You are trying desperately to convince yourself that you should not feel that way. (classical example of Cognitive Dissonance btw)
Cognitive dissonance theory.
You feel guilty, because you have no reason to feel jealousy, they do not display any signs of romantical or sexual interest towards each other. They are “just co-parenting amazingly” they have “friendly, supportive co-parenting”, and “they are doing it for their children”.
But you feel uncomfortable. Like a gooseberry, like you are the third wheel in your own family. And you find yourself questioning again and again: “Am I sharing my partner with another woman if their relationship is nonsexual, just family-focused?” And in secret you are asking yourself: “Is he putting me on the back burner and prioritising his previous relationship?” , or “Is his relationship with the mother of his children actually over?”
Is having sexual relationships between grown-ups the only determining factor as to where the line between family and not family lies? Of course not. What about a one-parent family where the parent is keeping their “adult relationships” outside of the family (because children are not ready, the parent is not ready, religious reasons, legal restrictions, not legally divorced, the list goes on). What about families where one or both partners can't have or don’t want to have sexual interactions? Those are still families. What about families where parents agree to have an “open relationship”? There are more examples, but you get the point. Family is not defined by: “woman and man who are continuing to have a sexual relationship”
More and more, it seems to be promoted within our society that separated parents should continue to act as one family, just in two different homes (or perhaps even sharing two halves of a semi-detached house). Thus allowing both parents to have independent sex lives, but aiming to keep all other aspects of family life as similar to pre-separation as possible. Those responsible for promoting this ideal named this type of arrangement “co-parenting” to avoid naming it openly poly-family. No-one really knows how another's co-parenting is working, and if new partners get involved they often find themselves in unexpected or confusing situations.
Types of Polyaffective Relationships: Nonsexual Intimacy
If we are refusing to admit that it is a poly-family model that separated parents are aiming for, then all members involved with the modern "friendly and inclusive co-parenting" will experience cognitive dissonance. Everything your partner is saying sounds good and correct and honourable, but somehow living in it makes you anxious, and uncomfortable. In a co-parenting support group, one woman said of her new relationship with a separated dad: "I feel like I have to modify information about my day-to-day family life that I share with my family and friends, because they would not understand or would get upset with me or my partner". She feels that when she describes it, it sounds “weird” but her new partner assures her that it is very normal for separated families. She is confused and can not understand what is "right" and what is "wrong". It's unlikely to achieve happiness when you don't know, where your family is, where the boundaries are and who are your family members. And if adults are unclear then children will feel unsettled too.
Unclear boundaries such as this can cause children to wonder:
- Why is mum living with that man if she is doing everything with dad?
- Why can not mum and dad live together if they are doing everything together, discussing everything together, sharing their time and money and jokes and secrets with each other?
- Who is dad's partner? Mum, because he is making all the decisions with her and attends all the family events with her, or his wife who is sharing a house and bed with him?
It will confuse and unsettle children, because they cannot understand the “chain of command” as it seems to be changing all the time. Or because “our family” sometimes describes: mum, dad and children who are not living together; and sometimes it describes the children with one parent and her/his new partner.
Confusion is the reason for anxiety or frustration (anger) and these feelings will lead to problems between people, problems with mental heath, problems with behaviour, and antisocial tendencies.
Adults are equally affected. The majority of co-parenting and blended family problems are directly caused by confusion arising from:
- Why is my partner acting with their ex like they are still family? They are separated!
- Why do they have to go and hang out for co-parenting?
- My partner keeps telling me that they are not family anymore, that we are family, but he/she is sharing all our personal information with the ex, discussing all the plans with the ex first, or allowing the ex to veto our plans, or change plans we made?
- Why, in order to be in a relationship with someone who is co-parenting, should I have to act like a side piece who has to just accept that someone else made decisions about our family time, budget, activities, holidays, and duties? Aren't we family now? Aren't they separated?
- Why is my partner upset that I and the mother of my children discussed and agreed to swap weekends so I can have my children with us during our weekend trip? Children are my family!
- Why is my ex upset that I don't want to stay at their house for the night to look after the children when she is out? Why can't I take them to my home? My wife is their family too.
