Why your stepchild’s behaviour feels worse — even when others can’t see it

Your child and your stepchild are bickering, teasing, and getting on each other’s nerves.
Why your stepchild’s behaviour feels worse — even when others can’t see it

It’s very common in blended families for parents to feel that their stepchild is being meaner, harsher, or more intentional in conflicts — while their own child’s behavior feels “playful,” “immature,” or “not so bad.”

We truly believe we love our stepchildren as our own. We’re convinced we’re fair, that we don’t give our biological children an easier ride, and that we see everyone’s behaviour clearly. In fact, we’re so sure of this that when the children clash, we’re certain our stepchild’s behaviour is worse — and often, our friends and family agree.
But there are two traps in this kind of thinking.
The first is that our friends and family are our support network — they’re loyal to us and naturally take our side. Even our partner, the parent of the stepchild, might sometimes agree. Not necessarily because they see the same thing, but because they’ve left us in charge of parenting and don’t want to “get in the middle.” Agreeing can feel safer than risking tension or hearing, “If you disagree, you do the parenting.”
The second trap lies deeper — in our own brains and nervous systems. These are forces we can’t consciously control, and most of us aren’t even aware of how our body’s automatic responses quietly shape what we see and feel.
Let’s take a closer look at what our nervous system is really doing behind the scenes.

1. We See Our Own Children Through a Softer Lens

Our brains are wired to be more forgiving of people we feel deeply attached to — especially our own kids. This is called in-group bias. When our biological child teases, we instinctively assume they didn’t mean harm. But when a stepchild does the same thing, it can feel more personal or deliberate, even if it’s not.

This happens automatically and is influenced by how our brains process familiarity, safety, and emotional connection.

2. Protective Instincts Kick In

Parents are hardwired to protect their children. When there’s conflict, our instincts push us to defend our own. So if both children are involved, our brain quickly places our child in the “must protect” role and the stepchild in the “possible threat” role.

This isn’t logical — it’s emotional. It’s the brain’s old survival wiring at work.

3. Emotional Resonance Is Stronger With Our Own Kids

When we see our own child upset, our brains literally feel it more strongly. Studies show our “mirror neuron system” and empathy networks light up more intensely when we see people we’re bonded to in distress.

So, when your child cries or complains, it hurts more. When the stepchild does, you might feel less emotionally pulled — not because you care less, but because your brain doesn’t yet “mirror” them the same way.

4. Loyalty and Belonging Tensions

Blended families often carry quiet emotional tension around loyalty — “Am I allowed to be as upset with my child as with my partner’s?” or “Will my partner defend my child too?”

When those worries sit in the background, they can color how we interpret what’s happening. Blame or frustration can slide more easily toward the “other” child, simply because our minds are trying to reduce the discomfort of divided loyalty.

5. What Helps

Awareness itself changes things. Once you know these biases exist, you can slow down and reality-check your reactions:

Ask: “If my own child did this, would I feel the same way?”

Pause before labeling intent: Not every sharp tone or shove is “mean” — sometimes it’s frustration or insecurity.

Work on shared attachment: The more positive moments you have with your stepchild, the more your brain will start to include them in your emotional “in-group.”

Talk as co-parents, not just parents: Check each other gently — you might each see your own child’s behavior through a softer lens.

6. The Big Picture

Blended families don’t fail because of conflict — they grow through it.

The goal isn’t to feel the same about all the kids overnight; it’s to stay aware of our protective filters and keep working toward fairness and connection. Over time, emotional bonds can deepen and these perceptual gaps soften naturally.

Trauma Bonding and Negative Alliance in Separated Families

The Hidden Dynamics of Post-Separation Bonding

After a family separation, some parents experience a powerful need to preserve a close emotional alliance with their children. Driven by fear of loss or rejection, they may use phrases such as “We only have each other now” or “We’re the only ones who can trust each other.” In doing so, they attempt to secure the child’s loyalty and affection, sometimes worrying that their bond might be “stolen” by the other parent. While bonding through shared negativity or mistrust may bring a fleeting sense of closeness, it is in fact a fear-based attachment—one that traps both parent and child in a cycle of anxiety and divided loyalties. Recognising this pattern, which is rooted in trauma bonding dynamics, can help separated parents to rebuild safer, more authentic connections that nurture the child’s emotional independence and long-term wellbeing.

