I am finding myself, again and again, surfing the internet and looking for articles about perfect co-parenting. Hoping to find some kind of truth that will make everything good and right, and will solve my problems with my co-parenting issues.
Reading all those articles on how good co-parenting should be, is meant to be a helpful tool to get separated parents to understand and make better choices. Right?
Unfortunately it often has the opposite effect on the reader. Those articles can create more anger, more resentment, and more reason to fuel the fight between separated parents instead of helping to improve the situation.
Why does that happen?
Imagine that you have a co-parenting situation; it is not perfect, but you don't really fight either. You found a delicate balance somehow (maybe you don't even know how) and you are in the process of healing your emotional wounds.
Now you come across an article that defines “the good co-parenting rules”. You find yourself reading it and before you realise it, you are ANGRY.
Why? Because you find something (maybe many things), from that “rule book” for “correct co-parenting” that your co-parent does not do. Maybe those articles said that you should get daily updates from your co-parent, but they are only sending them occasionally (or only after you ask directly)... Some articles will insist that good co-parenting must involve parenting meetings to discuss (whatever), or to have “family time altogether”. But you and your co-parent don't do that (insert your own unique reasons here).
Some rulebooks will say that co-parents should offer extra help with childcare and look after the children when you can not be on parenting duty, but you and your co-parent have always sorted out childcare individually (via grandparents, childminders, friends, etc) when you need to.
Maybe you read that the only correct way to communicate is informally, in a 'friendly' unofficial manner - a chat over a coffee rather than an email (as an email is formal, official, unfriendly). But you have been business-like for years, using emails and texts to prevent misunderstandings (or mis-remembering what was said) from causing conflict.
It seems that each of those articles is in competition with the others; who can have a longer list of things that GOOD co-parents SHOULD do.
Up to the point that you read this “rule book” all the things you were doing worked for you and your co-parent. Over time you worked out a way to co-parent that did not upset you and did not cause problems between you the two of you. Now that you've read the "rule book", some of those hard won victories which enable you to have a low conflict relationship seem like failures, like you are not co-parenting the way you are supposed to.
Suddenly you fell from being OK with your co-parenting situation to feeling upset because you clearly got the short stick here. It's in black and white in front of you how co-parenting SHOULD be, but it's not like that for you.
Well...at least it's not FULLY like that for you. This "rule book" told you: your co-parenting isn't perfect, you failed as a co-parent.
This makes you angry, and you lash out at your co-parent:
“Why can't we have family days out, don't you know how damaging it is for children if their parents don't meet and don't spend time together as a family anymore!”
or
“Why can't you send me more updates when children are with you. Don't you know how to be a decent co-parent? You have been so aloof for YEARS!”
or
“Normal co-parents can be friends, you are treating me like a business partner, get over yourself!”
Your co-parent, who was in the peaceful mindset that you have all worked so hard to achieve, is now confused; What the heck just happened? Are you going through a phase? Why are you suddenly angry about stuff that was fine for so long? Did someone mess with your head?
Just to put it into a neutral context:
Illustrating example A
It's similar to people who believe that they are doing well in their careers. Good job, good salary, enough respect, happy and motivated. Then someone walks in and brags about how their salary is higher, holidays are longer, and working hours are more flexible. And you, who felt good about yourself and your achievements up to that point, suddenly feel like a loser. It's not helping that you don't know, whether that person really have all this. Only the picture of what it could be is enough to destroy your happiness, and your feeling of contentment about your professional achievements.
Illustrating example B
Imagine a student who receives their exam results and gets very upset because not all their grades are A+. They failed! If all the results in every subject are not A+ then they failed and it's not good enough and someone should be made responsible here!
So what do I recommend instead? Yes, those articles are out there, but read them as a suggestion, not as the absolute truth. The authors are describing THEIR vision of what they think you should do or achieve to be awarded A+.
I would also ask: Is A+ the only option for you and your children?
Would you be upset with your child if they get a C or B instead of an A+ in school?
Would you attack them by saying: “Don't you know what a good grade should be?” Would you say: “I read that it's not so difficult to get an A+ there are loads of students who got an A+. Why can you not produce an A+ for us to be proud of?”
Or you congratulate your child for passing their exams with the best achievable outcome. Would you give them a pat on the back and acknowledge that they did their best, did not throw in the towel when things got difficult, they powered through and that is what matters. Would you give them that chance to feel proud of the grade they achieved, rather than ashamed that they did not get A+.
Maybe the C is all they need to get into their chosen university or career, so the have achieved their goal - would you still be upset that they didn't get A+?
Remember: co-parenting should never be about you. It's not about ticking boxes, or showcasing your perfect co-parenting to the world, it's about providing a low conflict environment for the children.
If you are labelling yourselves (or each other) as bad co-parents, or you have an attitude that you have a bad co-parenting relationship, then it is your children who feel that THEY got a grade F.
If you have an attitude that you tried your best, it was the best co-parenting you were able to put together, then your children will feel proud of you and happy about themselves.
Learn to enjoy your C or B grade instead of beating yourself (or your co-parent) up over it: "I should have an A+ instead". Embrace what you have achieved, ignore what anyone else thinks you should have done.
To be clear, I am not saying that you should not try to educate yourself about co-parenting, but be sure to engage your critical reading skills - and yes, that applies to this blog as much as any other.
Articles on the internet are random. You don't know who wrote them or what their motivation is. Do they have an agenda? Are they writing from experience? Are the genuinely knowledgeable about how interpersonal relationships work? Or are they just an angry divorced parent venting about the failures in their own co-parenting relationship, and painting a rosy picture of how they think “it should be done”?
I would recommend that you read books instead of blogs (or social media). Books are reviewed before printing because the publisher must take some responsibility for the content. They are unlikely to publish someone's unsubstantiated opinion as a “rulebook for good co-parenting” as that could be seriously emotionally damaging for people who attempt to follow those rules, leaving the publisher liable. Internet hosts do not have that liability.
Every book is different though, and it can take time to find one that “speaks your language”. I will try to have a little overview of books I have been working through over the past 15 years here.
And please read my chapter about step-parent chat groups, and why you should be very wary of them.
And some other people, who have said the same:
Read more articles here:
- How "Good Co-parenting" is used to cover up the real intentions. Be careful what this person's real intentions are.
- Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.
- Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
- Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
- Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!
- Why mother of his children demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
- Should your co-parent talk to your partner? What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
- How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
- Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
- Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
- Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
- When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person.
- Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
- Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
- How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
- Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
- How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
- Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people.
- What about the grandparents?
- My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them?
- I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation?
No comments:
Post a Comment