In the beginning, we all are trying to achieve the mystical perfect co-parenting. But what if it's not possible? What if we are met with a situation when we only can not do the "good co-parenting" whatever that is. What does that mean for the children we are focusing on?
I moved in with my partner after 2 years of dating. When the mother of my partner's son realised that I was here to stay, I was actually living with the father of her son, she found the new reality too much to accept. Her solution for reducing her emotional pain was that Dad had to “hide me”.
Mum said she would forbid me to “show up” anywhere she goes, not to be in the car when Dad is going to pick up their son, Not to be seen during school pickups, after-school clubs, school events, or whatever other child-related events. Mum stated that only bio-parents can be seen with their son.
Mum stated that she would not allow me to be in the car with Dad and his son when Dad was doing handovers. If I do not obey those rules and will be in his car, I am not allowed to leave the car or say a word to her, or even look in her direction. (From their phone conversation: “Tell your girlfriend that she can not talk or look at me during our handovers. She should not be here anyway, she is not a parent, and she doesn't belong in the picture. I find her presence triggering and any attempt to initiate small talk unsettles me. Last time she said: "Hi, how was your weekend". I immediately found it upsetting. It's not her business to ask how MY weekend was. If you really must bring her, she must keep her mouth shut and stay in the car.”)
If Dad (and I) do not obey those rules, she will report to the police about harassment.
Mum described actions that are all part of “silent treatment” which is a well-known form of abuse in social groups. I am writing about the silent treatment between Bio-mothers and step-mothers (or ex-partners versus new partners if that applies to your situation) here.
Mum demanded a promise that Dad would not allow their son to spend any one to one time with me. No babysitting from me, only biologically related people i.e. grandma or uncle's partner (yes, I can hear you laughing) are allowed to babysit their 5yo. Mum said that she does not care that I have been spending weekends with their son for the last 12 months. NOW she feels uncomfortable and it must stop. From now onwards I am not allowed to help their son with dressing (their son has mild dyspraxia), not to brush his hair, not to help with homework, and under any circumstances, I am allowed to help with baths time.
Mum presented proposal that one day each weekend she, their son and Dad shall go places as three of them and having family fun. Grandparents and their spouses, relatives and friends are welcome to join them but Dad's partner is not allowed to come to those days out.
The first impulse for the majority of people in this situation would be: This mother should get over herself! Grow up! Who the hell she thinks she is to dictate, where I can or can not be and how many words I am allowed to say, especially in public places!
Those are valid reactions, perfectly understandable to feel that way. I would lie if I say, that those thoughts did not cross our minds and our conversion for the first weeks and months.
Dad was utterly devastated about this behaviour from the mother of his son who used to present herself as someone who made a practical arrangement to become co-parents to their future baby. With whom they discussed before the baby arrived (and several times during the co-parenting years) that they have no interest in pursuing any other relationship with each other, than shared parenting duty. The woman who used to sound excited about the prospect that one day they might have partners/spouses and how all four parents for their son will do holidays and life milestones together. Now, when it was the reality they have been talking and agreeing- it all out of the window. Dad tried to talk to Mom, reason with her, and remind her of their conversations and agreements. The mother's comment was: “It was then, I didn't know back then how it actually would feel. I did not know how much I hate the fact that in your house there is another woman my son might see as a mother figure. I can not let that happen! Our son must always remember, that he has only one mom and your girlfriend is your girlfriend and not his mom and not his family.”
Yes, Mum did cross the line of acceptable requests and boundaries. Because Mum feels that she is losing a huge amount of influence over her son's dad she used to have. Because she is frightened, what if her son is treated by dad's partner “like her own” and as a result, her son will love dad's partner “like his mum”?
So what to do or how to respond if your co-parent feels frightened and angry, and menace the other parent?
As I am a divorced mother myself and my children have a step-mom. I can remember my own very conflicting feelings when my ex found his now wife. On the other hand, I am a trained CBT therapist and have a degree in psychology and human development. The situation intrigued me professionally.
