I'd like to share a moment of unexpected clarity I had about the complexities of blame and responsibility.
At the start of my relationship, I found myself struggling with a deep resentment towards my stepson’s mother. She had deceived my partner—who was not more than a casual online date at the time—by claiming she was infertile and that there was no need for protection. Unsurprisingly, she became pregnant almost immediately. My now-boyfriend told me that she later admitted to him that she had no actual reason to think she is infertile, which only reinforced my view of her actions as a calculated attempt to trap an "unsuspecting poor man" into a lifelong co-parenting arrangement, driven solely by her desire to have a child.
However, one day a seemingly mundane incident made me rethink this perspective. I overheard my partner amusing himself with a scam call, playing along with the caller’s false promises before eventually confronting them and hanging up. Watching him effortlessly see through the scammer’s lies made me question why he hadn’t exercised similar caution when confronted with the woman’s dubious claim.
This realisation was a turning point. Cognitive-behavioural psychology teaches us to examine our thought patterns and challenge our automatic responses. My anger had been misdirected; I had placed all the blame on the mother, assuming she was solely responsible for the situation. Yet my partner, too, had made choices—he chose to believe her without question and engaged in unprotected sex without verifying such a significant claim. It was not just her deception at play; it was also his lack of critical thinking and his willingness to accept the word of someone he had just met online.
In cognitive-behavioural terms, I had fallen into a "blame bias," focusing solely on the external source of the problem rather than acknowledging shared responsibility. This insight helped me reframe my frustration, recognising that accountability lay on both sides. No matter how manipulated we may feel in our choices, they ultimately remain our own.
This epiphany led me to a broader realisation about societal attitudes. When a woman lies about her fertility or contraception, the blame narrative often centres on her. It quickly becomes a story of a deceitful woman ensnaring an innocent man, while the man's role is overlooked or minimised. There’s a tendency, especially among women, to sympathise with the man and vilify the "lying woman," ignoring a fundamental truth: in these scenarios, both parties bear responsibility.
In most other contexts, when someone falls victim to a scam, society doesn't solely blame the scammer. We also question why the victim failed to take precautions. Whether it’s sharing bank details with a phishing caller or signing a dubious contract, the law acknowledges that while the scammer is at fault, personal responsibility also comes into play. People are expected to exercise caution before parting with their money, property, or other assets.
Yet when it comes to unprotected sex and pregnancy, this sense of shared accountability seems to falter. In the UK and across much of Europe, if a man willingly engages in unprotected sex and a pregnancy results—even under false pretences—there is no legal recourse against the woman. The courts view the situation as one of shared responsibility: the man is seen as accountable for where he chooses to deposit his sperm. It’s a stark reminder that, like any other personal asset, sperm should be given with caution and intentionality.
This double standard reflects a broader societal tendency to infantilise men, portraying them as lacking the maturity or discernment to be fully accountable for their choices. It is time we challenge this narrative. Men are not passive participants; they have the agency to question, verify, and make informed decisions. Blaming only the woman fails to recognise that men, too, have the power and responsibility to protect themselves.
Ultimately, accountability in these situations must be shared. Both partners should engage in honest communication and take ownership of their actions. Maturity in relationships requires making conscious, informed choices and acknowledging that responsibility lies with both parties, rather than shifting blame onto others when faced with undesirable outcomes.
A man who becomes a father because he didn’t use protection is no wiser than a pedestrian who ends up in a wheelchair because they won't check whether it was safe to cross the road
https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2025/02/a-man-who-becomes-father-because-he.html?m=1
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