Communication Examples 2 - How Often Should a Parent Call When the Children Are with the Other Parent?

I recently came across an article on thedivorcecentre.com.au discussing the challenges of co-parenting when one parent constantly demands information about what’s happening in the other household. There are incessant text requests: “Are they awake? What time did they go to bed? Have they had breakfast? What are you planning to do today? Send me pictures. Has little Sam got sun cream on?” They make intrusive phone calls or FaceTime every morning and evening—or worse, insist on reading a bedtime story, singing a lullaby, or performing the entire bedtime routine, all supposedly “for the children’s sake, of course.”

They fail to recognise how unsettling and often distressing this constant interference can be for the children, who feel upset not because they are in the other parent’s house, but because of these daily interruptions. Yet, they counter with, “What kind of loving parent doesn’t want to know what their children are doing while they’re away?”

thedivorcecentre.com.au  "Stop contacting me, it’s my custody time!"

Remember, you understand how destructive this behaviour is, but the person acting this way does not. And most likely, they do not want to know. Not every parent can overcome their own needs to prioritise their children's needs. If your co-parent were mentally healthy, you would not have this problem in the first place and would not have any serious issues (just minor disagreements because you are different people who are not suited for each other). Most people facing this problem have several other issues with their co-parent as well. You are dealing with an emotionally broken person. You cannot fix that person (exhibit 1 for why you cannot be together), and you cannot change how they behave (exhibit 2 for why you cannot be together). Any attempt to "educate" your co-parent would only exacerbate the conflict.

If you have a child from a no-relationship situation (as is the case in our co-parenting situation), then you have no opportunity to learn who the person is with whom you have to start co-parenting.

If your children are from a relationship (marriage), then clearly that person has changed so much that you are no longer capable of co-working.

Is there a non-conflict solution?

You have a couple of options. The first and probably easiest is what was recommended in that article: it is really important to set boundaries with compassion. The aim is not to increase your ex’s stress, because if they become more anxious, unsettled, angry, or confrontational, their emotional health will deteriorate, and as a result, both you and your children will suffer.

In many ways, we need to stop viewing them as fully functioning, equal adults. We must learn to see them as dysfunctional, perhaps even emotionally disabled people, and adjust our expectations accordingly. You wouldn’t expect a disabled person to behave rationally, and you wouldn’t punish or take them to court. It would be pointless, as neither of these actions would change that person. Instead, you set achievable expectations.

Explain your expectations, boundaries, and immediate consequences calmly, clearly, and simply in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation, and remain consistent. Do not think, "My co-parent did not cause trouble last week, let’s not be so strict now, surely they have learned their lesson!" They only stopped because of your clear boundaries. If you remove those boundaries, the previous problems will return.

So how do you do that?

If you receive a text from your ex saying “How are the kids?” you should reply ONCE and ONCE ONLY. Reply with, “The kids are fine, I will get them to FaceTime you at 11 am tomorrow. ” If your ex tries to call or text you further, do not respond. You have given them reassurance that the kids are fine and that they will get to talk to them later to hear about their day. This sets boundaries, indicating that it is your parenting time, in a polite, courteous way. Do this each day: reply ONLY ONCE, confirming the kids are OK and that they will call them later.

The result will be that your ex will refrain from continuously texting or calling as they know you will only respond once with confirmation that the kids are OK and will provide an opportunity for them to talk to the kids later.

By setting and maintaining these clear boundaries, you create a stable and predictable environment for your children. This stability is crucial for their emotional well-being, as it helps them feel secure knowing that both parents can manage their own emotions and interactions responsibly. It also reduces the tension and conflict that can arise from constant, unnecessary communication, making the co-parenting relationship more manageable and less stressful for everyone involved.

If your co-parent is one of those people whose separation anxiety is stronger than their common sense, then you need a very calm and collected approach. 

First: Know your children. How old are they? What is their personality type?  How emotional are they? Are they easily distracted? 

Second: Know your co-parent (Yes, they are nut-job, but let's see what they are doing) Focus on actions, not motivations. How do they usually present their separation anxiety?  Are they requesting information too often? Are they requesting information that you feel they should not have reason to ask for?

Are they more interested in having access to children (asking to give the phone to children) or they are aiming to get information from you? 

If they have conversations with children, how does that affect children's mood? Are they sad/unsettled that day after the call?

1. Why Co-parenting is always full of conflicts and never friendly or business like, as we imagined at the beginning.

If your co-parent is more interested in holding on to conversation with you. Trying to get you into constant "information sharing" you can use the example above.
If they are insisting on having calls with your children, then please read the next chapters, where I am trying to give ideas how to solve this in minimal conflict. Chapters are based on children's ages: 1-Babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  2- Young children before they have their own phones  3-Children with their own phones.

Read more articles here:

1. It is not possible to "have an accident baby" or "become a parent unplanned". No baby can be born without a mum choosing to have a baby.
2. Why is the mother of his child so high in conflict?
3. Why should the Ex feel hurt? They were the ones who walked out of their marriage!   
4. Why ex demands "family time" when dad has a new relationship?
5.  Should your co-parent talk to your partner?  What is the "silent treatment" in a stepfamily situation?
6. How ignoring some of the so-called "The Good Co-parent" rules can be a good thing for your children's mental health
7.  Why does reading about how good co-parenting should look, usually will make things worse for you.
8. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 1 and 2
9. Co-parenting myths. Myth nr 3 and 4
10. When we should not "open our children's eyes" to let them see, that the other parent is a bad person. 
11. Coercive control after separation and in co-parenting situations.
12. Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans
13. Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?
14. How to have successful calls/facetime with babies and young children.
15. Co-parenting or a Polyaffective sub-family? What I am getting myself into here?
16. How the "not residential parent" could successfully get information from children's school.
17. Should you meet the mother of his children? Why those meetups are so important to the large number of people. 
18. What about the grandparents? 
19. My partner's family and friends are talking about the woman with whom he has children. Why do they have to? Am I disrespected by them? 
20. I am trying to do the right thing. Reading all the information I can find. Why I am still failing with the co-parenting situation?