sometimes it gets so bad that you would like to scream or vomit every time someone mentions that name. Even if the same name actually represents another, totally innocent person or maybe a company. 

When we can convince grown-ups to be sympathetic around us and minimise mentioning that triggering name, there are ALWAYS children.  And not under any circumstances, it is ok to expect children, not to mention their mum or avoid saying anything about their mum. Expecting this to be the case is so wrong, that I won’t spend any time or space here to explain it in any future. 

So, the name will be spoken. Sometimes even with high excitement and love in their voices.  And it just cuts you every single time. What can you do to not drive yourself mad? How not to resent your stepchildren and not be angry with your partner - why can he not put a stop to that. Why he can not make it clear to his family that this name shall not be spoken?  She is just such a horrible person. Or maybe- it just feels unfair for you to hear that there has been someone else before you. 

I would like to point out that it is relatively easier to be OK with those children mentioning their mum in your present. It's easier to understand that children will always love their mother regardless of how horrible that woman is to other people in their family. It's their mother and a large number of emotional memories and experiences are involved with their mum. 

I never really had a problem with my partner's son talking about his mum and things they did with her or planning to do. 

It's so much harder to avoid being annoyed with grown-ups. It took a good year or (almost) two for me, to get over being annoyed inside my head with my partner's family and friends. Listening to them raving about what an amazing person the mother of his son is and what a wonderful time they all used to have, back then when she still was their friend. (an exceptionally close and friendly co-parenting was called off by mother, on the day she learned that dad has a girlfriend, and was replaced with very strict parallel parenting with: “Do not talk to me! we are strangers to each other now”). When it comes to grown-up social conversion, you can not see the biological need to talk about that woman, who has been nothing else than a headache for the person you love. You can not understand how they can see her as a great person when she is hurting their son/brother/uncle/friend?!?

So hold your horses, that will be a long journey for sure, but you can get there. 

It's easy to say- go and find a therapist and learn how to protect yourself from those negative feelings. It's not always possible, and maybe even not always needed. Some people can direct their thinking process and they will be fine without expensive therapy. 

And as my therapist told me: there is no one fit for everyone.  Everyone must find their own unique set of “tools” that will work for them. It is important to try them all over a minimal 3-month period per “tool”. This means- it's doubtful that you can have a quick fix. 

What can you do if hearing the birth mother's name makes you uncomfortable? 

There are two main approaches you can try to start with: 

Normalising: means explaining the situation and feelings you experience.

Renaming: giving to an uncomfortable situation (or stimulus) another name or another meaning.

Reducing significance. This means I will look into the trigger and will be honest with myself, about how significant this situation really is? Maybe I am the person who gives a huge significance to something that has really no value or should not be my concern. (classical example: getting annoyed that some people are posting too many selfies on social media).

The first and most important step is actually done: you acknowledge that you are allergic to that name. It's not like those children are doing something malicious against you. They are talking about their mother. 

If we use the “Normalising” technique here: It's quite a simple concept, Every child has the right to talk about their mother regardless of what company. If you will imagine your own children in the position of your stepchildren. If they must have dad and his new partner- do you really believe your children should not mention your name in dad's house? Do you really believe them talking about what you all did during the time with you is somehow a mean and malicious act against the partner or just a child's natural need to share emotions and experiences?  Understanding that there is no intention to hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel secondary is the first thing and sometimes it's all you need. You have little visitors in your house who are sharing their life events with you. The thing that happened at school with their teacher (you are not upset about that) thing that happened at friends' house with their parents present (you are not disrespected by this story) or the thing that happened at grandparents' house (it's not making you less family if they mentioned the dinner nanny cooked for them).

If we would like to use the “Renaming” technique, then we will imagine that those children are not a product of the woman we passionately dislike. We will ask ourselves: “How would I feel or react if a visiting child brings up their mother as a conversation topic?” Would I feel offended that they are mentioning “another woman” in my earshot, in my house? 

