Often, dads have lots of interactions with their Ex when they are single. They may be interested in doing things together with their Ex, such as family celebrations, or meeting up for walks with the children, a barbecue with family friends, and other little innocent things that give us comfort.
They might do this because they have no-one else to be with and just want some company, or because they have spare time in hand and nothing better to do (as one guy said to me: if I had to choose between sitting home alone or going to have dinner with my kids at the ex wife's house, I choose the dinner). Most likely they do it because it means more time with the children - and in that case, the fact that the Ex is there too is not really a consideration.
They also have frequent communication with the mother of their children because even after separation the mother of his children is the closest relationship in his life. Yes, there is a 'job' vacancy (future GF or partner) for another person to be the closest relationship, but while that position is vacant, the Ex is temporarily filling it.
So Mum gets lots of those interactions that are meant for the closest person. Dad just skips the vacant position and has those interactions with the available person - the Ex, the Mother.
When that vacant position gets filled, when Dad finds a new partner, he will have most of the communication with the person who is now the closest - the GF.
Mum notices the change, and feels like Dad is ignoring her now and will start sending more messages with reminders to respond. Dad gets annoyed and Mum gets upset: "your new chick doesn't want us to communicate!"
Now that Dad has a girlfriend, he is no longer sitting at home alone looking for company: he wants to spend his free time with his GF, not with the Ex. Mum feels that she is being left out, and blames the GF's jealousy for the reduced interaction.
Mum doesn't want the children to meet the GF "too soon", so may attempt to impose restrictions on Dad's time with the children. In the most severe case, Mum might prevent Dad from seeing the children without Mum being present (possibly to prevent GF from being introduced behind Mum's back).
This is a common power game when the Mother is trying to fight for the position of the most important woman in Dad's life. They cannot accept that Dad's GF comes before his Ex. They see Dad distancing from them as Dad distancing from their children: "Dad abandoned his children"; "Dad chose his GF over his children".
Mum refuses to see that she has an attitude: "Your children and their mother are a package deal - if you are putting your GF before me, the mother of your children, then you are putting your GF before your children."
Mum will start feeding those ideas into children too. They will bring up GF in everything negative: "Your Dad is late, of course, he is busy with his GF!"; "Your Dad was at work over the weekend? Of course, he has to buy expensive stuff for GF!"; "Your Dad broke his wrist and couldn't go swimming with you this weekend? Sure, he can go out with his GF but makes you sit in front of the TV instead of swimming."
With this, Mum can shape their children's attitude towards Dad's dating/relationship and the children will suffer and show signs of stress, such as crying at handover time. They may also show the negative influence of Mum's comments, such as saying they don't want to go with Dad, or they miss the time when Dad did not have a GF and things like that.
Now Mum is making statements like: "The children don't like your GF but you are still choosing her over our children!!!!"; "Your GF ruined everything! Our co-parenting, your relationship with your children, and you changed too because of HER."
Mum wants to blame the GF for all the changes ("Everything was great until SHE came along"), but no-one can force another person to do something they don't WANT to do (unless a gun is to their head). Dad's circumstances have changed, and that change should be good for children too, but it does require a change in routine, which will affect his Ex. Dad is choosing to prioritise his GF ahead of his Ex. His children remain his number one priority.
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From my own personal experience, I lived through all of those feelings as the Mother:
I had a very close co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, up until the day he went from a single divorcee on the dating scene, to having a serious GF, and I had to accept a secondary position in his life.
I was furious.
I put up a fight like crazy 😱
But the only thing I achieved was that I looked like a crazy jealous Ex.
And I was one. I was jealous of him having some other woman in his life who is now more important to him than me.
Him having a serious relationship was the last nail in the coffin for us as a couple. Rather than being MY Ex-husband, he was now HER boyfriend. The feeling of total replacement became very real. I had nothing to hold onto anymore.
The realisation hit me the day I invited my Ex to join me and the kids for a day out at an amusement park. Up to that point I had been quite successful in arranging for him to join "family events for the sake of the children" without his GF present. Possibly they were able to see through my scheming and decided not to go along with my nonsense, but this time he turned up at the amusement park with his GF on his arm.
My kids already knew and liked her, so it was not an issue for them, but when I saw them together I went into a rage: "How dare he ruin OUR day by dragging HER along!! It was meant to be OUR day for OUR children."
I refused to see that the children would have a great day with his GF present because I couldn't have a great day with her present. I didn't want her to be there. I wanted my children to have Dad and I, and no-one else.
Even worse: I felt separated from my children's Dad. Every time Dad and GF sat together on a ride and I was apart from him, or when I went on a ride with the kids but Dad and GF stayed behind to have a drink together. It was so clear that there were now two separate families for my children, and I was not part of the other one. I hated that feeling.
I went home and cried in front of my kids for a couple of hours about how "Dad had ruined our day out with his GF". My 12 yo daughter looked at my crying for an hour and then said really softly: "But Mum, we had a very nice day. Until now when you are crying here."
That was a huge wake-up call.
I really wanted to blame the GF for the changes in my relationship with my children's Dad, but one day I realised it was not her fault - those changes had already happened, I just hadn't acknowledged it yet. All that she did was make it impossible to ignore any more.
Luckily (for my children's sake) I eventually managed to come out of blaming the GF for everything.
But it took a solid 5 years 😂🤣😂🤣😂
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This post is written jointly by me and my partner who is a co-parenting dad himself and as an expansion of a conversation in a Facebook support group. Some mums there were blaming their Ex's GF for ruining a working co-parenting relationship. I tried to make those mums aware of the other side and told them my own story as the Mum, to show that I'm speaking from experience.
The reaction I received was quite surprising - the majority were supportive (and amazed that I was prepared to admit my own struggles with this situation), but one lady attacked me - not for having those feelings, but for admitting that I had them.
However, many of the mums were adamant that it was still all the GF's fault, presumably because their Ex is incapable of making his own decisions and must be controlled by a strong woman.
If that is the case then control has now shifted from one strong woman (Mum) to another (GF), for as the Bible says: "No man can serve two masters (or mistresses… )"
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