When Dad Goes “All Business"
Co-parenting after separation is one of the hardest challenges any parent can face. Many mothers long to stay connected through conversation — sharing stories about their child’s day, weighing up after-school activities, negotiating holidays, discussing bedtimes, swapping photos. It feels natural, even essential. They want this kind of connection to last. They believe that is good co-parenting. Even if the relationship itself is strained, communication about the children feels like it must remain open.
Then reality sets in: Dad only replies with short, factual messages. He keeps it brief, businesslike — sometimes even cold. For many mothers this feels unbearable. The thought creeps in: “If he doesn’t want to talk to me, perhaps he doesn’t care about our child either.”
But the truth is very different.
What BIFF really means.
BIFF — Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm — is a communication style many separated dads adopt. It can sound cold, but it isn’t a sign of disinterest in the children. More often, it’s about self-protection.
Long, reflective messages can feel overwhelming or confrontational to dads. Men are often wired to see communication as information exchange rather than emotional sharing. When faced with lengthy texts — full of worries, feelings or reflections — Dad may read them as criticism, guilt-tripping, or attempts to pull him back into old conflicts.
For him, short and factual replies feel like the safest way to stay civil. In other words: BIFF is about managing conflict, not about loving the children less.
Why Emotional Pressure Backfires
When mothers push for more emotional sharing — through long texts, repeated requests for discussion, angry accusations, or appeals for closeness — it usually backfires.
Pressure triggers withdrawal. Dad feels attacked, so he shuts down.
Demands for openness or personal updates can feel like an attempt to re-enter the old relationship.
The result is Dad retreats further, leaving Mum feeling even more invisible.
Instead of creating closeness, pressure deepens distance.
Good Co-Parenting Doesn’t Require Emotional Sharing
It's different what we want and what we need. Here’s the crucial point: healthy co-parenting does not depend on emotional intimacy between parents.
You don’t need late-night phone calls, private jokes, or updates about personal lives to raise a child well. What children need most is clear, predictable, respectful communication.
That means being:
Factual about schedules, school, and routines.
Clear about responsibilities.
Consistent, so the child feels secure.
When parents try to chase emotional connection, it often stirs up old wounds: rejection from the breakup, guilt about “failing” the family, or overcompensating with the child. The healthier approach is calm, clear, businesslike communication — focused on the child, not the past.
It may feel less comforting than emotional closeness, but it is safer and more effective.
The Trap of Blaming the “New Partner”
Another common reaction is assuming: “This isn’t really him. His new partner must be stopping him from talking to me the way he used to.”
Understandable — but dangerous.
When Mum blames the new partner:
Dad sees it as jealousy and withdraws further.
The stepmother feels attacked, creating more tension.
Mum risks looking as though she is interfering in Dad’s new life.
The reality is usually simple: BIFF is Dad’s choice, not his partner’s control. He wants boundaries. He wants safety. Blaming someone else only fuels conflict.
The Healthier Shift: Be BIFF Yourself
Instead of seeing BIFF as rejection, adopt the same approach yourself.
Keep messages brief and clear.
Stick to what’s informative and child-focused.
Be friendly, but neutral.
Stay firm without blame.
Doing this will:
1. Protect you from disappointment when long, emotional messages go unanswered.
2. Put you on equal ground, in a style Dad feels safe with.
3. Keep the focus on your child, not the old relationship.
Long, reflective messages can feel overwhelming or confrontational to dads. Men are often wired to see communication as information exchange rather than emotional sharing. When faced with lengthy texts — full of worries, feelings or reflections — Dad may read them as criticism, guilt-tripping, or attempts to pull him back into old conflicts.
For him, short and factual replies feel like the safest way to stay civil. In other words: BIFF is about managing conflict, not about loving the children less.
Why Emotional Pressure Backfires
When mothers push for more emotional sharing — through long texts, repeated requests for discussion, angry accusations, or appeals for closeness — it usually backfires.
Pressure triggers withdrawal. Dad feels attacked, so he shuts down.
Demands for openness or personal updates can feel like an attempt to re-enter the old relationship.
The result is Dad retreats further, leaving Mum feeling even more invisible.
Instead of creating closeness, pressure deepens distance.
Good Co-Parenting Doesn’t Require Emotional Sharing
It's different what we want and what we need. Here’s the crucial point: healthy co-parenting does not depend on emotional intimacy between parents.
You don’t need late-night phone calls, private jokes, or updates about personal lives to raise a child well. What children need most is clear, predictable, respectful communication.
That means being:
Factual about schedules, school, and routines.
Clear about responsibilities.
Consistent, so the child feels secure.
When parents try to chase emotional connection, it often stirs up old wounds: rejection from the breakup, guilt about “failing” the family, or overcompensating with the child. The healthier approach is calm, clear, businesslike communication — focused on the child, not the past.
It may feel less comforting than emotional closeness, but it is safer and more effective.
The Trap of Blaming the “New Partner”
Another common reaction is assuming: “This isn’t really him. His new partner must be stopping him from talking to me the way he used to.”
Understandable — but dangerous.
When Mum blames the new partner:
Dad sees it as jealousy and withdraws further.
The stepmother feels attacked, creating more tension.
Mum risks looking as though she is interfering in Dad’s new life.
The reality is usually simple: BIFF is Dad’s choice, not his partner’s control. He wants boundaries. He wants safety. Blaming someone else only fuels conflict.
The Healthier Shift: Be BIFF Yourself
Instead of seeing BIFF as rejection, adopt the same approach yourself.
Keep messages brief and clear.
Stick to what’s informative and child-focused.
Be friendly, but neutral.
Stay firm without blame.
Doing this will:
1. Protect you from disappointment when long, emotional messages go unanswered.
2. Put you on equal ground, in a style Dad feels safe with.
3. Keep the focus on your child, not the old relationship.
The Takeaway
A businesslike style of communication doesn’t mean Dad doesn’t love his children. It simply means he no longer shares emotional intimacy with you — which is entirely normal after separation.
He can still love, laugh with, and cherish his children, while choosing to keep his communication with you short and factual.
If you’re longing for more connection, remember: pressing harder with anger, blame, or rivalry will only drive him further away. Step into BIFF yourself.
It may not feel warm, but it brings something more valuable:
Equality.
Clearer communication.
Less disappointment.
And, most importantly, a child who grows up with two parents who cooperate — even if they no longer love one another.
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