I used to remind myself. What if my niece (or a friend) is asking me to look after her children for a weekend. Those children will tell me stories about their mum, right? I probably will enjoy learning more about their life. My partner’s children should be my very best friends' children. So I should react to stories about their mum the same way. Those are children I care about and they have family members and relatives they want to talk about. 

Reducing the significance technique: Is that topic really important? Does it have an influence over my home life? Does it make me consider any changes in my life?  Will something really happen to me or anyone around me if that name is mentioned? Or is it just another story to entertain people here?

Sometimes it is useful to remember: that significance can be positive. Maybe I learned something about that woman I didn't know before? Our days- information is the greatest power. Whenever people mention her, they are giving out information, which means they are giving her power away and I gain power. Just be careful and resent the temptation of getting into competition “Everything you can do, I can do better”  and as a result offer information about yourself and your life. I can hear people say: but I don't need that power. It's useless for me, I am not going to war against her. I am better than that. Of course, you are better than that! But remember the rule of any cold war: it's better to have weapons and power and not to use them than not have anything and feel defenceless, right :D 

It's much more complicated when it comes to grown-ups and their conversation topics. A great human behaviour scientist and creator of Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne, describes in his work that: Human personality is multi-layered. We are manifesting ourselves and each situation through gained individual thoughts, feelings and behaviours. We all have “phenomenological realities”. For us, a certain woman is the reality of discomfort, a memory of hurt and unfairness, thoughts of distrust, restricted life choices and maybe loss of security.

For our in-laws (or other relatives) she is the reality of biological ties. 50% of her DNA is merged into their DNA when those children were born. DNA is the reality whether you like it or not. She has memories of a grandchild being born, the grandchild taking first steps, having the first Christmas and if there was a marriage between mother and father- there are memories from happy days when nothing hinted what a disaster it would be one day. And those people are forming different thoughts about her as a person because of that. 

That said, when we are using the “Normalising” technique here, we have to remember, that those people have a very different reality than we (or maybe our partner as well as us) have about the woman and the situation we are in.

Before we can decide if “Normalising” is a possible approach with in-laws and other relatives from our partner's side, we have to be able to analyse their reality. Has this woman been as horrible towards them as she has been towards me and my partner? If she never acts in an unfriendly or antagonising way towards other family members, we can not expect them to “understand how horrible she is to their son/brother/uncle” and reject her because of her bad behaviour towards your partner. For people, their personal experience carries more weight than whatever evidence and explanation from a 3rd person. Only mums can change their opinion about someone only based on how that person is treating their child. But not always. Having grandchildren is a very powerful counterweight. If she is treating my son badly, because he has a new wife, but loves and cares for my grandchildren then my experience is still positive with her and my feelings are happy because she is caring for my grandchildren. 

“Normalising” means that you can accept: that everyone can like or love more than one person. Loving one sister does not mean that you have to not love another one. Loving one mother of your children does not mean that you can not love the same as another mother of your grandchildren. To “prove” you that your in-laws love and respect you they don't have to hate or ignore or hide their positive feelings towards another mother. You are not offended if they are mentioning or talking about the woman their second son has children with? Are you? 

Here I found “renaming” the most helpful tool for myself. I “renamed” the mother of my partner's children to the mother of their grandchildren. Them talking about one of the women who is the mother of their grandchildren is not upsetting or not belittling me by any means. My in-laws have two sons. Both have children. I don't feel offended or uncomfortable when they are talking about how a successful businesswoman is the mother of their youngest son's children. But I got all worked up when my in-laws happened to mention: “Did you hear that Sam's mum has a new car?”  Whenever I felt unsettled, I trained myself to say the same words in my head using the name of his brother's wife and the same information did not sound annoying or unnecessary or improper to bring up. 

It's also loosely overlapping with the “reducing significance” technique. When I was able to rename my partner's ex from “mother of his children” to  “mother of their grandchildren” I moved further and found a way to reduce significantly. I asked myself: what if that unpleasant woman they are talking about right now is just another mother of their grandchildren and not my partner's ex? What if the father of her children is one of the sons that never existed- an imaginary or maybe a late son? Would this woman's presence annoy me then? Am I feeling that it's unnecessary to have a relationship with her only because the father of her children is still alive and in this room?  Would I  feel indifferent if she was a widower of one of their sons? If she is invited to family gatherings because she is the mother of two of their grandchildren not an ex of one of their sons?