- Why should my ex consult with their new partner before giving me an answer? We are parents, and new partners should not have any say in our family decisions!
When one enters into a relationship with the expectation that they will form a family with a person who has children but is not cohabiting with the other parent, then there are certain expectations: We are making decisions; other people will not get involved with our day-to-day life.
When one hears a statement that they are co-parenting then there is an expectation for:
- business-like involvement where rules and expectations are agreed upon and followed.
- uncle-auntie style friendly but respectful for personal space.
In reality, it is almost never like this. The reality is that the new person is expected to be part of a previously formed family, but the rules are not spoken or not labelled. Or the rules are presented but in “socially acceptable form” which leads to misunderstanding, unrealistic expectations, confusion and loads of negative emotions.
Those confusions could be avoided or easy to answer if we are honest enough to admit: you got involved with a poly-family. Then the new person knows exactly what to expect and can make a decision whether that setting will be acceptable for them or not.
Outside of co-parenting dilemma, we can understand that no one will appreciate when their partner is hiding the real extent of their lifestyle. For example describing themselves as:
- “adventurous and not vanilla in the bedroom” but when moving in you find that you are expected to take part or as a minimum, to host swingers’ parties in your house.
- “letting their hair down every now and again” and when moving in you discover that it means being drunk every single evening.
- “someone who can appreciate friends and friendships” and when moving in you find that they are out with friends, or they are occupying your home and emptying your fridge every single day.
It should be easy to understand, that if your partner is saying that "they are co-parenting" you would not picture another woman being part of your day-to-day life. You won't picture his ex to be the person who needs to be consulted about any decision you are making. You won't imagine finding that your lawn is not mowed because your other half is too busy mowing the lawn in his ex's house "for his children", or because his children's needs for good living standards in both homes are his responsibility because he is the dad.
The reality is that people do hide their real motivations and their real lifestyles. Maybe because at a subconscious level, they are aware that this is extreme for most people's standards. Maybe because they are aware that if the potential partner would know the extent of the eccentricity, this person would not agree to start a relationship. Maybe because poly-affective relationship is still a criminal offence in numerous countries when exactly the same lifestyle itself is perfectly accepted by officials when called: co-parenting. list of countries
That means: it is on YOU, who is invited to start a relationship with a person in a co-parenting situation, to work out what is the real situation with the so-called friendly co-parenting. Your partner will likely deny that they are attempting to run two families, just under a socially acceptable name (co-parenting). If you bring it up with them, you will get gaslighted (it's not what you think it is) (it's only in your head, no one else can see anything weird about our friendly co-parenting, only you and your insecurities). Or outright verbally attacked: "How could you blame us like that! You should be ashamed of yourself! If you can not accept that exes can be friends, then leave!" (That is the ticked you should take. Leave now! Person who will attack you when their behaviours are challenged, becomes an abuser in intimate relationships.)
The rule of thumb is: take time and observe. Taking notes is highly recommended too. Our memory has a habit to remember only events that are supporting what we would like to see. When in love, we only want to see positive sides, however small they are, and we are happy to ignore big significant red flags. If we are writing up everything, then we are not filtering out things that are uncomfortable. (yes, we are forgetting them straight after writing them up and only will think and talk about the positive things that we also wrote up that day). Only when reading back what you noticed, felt surprised, your feelings, questions, and how often the same theme is occurring can give you a relatively accurate picture of what you are getting yourself into. However, there will always be people who are choosing to write up only positive things and not anything negative (they have many excuses to do so) or reading back their notes they are still choosing to call those occurring red flag events “not important, this was then and he said he will change now”. For those people we have to admit that we all are choosing our path. Choosing not to follow advice is a choice.
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/polyamorous-parenting-the-surprising-benefits-of-the-ultimate-modern-family/
https://www.moms.com/platonic-parenting-explained/
If you want to know how real life people who did choose to be a member of a modern polyaffective sub-family, are managed to make it work for themselves, please read their blog: (https://stepmomming.com/co-parenting-well-sharing-the-kids-or-sharing-your-husband/)
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