Potential co-parents are drafting up a co-parenting plan with statements: “Mum and dad will agree that….”
How mum's interpreting that statement:
"We will discuss things that are not easy to decide. We are bouncing ideas on-off each other and helping each other to consider points the other one may have forgotten to think about.
I am the mother and I know better what is best for my child as I was the one who carried her and grave births. With this agreement, dad is showing that he can understand that and he is not going to challenge my decisions in future."
How dad is interpreting that statement:
" We will discuss things that are not easy to decide. We are bouncing ideas on-off each other and helping each other to consider points the other one may have forgotten to think about.
Mum is lucky because she does not have the “emotional burden” and I will help her to see what is the best decision for our child. As we agreed, she will not make any decisions I am not happy about."
As in a book about the journey to platonic co-parenting it's author is describing: Route to co-parenting is like any other relationship. You are connecting via a "dating" app, getting to know each other over the length of time you BOTH are happy with (and that is the first compromise you need to make because 99% of the time one of two would like to start with baby making far sooner than the other one is ready) and as in any other dating, people are PRETENDING to be in agreement with each other's preferences in order to achieve their goal- a baby.
We agree to have dads or mums or double-barreled last names thinking it's not important enough to argue and sabotage potential baby-making.
When it's time to register the births, they will reveal their true feelings because now … well it's safe to argue, they already got the baby.
They might agree that dad will do all the doctor appointments and will be in the births, but when the time arrives, mum will go to the hospital and will give birth without involving dad, because she realised she doesn't feel comfortable with a man looking at her private parts when she is in very undignified conditions.
They might agree that mum will be the main carer and dad will visit “as often as he can” but when baby arrives, mum realises that she has not enough sleep and blames dad for not stepping up. Or dad will change his mind and will ask for taking the baby to his house, away from mum's direct supervision.
They believe that they will share all the baby-related expenses and soon discover that what one of them believes is a necessary expense is not that for the other one and conflict will fire immediately.
One of the connection mistakes they are making is the idea that they agreed on how their dating life will go.
When they can expect each other to follow their agreed rules, now they are making rules for a third person. The idea that they will rule a third party's life, their dos and don'ts and let's be honest- the third person's dating life and the third person relationship is a road to hell paved with good intentions.
Let me explain. You CAN make a rule: you are not allowed to date anyone who doesn't want to obey my rules and take directions about their personal life from me, because I have a child with you.
Yes, you absolutely can. Like you made all the other rules and restrictions for the person with whom you entered into a co-parenting relationship.
You are giving your co-parent direct instructions on who they can date and with whom they are allowed to get into a relationship with. If the other parent is in agreement that you will have restrictions on who you can or can not date, it's up to you TWO. But it will not apply to that THIRD person. You have no jurisdiction to approach that third person with the agreement you have between you two. It's up to them how they will build their relationship with your co-parent. The third person might not want to have any part of it at all. They might have their relationship with your co-parent absolutely separate from you and your child and you can not demand that they will enter into your co-parenting dynamic as an extension. Sorry, out of your control.
And last but foremost: remember, like you changed your mind about how many hours you want to have parenting time/ they can change their mind about who they will date.
No comments:
Post a Comment