When she chose to get pregnant with the man who is now your partner, she had a plan. Her plans depended on that man. The birth mother is actually reliant on your partner and his actions.
It doesn’t matter what she says.
She might claim that, as the mother, she will decide what happens. But in her heart, she knows that she can only "allow" and "decide" if the father gives her that privilege. She knows that her behaviour is against the law, like parking in a no-parking zone and hoping not to get caught. Why do so many fathers allow this? That’s what I’m addressing here.
The birth mother might argue that it’s the father’s duty, and she doesn't care, as he got himself into this situation by having unprotected sex. But deep down, she knows that she wouldn't have continued with the pregnancy without believing that this man would support her for the rest of her life. Even women who say, “I’m going to have this baby whether you like it or not” do so because they know that if the man chooses not to be physically present, he will still be made to pay child support. It’s highly unlikely that a man would remain unemployed for the rest of his life to avoid child support. Men who are accused of doing so would likely be unemployed regardless of whether they have children. They are unemployed due to substance misuse, laziness, or avoiding taxes – issues far more significant than child support.
She might present herself as a fully independent single mother who doesn’t need the father. However, she lives in constant fear that her children will discover her true nature – a twisted, bitter person. She fears they will choose their father (and their stepmother) over her.
When she got pregnant, she envisioned a future co-parenting with this man. Perhaps they even planned it together. But neither of them could accept that co-parenting, like parenting within a stable relationship, cannot be planned. Naturally, she is now disappointed. People handle disappointment differently, and many respond with anger. How they manage this anger and how long it lasts depends on the emotional maturity of everyone involved – mum, dad, their partners, their parents, and friends. Are they going to vent on social media and worsen the situation?
Why seeking advice and support on social media is extremely dangerous and damaging for your co-parenting situation is discussed in this post.
How can you cope with this woman? She expresses her disappointment through anger. How would you deal with an angry toddler?
You would let the toddler calm down without trying to discipline them in the midst of their anger.
If they can’t calm down and start to lash out, you would restrain them.
But you wouldn’t take it personally. You wouldn’t think, “How dare this toddler kick off at me! It wasn’t me who caused their disappointment, it’s just life.” You wouldn’t expect the toddler to be more mature and handle it better. It’s life; they have to get used to it. That’s precisely what happens if you do XYZ.
Remember, a mother who acts like a toddler has the emotional maturity of a toddler. You cannot expect her to handle the situation better; she lacks the capability.
There’s no point in being angry with the father for not choosing a better co-parent. The vast majority of co-parenting agreements are made between people who have known each other for a relatively short time or have been getting to know each other through messages, video calls, and dates. There’s no chance to truly learn who the other person is before embarking on the co-parenting journey. You can’t know their personal traits and emotional maturity levels.
We know how to restrain a toddler. How do we manage an angry co-parent? It’s called setting boundaries. You can Google “how to set healthy boundaries when co-parenting” and find plenty of information. Unfortunately, not all of it is written by knowledgeable people. If you can afford it, buy a book, or go to the library and borrow one.
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