Exploring the deeper feelings behind wanting to be called "Mum"
(CBT-informed reflection)
In blended families, it’s not uncommon for some women to want their partner’s children to call them “mum,” “stepmum,” or “bonus mum.” On the surface, this might seem like a natural desire to feel included. But it can be helpful to gently explore what’s happening beneath the surface—especially when this desire becomes emotionally charged or persistent.
One common driver behind this longing is unacknowledged jealousy or comparison. These feelings don’t make someone a bad person—they’re simply human. But if left unexamined, they can shape thoughts and behaviours in unhelpful ways.
1. Core belief: “I’m not enough unless I’m equal or better.”
Many women in blended families carry a hidden belief that unless they’re seen as just as important as the children’s biological mother—or even more so—they’re not fully valued in the family. This belief can lead to automatic thoughts like:
“If I were truly accepted, they’d call me mum.”
“She gets the recognition just because she was there first.”
“I do just as much—I should be seen the same way.”
These thoughts often stir up comparison, and underneath that comparison is often a need for validation.
2. Cognitive distortion: “If I don’t have the title, I’m being rejected.”
When someone places emotional weight on being called “mum,” it can sometimes signal black-and-white thinking—believing that without the title, they’re being excluded, disrespected, or not acknowledged. This kind of thinking can fuel anxiety, frustration, or a sense of injustice.
3. Emotional triggers: jealousy and rivalry
Even in peaceful co-parenting situations, feelings of rivalry may still appear. The biological mother may seem to “own” a space in the family that feels out of reach. The new partner may feel as though she's constantly being measured against that, whether by the kids, the partner, or even herself.
That jealousy might not always be conscious — but it often shows up in behaviours such as:
Over-involvement (trying too hard to bond with the children)
Needing constant reassurance from the partner
Passive resentment towards the biological mother
A fixation on “winning” small symbolic things — like who makes better cakes, does better hairstyles, or throws better birthday parties.
4. Behavioural loop: chasing a title to ease inner discomfort
The more someone fixates on a title, the more emotionally invested they become in the outcome. This often backfires:
Children may feel pressured or manipulated
The biological mother may feel disrespected
The stepmum may feel increasingly rejected if the title is not used in everyday communication.
This creates a painful feedback loop: the title becomes a proxy for emotional security, but chasing it can deepen the very insecurities it was meant to soothe.
5. Unhelpful assumption: “If I don’t have what she had, I’m less than.”
This assumption often hides behind feelings of competition. It’s a subtle but powerful narrative: that to be worthy, the stepmum must “match or exceed” what the ex-partner had—especially in the eyes of the children or her partner.
But this thinking keeps self-worth tied to comparison, not connection. And true bonds with children aren’t formed through titles—they’re formed through patience, consistency, and respect.
Reframing the Desire
Rather than asking, “Why won’t they call me mum?”, it can be more helpful to ask:
“What am I hoping that title will give me emotionally?”
“Is there a part of me that feels unseen, and can I express that differently?”
“Am I acting from connection—or competition?”
This kind of self-inquiry isn’t about blame—it’s about gently noticing when old patterns or painful beliefs are running the show. With awareness comes choice. You can build a meaningful place in your partner’s family without needing to “win” a title to prove your worth.
You’re already enough. The rest will come with time and trust. Titles are lovely when they come naturally, but they’re not the only way to be important in a child’s life. 💛
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