Communication is the absolute most important part of co-parenting. We can hear that all the time wherever co-patenting is discussed. Because of this, loads of people got the impression that communication must be frequent and you have to communicate with the other parent a lot to have “a good co-parenting relationship.
It's ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY to talk all the time, share information frequently and go back and forward about parenting “talking about children”
It's ABSOLUTELY NOT about how often you communicate, it's all about HOW YOU COMMUNICATE.
If all the adults involved enjoy those meetings and conversations- of course, please do. You found a way to communicate and everyone is enjoying the method.
Unfortunately, not all separated parents are able to enjoy frequent meetings and discussions. Then you should not force yourself to do so only because “an article about good parenting said we have to communicate.”
You have to remember, it's all about - how we communicate.
Communication examples - coordinating plans:
“I don't want to report to my co-parent about my plans”
“It makes me so angry that co-parent has control over my life”
“It feels like I have to get their permission for anything I would like to do with my child”
It is emotionally very difficult for one-half of the population to coordinate and make agreements and schedules because everything feels like control. Here a simple google calendar will be a saviour.
As you already have an email account set up for communications you can add a shared google calendar to it.
There are a number of different ways for a layout to be set it up. People will prefer different layouts.
Some people are better at setting those things up and can create their own.
For people who are not so computer literate, I am happy to share our template.
You can see each hour where the child will be. Colour coordinated for mum, dad and school(nursery) and hobbies(after-school clubs). It will calculate automatically how many hours each parent does in months. Easy to track, no arguments needed who does how much.
School holidays marked.
Planned holidays with each patent marked.
You can add comments that will show a red/orange triangle in the corner.
We have an agreement that all proposals (things planned or hoping to plan) will go to the calendar. That means we are happy to work on a first come- first serve basis.
Mum is very keen on planning everything up to two years ahead. She can get all her plans on the calendar and does not have to have this frustration about: “I did tell you we are going on holiday on those dates, why didn't you remember?” because dad can not forget anymore, it's there- in the calendar.
Dad is the last-minute planner who likes to call himself “spontaneous”. He doesn't have any frustration about it. I got an amazing idea but I can not buy tickets/book anything, because I have to check with mum. Didn't I forget something that was already planned for that week/day. Why can’t she reply to my information request asap? Now, dad is opening his phone, has a look at the calendar and has all those answers immediately.
When one parent is going on holiday with their child, another parent wants information about where they are going and details.
For some people it's extremely difficult to provide because it is allowing the other parent to parent you, you feel controlled. (it's traditionally a child-parent dynamic where the child is obliged to provide information to the parent about where they are and for how long and when they will be back home).
Typing this information into a google calendar, instead of sending it to the other parent can be huge emotional relief. You are not reporting to the other parent. You are typing up a reminder for yourself, for your calendar. And now it's the other parent’s duty to collect information that is made available.
Seems like the same thing? One parent writes information up and another parent is reading it. But the fact that you are not sending information to the other parent, now it is up to them to collect information. You are simply recording it in a neutral location ( a google calendar) and the other parent, who wants information, has to go and get it from the place you left it. I can make an enormous difference emotionally.
As we are in a High Conflict co-parenting situation, we can not be flexible. The schedule is confirmed for 6 months ahead. Any proposal (would like to take holiday, attend family functions or anything that needs childcare or usual rolling rota adjustments) has to go to the calendar before it's agreed (6 months ahead) and then it's kinda like calling dibs on certain dates. Anything shorter notice has to get agreed upon by the co-parent before adjustments in the calendar can be made. Nothing is agreed upon before it's in the calendar and the update is sent to the co-parent and the co-parent acknowledged it with “OK” or whatever comment is available at that point (HC situation).
Revising every December, May and August for proposals that came in later and making adjustments if an agreement is achieved.
This type of calendar will equally handy when things are not so tense and HC and things are changing with shorter notice time. Then it's more likely to miss something in loads of messages in style: “Hi, can you swap this for me” and “Hi kids would like to go to XYZ next Wednesday, don't forget that”. When loads of messages at random times of the day are going in and out between all the adults involved.
Read more articles here: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/
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