When Storks are delivering babies : November 2022

Today I feel the need to write about my experience with mediating services and why co-parenting business is always personal.

To start with I have to admit that I was super sceptical about the whole idea. Over the past 2-3 years the mother of his son has been turning any attempt to: organise anything, or get arrangements agreed, or even something as trivial as choosing a handover point, into a huge display of her hurt feelings, and the unfairness of her situation.

For people who are reading for the first time: She and he decided to have a baby via a co-parenting agreement in their early forties. The first three years as two singletons sharing 50-50 were absolute bliss. They did all the parenting as a team. On their parenting-free days, they both dated other people but did not cohabit with any of them. Fast forward- one of those dates happens to be the person now writing this blog here. A couple of months before their son's 3rd birthday dad informed mum that he had met someone, and while mum claimed to be supportive of the dad's new relationship, the co-parenting relationship became more strained. About a year later the girlfriend moved in with dad. Mum lost her s***: said that dad “ruined everything they built over 3 years!” refused to co-parent and has been very emotional and super difficult to even parallel-parent from that day on.

All the co-parenting advisories are full of slogans like: “put your children first, love them more than you hate their dad”; “separate emotions from parenting goal”; “take a business-like approach, think of goals you need to achieve, the agreement you need to make”; “accept your situation”; “it takes a village to raise a child!”; “more people to love is better!”

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Especially in co-parenting situations. People who choose to have a child via co-parenting agreement do not need a village to raise that child. They made a calculated decision to have a child FOR THEMSELVES, they did not make children as part of a loving relationship which then failed, losing the support they used to have and leaving both feeling hurt. Those people both want to have maximum time with their child, as this child was made on purpose to fulfil a need in the parents. The last thing they need is to have even more people who want to love their child and “take a share of being in the parental role”.

And if one of the parents happens to be an emotionally-driven person, then telling that person to be rational, think business-like, and focus on parenting goals is like adding insults to injury. And if that person has a very strong need to have control over every aspect of their own life, as well as all the people around them, then there is no chance to keep emotions out of the equation or to not take it personally when other's plans to not conform to their wishes.

Research has shown some evidence that mothers who enter into this type of co-parenting scenario do not want to be in a business-like situation, they want a surrogate family for their child.

Referring back to our own experience, it was meant to be a modern family of three: mum, dad and their son in two homes. Dad “ruined it all” with his attempt to add a fourth person into the mix.

The only thing she was able to control was herself and her personal space. So she went into denial: she announced that dad's girlfriend is not allowed anywhere where she is. There will be no more joint birthdays, no more shared school parent's evenings, no more weekends at grandparents' or drinks in the garden. She suggested that once their son started school, dad should only have contact with his son one weekend a fortnight (Was she thinking: "he has a partner, so he doesn't need/deserve his son's company"?).

Stars aligned with dad and COVID happened. With covid, all the interactions were cut off anyway. Because schools were off, mum became desperate for childcare and she had to back off from her attempts to block dad as a hands-on parent. 50-50 remained as it always used to be. However, mum did start campaigning against dad for school and their common social network. She tried to block dad from being present at their son's first day of school, and she refused to share communications from the school, after-school clubs, etc with dad. Also, high-level coercive control occurred daily.

When covid restrictions were off, all the problems hit with full blast. Suddenly mum had a total memory loss about most things they used to agree about and after months of attempting to achieve any kind of parenting agreement dad had to take the legal route.

To our astonishment, mum agreed to mediation straight away.

Dad went to the first session (MIAM) with expectations that mum will only refuse all the proposals as she has been doing for 6 months. Alternatively, she will try to use the mediation sessions as a family therapy session to display her hurt and anger towards her son's dad.

Turns out that nothing like this happened. The mediator never put them in the same room. There was a session with dad where he explained why he composed the agreement based on how this has been the routine for the last 5-6 years.

Then the mediator had sessions with mum, where they spoke about all the points from that proposal. The mediator gave mum all the time needed to be as emotional as she wanted, to say whatever she wanted to get off her chest (yes, like talking to a therapist) but dad was not in the same room. Mum could not upset and anger dad with her words and her attitude. After she unloaded herself, she was able to discuss merits and concerns and the mediator gently guided her back to what might benefit their son, when she drifted away with how she needed to “put dad to his place”. In front of dad, mum would never be able to let go of her emotions and think about the practical side. Only seeing dad's face would trigger her to the point where her brain just turned off.

When it was dad's turn, the mediator did not discuss with dad any of the emotional aspects mother had worded during their sessions. The mediator only delivered points where mum agrees, what mum's proposals for amendments are, and what are the practical reasons behind them. Dad was kept unaware of all the insults. Because the mediator never repeated mums initial proposals that were triggered by anger and the urge to hurt, but only the final version that was written up in a non-emotional manner and with reasons, dad was able to accept modifications. To the point that they both agreed: we have a schedule for the next 12 months and we know where each other's boundaries are.

If a mediator were calling a meeting with both parents present, this agreement would never happen.

When it comes to our children when it comes to shared parenting, it's never business, it's personal. Even when you start with hope, it is just two people agreeing on how they will co-parent. They have no ambition to get emotional. They will write it all up before we deliver the baby, what could possibly go wrong!? Hundreds and hundreds of people are advertising themselves on those web pages and community pages that are set up for finding a co-parent.

There have been surveys and interviews with people who are chasing this dream and who managed to deliver a baby when agreeing to have a co-parenting business.

No co-parenting attempt so far has been succeeding to work as a business arrangement.

It's always personal, sooner or later.