So we took a bit of time to think. Rule of thumb: never give a response immediately, without giving yourself some cooling down time. We chose to look behind the rude words. To act upon why Mum said what she said, hoping to reduce her discomfort. The fact is; if you are going to corner someone, they will only attack, not surrender. The way to lower conflict situations is not to corner that person, who already feels hurt and who lost control over things she used to have control over?
We were able to identify a couple of Mum's needs:
It is painful for the mother to face reality. Yes, in words Mum accepted the fact that Dad has a partner now and her son is spending time with that partner, but Mum doesn't want to witness that reality. Mum is desperate to shelter herself from reality. Maybe Mum can face it later when she has more time to adapt to the new reality?
What are we willing to accommodate as a gesture of goodwill?
We are willing to respect the fact that Mum is feeling emotional pain about the situation.We will not have any benefit from adding to that pain. We will try our best not to antagonise her more.
(most Mom's won't believe it's possible: When his girlfriend is ruining our co-parenting)
To minimise the chance that Mum would "lose it" during the handovers, we choose to drive me home before driving to the handover point. If driving me home first is not possible, I can respect Mum's request and stay in the car and will not say “hello” or any other pleasantries that are expected in similar situations. Yes, it feels like "giving in to a toddler tantrum" but she is not in sound mind at this point, so we can not expect Mum to start behaving reasonably only because we are going to say: "No, you can not have it!" or "Grow up!" or "Mum should get over herself and act like an adult. "
In case Mum asks Dad to come and collect their son from her home, I am happy to remain in the car and "not put my foot on her driveway", as it's her private land. However, Dad refused Mum's request that as part of the handover process Dad must spend time in Mum's house to get their son dressed and ready for leaving. If Mum need collection from her home, Mum has to get their son ready for the collection time and dad will only arrive to pick up.
Dad said that he can respect boundaries Mum is setting, but Dad would refuse acting as a family with the mother if the condition is that their son's stepmum has to be left out and excluded
During the discussions, Mum described emotionally, with tears and sobbing, that if Dad does not follow her rules, their son will suffer greatly. If Dad no longer spends time with Mum, it means he is prioritising his girlfriend over his son. Mum attempted to persuade Dad that their son needs him to come to her house without the stepmum, and spend time indoors playing with their son and her before they leave. Mum insists that Dad must continue to have family days with just her and their son, or he will cause emotional harm to their child. According to Mum, if Dad does not follow the rules Mum sets, he is choosing to be a bad father and a poor co-parent. (Read about co-parenting label manipulations here.)
Dad did not allow mum to bully or manipulate him.
Mum realised she could not change Dad's mind on this matter. Since they still need to arrange handovers, Mum decided she would take their son to a playground instead of letting Dad come to her house, and she stated that she would never set foot inside Dad's home.
Leaving aside the childish remark, "we are not friends anymore!", from a practical perspective, this was a positive outcome because for the first time in four years, Dad successfully negotiated a compromise to meet halfway, given that their homes are 40 miles apart.
It turned out that, despite Mum's concerns, the new handover arrangement had a very positive effect on their son’s emotional well-being. Previously, when handovers took place from one parent's house to the other’s, their son would often cry as he was carried from one house to the other’s car and driven away. For him, it always felt as though he was being taken away, having to leave one of his homes and one of his parents, leading to feelings of loss and emotional distress during every handover.
However, when the parent responsible for the handover took him to the agreed playground beforehand, it no longer felt like "I have to leave my home." Instead, it became “I’m going to the playground to meet my other parent!" Their son no longer experienced the feelings of loss and being “taken away.” Now, it was simply one parent swapping out for the other, while he remained in the same place, enjoying his play until he was ready to stop. Then he would leave with the parent who was present, carrying on with his day as usual.
Parents did a lot of research on how to make handovers easier and what they found helpful has been written here.
More about consensual co-parenting here: https://storkdeliveringbabies.blogspot.com/2022/11/its-not-business-its-personal.html?m=1
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