In high-conflict separations, children often find themselves caught in the emotional crossfire between two parents. While most parents want to protect their child from adult issues, some—often unintentionally—create emotional alliances with the child based on shared negative feelings toward the other parent.

This dynamic, described in books such as The Parallel Parenting Solution, resembles a form of trauma bonding—a psychological process where strong emotional attachment develops through cycles of stress, fear, and intermittent affection. Understanding this pattern can shed light on why certain separated parent-child relationships may look and feel like parental alienation, even when the underlying motivation is fear rather than malice.

Trauma Bonding: A Brief Overview

Trauma bonding occurs when an emotional connection is formed between people through repeated cycles of harm and reconciliation, fear and comfort. The bond is paradoxically strengthened by distress — the brain releases attachment hormones like oxytocin even in moments of conflict or fear, linking love and anxiety together.

In adults, trauma bonding is often seen in abusive or highly volatile relationships, where emotional intensity replaces stability. The same psychological forces, however, can appear in the parent–child dynamic—particularly in the emotionally charged context of separation or divorce.

When Negative Talk Becomes Emotional Glue

In some separated families, a parent might unintentionally “hoover” the child emotionally—drawing them closer through shared negativity about the other parent. This can take many subtle forms:

Exaggerating minor incidents (“Your dad forgot to call again—he never really cares, does he?”)

Framing oneself as a victim (“I try so hard, but your mum always makes things difficult for us.”)

Inviting sympathy or alliance (“You and I have to stick together, we’re the only ones who understand.”)

Subtle fear induction (“I just worry about you when you’re with her, she can be so careless.”)

At first, these comments may seem harmless or even protective. Yet they create a powerful bonding loop based on anxiety and loyalty. The child learns: to stay close to this parent, I must share their worries and dislikes. Over time, the child’s emotional attachment becomes tied to this shared “againstness” rather than genuine mutual care.

The Psychological Mechanics

This pattern mirrors trauma bonding because it involves:

Intermittent reinforcement – periods of warmth and closeness followed by emotional withdrawal if the child expresses positive feelings toward the other parent.

Emotional dependency – the child feels responsible for the parent’s emotional stability.

Fear-based attachment – the bond is strengthened by shared anxiety or anger rather than security.

Distorted perception – the targeted parent is seen through the lens of the emotionally dominant parent’s narrative.

Why Parents Fall Into This Pattern

It’s rarely intentional cruelty. Often, parents caught in this behaviour are driven by fear — fear of losing the child’s love, fear of being replaced, or fear of being judged as the “lesser” parent.

For parents with traits such as narcissistic sensitivity, high anxiety, or unresolved trauma, the child becomes a source of emotional reassurance. By securing the child’s loyalty through shared negative feelings, the parent temporarily calms their own insecurity. Unfortunately, this also deprives the child of the freedom to love both parents.

Why It Looks Like Parental Alienation

From the outside, this behaviour may resemble parental alienation, where a child rejects one parent due to the influence of the other. But in many cases, the underlying driver is not deliberate manipulation—it’s emotional fear and dependency.

The result, however, is the same: the child internalizes a split world, where loving one parent feels like betraying the other. Over time, this can cause confusion, guilt, and emotional distress, and the targeted parent may experience profound loss and frustration.

Healing and Prevention: Shifting From Fear to Safety

The path forward involves recognizing that true bonding is built not through shared fear or dislike, but through shared safety, curiosity, and respect. For separated parents, this means:

1. Keeping adult issues adult – resist sharing grievances or anxieties with the child.

2. Validating the child’s love for both parents – “It’s good that you had fun with Dad/Mum.”

3. Finding emotional support elsewhere – therapy, friends, or parenting groups can help manage insecurity without involving the child.

4. Parallel parenting structures – where direct communication is minimized and boundaries are clearer, can help prevent emotional spillover.

When a parent heals their own fear of loss, they free their child to form healthy, secure attachments with both parents.