I was able to see that the only significance about her was in my head and in my heart. Even worse, she was not as significant to all those people to whom she was related by DNA as she was to me without any relation.

And I discovered another no-significance. She was significant to me because she had sex with my partner before I met that man. The result of the intercourse did not bother me, I was fine with the children and the arrangement around co-parenting. The only thing that caused problems was my opinion that somehow she was a  VIP person. Turns out, she IS NOT  a VIP. Not for others. She is just one of the relatives, one of the women who contributed to the current number of their grandchildren. Nothing more. They did not care she had sex with this man I am having sex with now. If they don't care, then why on earth do I make a big deal of it? :D She was only significant to me because I kept the past in my head and made it present. There is an exciting resource that explains this dynamic so well. Retrospective jealousy OCD. https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retroactive-jealousy-ocd/

And how to come over it:  

https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/how-to-get-over-jealousy-of-an-ex/

https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retroactive-jealousy-cure/

https://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/retrograde-jealousy-how-i-got-it/

I had to learn how to see different personalities in the same woman. She had a role to play as a co-worker (co-parent) and that was a practical task. 

She was a previous sex partner (we all have a past) 

She was relative to my in-laws and sometimes happened to be present when a large circle of the family was invited. (Like the other 30 to 50 people in this family).

She was mentioned and discussed when the family was together, (also grandparents, uncles and aunties, siblings and friends were mentioned).

Nothing of this makes her more significant than any other person on earth. I have no reason to give her headspace. I have better people who should have space there.

Read more articles here:

1. https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/08/family-means-tolerated-not-loved.html

2. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.

3. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business-like, as we imagined at the beginning.
4. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
5. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
6. Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
7.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
8. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
9.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
10. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
    
11. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
12. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
13. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
14. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
15. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
16. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
17. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
18. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
19. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
20. What about the grandparents? 
21. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
22. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation? 

Meeting his ex-wife

One evening, the man I was dating casually said, “The mother of my son wants to meet you. We agreed that if either of us starts seeing someone new, the other parent has the right to meet them.” As a divorced mother myself, with an ex-husband who had remarried years ago, I was surprised. I’d never thought about meeting my ex-husband’s girlfriends. Why would I? What was the point? What were their intentions? At that early stage of our relationship, this raised a few concerns for me: Why did he need her approval to date? Did she always control who he could socialise with? And most importantly, how did a woman I’d never met suddenly have a say over me? Just because I was his girlfriend, did she have the right to meet me? Who gave her the power to make decisions about my social life? Do I still have a choice in who I meet, or have I lost that by being with him? At the time, the idea of controlling behaviour in co-parenting wasn’t widely recognised as abusive or even illegal under UK law, which made things even more confusing. The idea of “co-parenting as though we’re still a family for the kids” was becoming more popular, making things even harder to understand. Luckily, my boyfriend and I quickly came to an agreement. However, his child’s mother was determined to meet me, ignoring our preferences. She insisted on meeting me and even threatened consequences if my boyfriend didn’t comply, emphasising her role as the “Mother Of His Child.” This emotional pressure made me wonder: Why would a woman feel the need to meet her ex’s new partner? What drives this need? What are they hoping to achieve? After looking into forums and social media groups, I realised that these kinds of meetings are quite common, and so is the confusion around them. Some people feel a strong need to meet their ex’s new partner, while others are unsure of what to say or do in such situations. Interestingly, those who don’t feel the need for these meetings often have a strong sense of self. They’re not emotionally tied to their ex and don’t feel insecure. However, societal pressure can make them think they should go along with it. ( Read about Cognitive Dissonance here) For some, meeting the new partner is about making sure they stay important in their ex’s life. Others want to set rules for how their child is treated in the new partner’s home. Some meet out of insecurity, worrying that a new family unit might form without them. I also came across women who openly admitted they were just curious to see “the woman who seems to be better in his eyes.” Some people feel a strong need to meet their ex’s new partner but can’t quite explain why. They often hide their true reasons behind more acceptable excuses. Humans have inner motives and outward reasons. Motives are our deep thoughts and beliefs that drive what we do. These are often subconscious, meaning we might not even realise them. Reasons, on the other hand, are what we tell others, adjusted to fit what’s considered normal or acceptable. By looking at the common reasons people give for these meetings, we can better understand the hidden motives and needs they might have. First of all, the ex might want to make sure she stays an important figure in her ex-partner’s life. If she can force the father to set up a meeting, she feels like she’s still a constant presence. She can look the new woman in the eye and send the message, “I’m here, and I will always be here. You have to consider me for the rest of your life. I’m important to that man!” This could also be a way to intimidate the new partner and establish herself as the main influence. The ex might feel that by calling this meeting, she has the right to set rules for how her child is treated in the new partner’s home: “When my child is in your house, you must…” or “You must make sure that in your house…” On the other hand, some exes use this meeting to express dislike for the new partner. If they complain about the new girlfriend without having met her, they might be challenged with, “You don’t know her, so you can’t dislike her!” But after meeting, even if briefly, they can justify their feelings. There are also those who claim to “like” the new partner, usually because she’s willing to follow the ex’s rules, even in the father’s home. In such cases, the new girlfriend risks becoming more of a housemaid or nanny, bending over backwards to please the ex, instead of building a healthy relationship with her partner. Interestingly, some new girlfriends are eager to meet the ex-partner. Their reasons vary: they might want to please the mother, assert their own place in the relationship, or figure out if there’s still chemistry between their partner and his ex. These reasons often come from a place of insecurity. Overall, these meetings are often about hiding insecurities. While facing fears might seem like a solution, it rarely solves the deeper issues. Remember: You have the power to decide who you want to meet. There is no rule that says you must meet your partner's ex. If you’re the mother whose ex is dating a new woman and you want to meet her, that’s your choice. But don’t feel obligated because you think there’s a rule—there isn’t one. You don’t have the right to force her into becoming your close friend or “sister-wife” to help raise your children. Depending on your personality, you might try to force the issue. Maybe she’s submissive and will be eager to please you—but maybe not. You won’t know until you try. If you’re a mother who doesn’t care who your ex is dating, you don’t have to arrange a big meetup with his new partner. However, be prepared to meet her in social situations if the dad involves her in child-related events or uses her as a caregiver. If you’re the new girlfriend, you’re under no obligation to meet the mother of his children just because you’re now dating their dad. You’re free to choose your own social circle, and your partner’s ex has no authority to make rules for you simply because they share children. You might want to ask for a meetup out of curiosity to see who your partner was with before you, or because you hope to make a new friend. Maybe you want to show the world you tried to get along, but she’s too jealous or difficult to make it work. Whatever your reason, it should be because you want to meet her, not because you feel you have to. She may refuse to meet you, and that’s her choice. She has no obligation to meet you, and she might even choose to ignore you altogether. While that might not be pleasant, there’s nothing you, your partner, or anyone else can do about it. It all comes down to the personalities involved and how you manage to live your lives without overstepping boundaries or claiming, “Everything is mine, including your life, because we share a man.” It’s better to start this journey slowly and avoid jumping into a big co-parenting arrangement too soon. Some people present themselves as part of a “big happy blended family,” where the ex’s partner becomes their best friend. When there are people who are truly enjoying multiple adult family co-parenting models, it's not for everyone. It's a tempting idea but can be risky, as it often serves as a front for social media, leading to emotional manipulation and fakeness in order to deceive people and cover up real emotions and feelings. (read about the truth behind the trendy co-parenting model) Why do so many people insist that a father should introduce his new partner to the mother of his children (his ex), and what are the recommended ways to respond to this? https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/01/should-i-have-ex-partners-approval-for.html

Am I cut out to be a stepmum? https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2023/01/am-i-cut-out-to-be-stepmum.html?m=1